Tender, open, loving...and, yet, fighting my brick wall

It has been nearly a month since my last post. I don't know why I dropped off again. Writing energizes me. Writing is necessary for me. Writing is a huge part of my goals for 2013. Perhaps the lack of writing has contributed to the on-again/off-again borderline funk I have faced. I believe that to more likely than the borderline funk contributing to my lack of writing.

Today's source of inspiration once again came from the I Am That Girl Facebook page. A status update this morning included a quote from Zooey Deschanel:

"Being tender and open is beautiful. I feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep…feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love."

I am a dreamer. I am one who, as a teenager, was often "accused" of wearing my heart on my sleeve. Over the last few months, I have put a big "brick wall" up around my heart.  My emotions are not numb. Nor am I not experiencing emotions. However, I have found that both consciously and subconsciously I am remaining more guarded that ever before. I find this to be especially true with regard to the Guardian. I've taken some "risks" but not really risks of the heart. I've put myself out "there," yet kept to myself. I'm not entirely sure where exactly I want this to go because I have not let myself dream or explore potential emotions as I once did. I think it's a lot me, though I think some of it is him too. And at some point something will give, I imagine. But for now, it is what it is. Our schedules conflict more often than they jive which makes things difficult at times. Almost four months into this and yet we haven't had all that many dates. Still, I'm giving it time. I think it's worth that. But all of this is what made something huge stand out at me: "Don't allow .... fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart." As a 35-year-old woman, I find myself more afraid than ever of being hurt. I hate that. I didn't used to fear heartbreak. I didn't like it. But I didn't hold myself back. As I first started meeting men, I developed different likes and dislikes about them. I found some emotional connections to be stronger than others. At first, I put myself out there like I used to when I was younger. I just kept feeling let down. I put so much of myself out and got so little back. I don't have time for that. I want to see what works and work with it. I want to explore things. However, I am so afraid of allowing myself to get hurt. I am tired of hurt and disappointment.

Holding my heart back, however, is not the right response.

Another goal for 2013 is to allow myself to be loved more fully and to love more fully. I want to do this in ALL of my relationships: my parents, my children, my co-workers, my friends, other relationships. All relationships include some form of love. They have to.

"Don't let someone steal your tenderness." I think emerging from my marriage was the first step toward this, but I need to continue moving in that direction. I need to regain my tenderness, not stifle it.

As I enter my eighth consecutive day of commuting/working with breaks primarily only for a church retreat and the nighttime routine at home, I want to take the first part of this quote with me today. I want to "pack" it into my outlook for the day.

"Being tender and open is beautiful."

I will start with today. And I will work toward more and more days with it because it is true. So true. I want to be tender. I want to be open. I want to be loving. And I know that in giving love, I am more open to receive love. Do remember, though...I am a work in progress.

A final thought ties in to the sermon I heard yesterday at mass. The only thing that we can take with us from this life to the next is our relationship with God. I think, then, that we must start there. A strong, open, tender, loving relationship with God can open us to the same in our human relationships. They won't be the same as our relationship with God. They won't ever compare. But if we first love God and put ourselves out there with and for him, while allowing ourselves to be tender, open, and loving in all areas of our lives, then great things are bound to happen.

Thankful for a good day

This has been a pretty good week actually. The week started with a fabulous end to the year. Two lunches with friends, reconnecting with church friends, a trip to a wonderful art exhibit...I rang in the new year with the kids at 10 p.m. in hopes they would go to bed and sleep. Miss Hollywood...had other ideas. It made for a bit of a long night, but I made it. And so did she. CD slept. We celebrated New Year's Day with friends. And the following day, Comcast came and fixed an Internet problem which has allowed us to Skype with friends and family and actually have a pleasant experience. That, in particular, has been especially awesome!

But today...today has been a very good day. I woke up early and had a chance to get a good shower and get myself ready for the day while the kids slept a little more. I got them up and ready and out the door we went. The past few days have been about easing back into our regular schedule. I was a little lenient this morning, but I don't think it set us back too much and I have confidence that we will do fine getting back on track next week.

My day officially started by having a chance to visit The Guardian. I hadn't seen him since before Christmas, though we communicated over the past couple of weeks. It was nice to get a visit in this morning. I then left him and headed for a massage. I hadn't seen my massage therapist since April! After having a Fibromyalgia flare last week, I knew I needed to try to see her again. During the course of my massage, I realized that one visit wasn't going to do it and I scheduled some more visits between now and my birthday. I am trying to spread them out, but I think that since my Fibromyalgia is otherwise under control, this is an investment I need to go ahead and make this year. If I can continue to keep myself in the best health possible, then I can be more productive with my writing and more effective as a teacher. That's all there is to it. So, I will be incorporating that into my budget. I came home and made a delicious lunch with whole wheat pasta, some chicken, olive oil, a dab of butter, garlic powder, curry, pepper, onion powder, and a dash of salt. It was delicious! I will stretch the small amount left with a couple of eggs for lunch tomorrow. Yum!

I got a decent call in with S which is always appreciated and a huge boost to my day.

Tonight I have been suffering from a headache (I hate hormones, for the record), but I've managed the best I can. CD and I came up with a great menu for dinner tonight. He requested "breakfast for dinner." So, we took the leftover hamburger patties from last night and reheated them. I made a mashed potatoes pancake out of the leftover mashed potatoes. I cooked the last couple pieces of bacon and scrambled some eggs. Miss Hollywood requested a waffle, so I grabbed one of out the freezer for her. Dinner was perfect! It definitely hit the spot! We got another Skype call in with Nana and Papa and that was awesome, of course. Now CD and Miss Hollywood are settled in for their last living room camp out and I am closing out the day organizing my thoughts and blogging. Who could ask for more? (Aside from wishing this headache would go away. Sleep beckons, for sure.)

Tomorrow's prospects are good. While the kids visit their dad, I will spend a little time dealing with some things in the storage unit. I have things to drop off, things to pick up, and a little sorting to do. My hope is to do a yard sale this spring and get rid of some of the things that I don't foresee us needing (when you're done having babies, you don't need to keep things such as a bassinet hanging around and taking up space). I also will send some items back to my brother's family. After spending some quality time with my "stuff," I will delve into some serious lesson planning.

This year has the potential for being a GREAT year! I see good things ahead in 2013 and I want to keep my eye on my goals, my hopes, my dreams. We're off and running now!

Responding to a tug at my heart

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The question

We had just arrived home from an afternoon and evening with friends. Miss Hollywood was asleep and my goal was to put her to bed. CD was far from quiet, and Miss Hollywood stirred. I feared she would awaken and quietly snapped at CD. Once she was settled in her bed, I helped him get in jammies. He perched on the couch with a blanket to watch the Goodnight Show as I settled at my computer.

"Mommy, did I do anything awesome today?"

I knew he was asking because earlier in the day we had set up a Jar of Awesome Events. I explained again what the jar was for: his kindergarten graduation coming up in May and significant life events.

"Well, I remembered to use the bathroom today. That's awesome, isn't it?!"

That put things in a different perspective for me. I need to remember their ages. I need to remember that even small things can be awesome. And, today was a good day.

"Mommy, did I do anything awesome today?"

Yes, son, you did. You were you. You made your mama smile. You made your mama proud. You reminded your mama of how to find joy in all things, especially little things. You are awesome, CD. And that is worth celebrating.

The first thing to go into that jar will be a note about today and the awesome boy who made his mama remember to enjoy life.

Yes, CD, you most certainly did something awesome today. And, I love you. Goodnight, my love.