The sun has risen. The house is still and quiet as CD and Miss Hollywood remain asleep for the moment. A year ago on this day, I boarded a plane and flew to see S. The travel I have done in the last three years has been wonderful. Some for work, some for fun....all because I can and I enjoy it. I gathered items on a recent trip to Pam Springs so I can write a piece on the review blog. I look forward to getting it written this summer. As I am now a full time teacher, I use my vacation times to write, but the writing process is in a constant state with me. I am always constructing pieces in my head so when time allows I can sit and write them. Time allows this morning because I made time. I set an alarm and I sit here with a hot cup of coffee in the momentary stillness of the morning having closed out my classroom for the summer just one day earlier. Today is important. I needed this day.
With each passing year, more frustration and fear fade away. I remain guarded, as I always will. It is a safety measure that I must keep in place. It is a healthy guarding of myself. The "high alert" has downgraded.
It was three years ago this morning that I made the call that changed our lives. My hands trembled as I made that call. My heart raced. At the end of the call, I cried, sobbed. And then, I picked myself up and put myself together and did what I had to do. I took one step. And then another. And then another. I have continued to take those steps and others like them. Each day now, I step into the beauty and embrace who I am and where each step will take me.
Last year around this time, I created my first vision board. It was due for an overhaul and boy did it get one! It is far more open and that is in part because I feel more open. My goals now have built in "Be open to possibilities" while keeping a handful of important goals very specific. My writing goals among them.
This summer, I will work toward some teaching goals: better educating myself and growing myself professionally in preparation for the next school year. I have already started working on them. This summer, I will get at least one book proposal done. S and I have something inside us that needs to be written and released and read. It is time. We will make it happen.More than that, I will keep writing. And keep reading. This summer, I will continue to travel with CD and Miss Hollywood and try new things and make new memories. This summer, I will be. I will be present. I will be alive. I will be ME!
Over the course of the last year, I have periodically explained to people my theory that love exists in the world, but that romantic love is something only a few people actually find and have. People think that I feel closed off to the idea. I remain open to the possibility, but realistically, I have to continue to hold onto the love that actually exists in my life. My children, my family, my friends....and the big one...myself. In creating the new vision board, I needed to visualize my openness to love. Perhaps it is confusing that I acknowledge love's existence while dismissing that it exists for all. Believing that one gets what they put into the world, I certainly see room for fine tuning my love theory.
I listened to an interesting NPR piece last night. I heard in promoted twice earlier in the day and knew I had an obligation at the time it would air on All Things Considered, so I made sure I looked it up last night. Sam Smith. Know him? Yeah, the name was new to me as well. Well, he has a radio hit right now. It's beautiful. It's a ballad. Interestingly, though, it's a song about a one night stand rather than a "love song." That built part of the stage on which this interview was built. He's 22. He has never been in a relationship. In the interview, though, he explained that he knows precisely what love is. For a moment I wondered how he could. But then I thought about it. Of course he could. Anyone can. Perhaps in knowing what love is, he will in time find that perfect love and hold onto it forever. I know what love is. I believe in love. Now, I have to work with my theory on how it works and visualize it better. Because, if I am going to believe it is out there, then I have to fully believe it exists for everyone. So, here's the deal. I am going to let love find me when the time is meant to be. I'll be here. I'll be open to it. But, for me, looking for it is a time-consuming, stressful mess of a thing to attempt. Perhaps that better sums up where I am with things now. I celebrate my friends who have found it! It is awesome! It is work. It is awesome work. Over the weekend, I saw a couple of things that helped solidify this in my mind. I share them here. And so, I have adopted the "I am always in perfect time" mantra. I like it. I embrace it.I sense that the stillness will soon break. That's ok. That means hugs, and giggles, and love lived.
Today is "my new anniversary." Today, I will have some time with My Chico and it will be fantastic. We are headed to lunch and to do some shopping for an upcoming color run.
My top five summer goals:
1. Be open
2. Complete coursework that will make me a better educator
3. Write, write, and write some more AND Complete the pitch with S for "Project A"
4. Be active and healthy and on track
5. Enjoy my children in all things and enjoy things with my children
Happy anniversary! Good morning, sunshine! It's a new day!
What will you do with it?
Now....let's let Janis take us into the semi-official summertime kickoff!
