His name was Lawrence Joseph

The pregnancy had been difficult. I made my first trip to the ER on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. The bleeding scared me. My body was under so much stress. I was scared. I had already had nightmares. I have them written and saved on my desktop computer which is not functional right now. Someday I may go back and read through the nightmares again. But I don't really have to. I remember.

My next ER visit was again on a Monday.

Then again.

Each time the baby looked good. I checked out fine. Nothing was wrong. Why was there so much blood?

I saw a specialist. I was put on modified bedrest. I made accommodations at work so I could still teach my adult school students. I did what I was told, when I was told. I asked for help. I could not lift my almost two-year-old son. So, I would sit and have him climb into my lap. He was so excited about being a big brother.

On April 25, 2009, I woke up in excruciating pain. "I think I might have a urinary tract infection," I thought. I said. I took it easy. The pain eased some. I went to a small family event with CD, his grandma, and his Godmother. The pain got worse.

"I'm either in labor or this is the worst urinary tract infection of my life." We went to the hospital.

No doctor saw me. Only an L&D nurse. I was diagnosed by phone with a UTI. I did not appear to be in labor. I was prescribed medication. I took it immediately. I started to feel a little better. We ate dinner. He went back into his "hole" (his office). CD and grandma went to bed. I sat. The pain came back with a vengeance. It was one of the most awful things I have ever experienced. I remember the pain coming on fast and furious. I remember the clicking of the rice cooker cycling. "It's just a UTI," I thought. Afterall, I had been to the hospital and that's what they diagnosed. I rode it out. Until I couldn't any longer...

I stood from the recliner. I stopped in the bathroom. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong, very, very wrong. I made my way down the hall and stopped in the doorway to the office. "Something's not right." "Do you need to go back to the hospital," he asked. "I think so," I said. (In retrospect, I think "well, duh!") Off we went.

I barely made it into the L&D observation room. I started to deliver his lifeless body with no nurse, no doctor in the room. They came running as I yelled, "he's coming!" It was sometime after 2 a.m. on April 26. My second child was stillborn, but born, still.

We named him. His name was Lawrence Joseph. I refer to him as LJ.

I had an amazing day today! One thing I have learned is that we absolutely, positively must live each day to the fullest. We never know what the next day will bring, the next moment even. You can't live with regrets. (Lord knows if one could, I would probably find a ton.) I had an amazing day today! I cherished amazingly awesome moments! I am quite happy I love my life. And honestly, I am all too aware that I if I changed anything, it would change where I am and what I am doing, so I can't say I would change anything.

I embraced a moment with a ladybug crawling on my arm. I enjoyed my students. I held a piglet. Today was a great day! And, as I wrote this, listening to P!nk's "Beam Me Up," Miss Hollywood came to me and asked me to dance. So, we danced. She smiled big smiles! We smiled together. We loved each other and we loved the moment. And in that moment, I remembered that I may not have her if I hadn't gone through what I did.

His name was Lawrence Joseph. He is my son. I am a mom of three, even if only two are here with me physically.

It truly is a GREAT day to be alive!

(feel free to stop this after the song ends)

An unorthodox review: The Vagina Monologues

Originally, I thought I might do this post similar to how I did the "Hamlet" one. However, the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that it won't quite work that way. I am going to explore this production of "The Vagina Monologues" with my blog post interwoven. It's just the way it has to be.

I had heard of "The Vagina Monologues" long ago. I didn't really know what it was and, frankly, the title both intimidated and intrigued me. When I would see it, I would think, "oh, that might be something to see." Of course, then I wouldn't. I wasn't really going to shows anyway, so it was easy to put off seeing it. I learned today that the Center Stage Conservatory did a production of it about two years ago. It was staged at The State Theater. That brought on some interesting thoughts as I watched the show today. Two years ago, I was in an entirely different place in my life. There is no way I would have watched this show the way I did today. There is no way it would have impacted me the way it did. There is no way I would have been as receptive to some of the things. There is no way I was ready for this two years ago.

I have followed various women's rights, domestic violence, and One Billion Rising groups on Facebook for quite awhile now. I've added to it in recent months, and I am stronger, healthier, and happier than I have been in years! I needed to see this production at this point in my life. I could relate to so much. And, thanks to my awesome sense of humor, I laughed. I laughed hard! It felt so good!

The cast included first time actresses as well as experienced actresses. The stories as written were awesome in themselves, but as presented, they were moving and they brought about every bit of range of emotion as you would expect. It was as if these ladies were sharing their own personal stories. Because, in their roles, they were. Many of them were in some way like the characters they portrayed or could otherwise relate. They stood together, united. They truly became their characters.

"Reclaiming Cunt" was particularly impressive! The way it was written and the way it was presented was incredible! Claudia Linares had me almost ready to in fact reclaim the word. I laughed and enjoyed it. You still won't find me using "the C-word" though. Yet, it was great to see it in a different light than one typically hears it.

I probably laughed most during "My Angry Vagina" and interestingly, I cried hardest when actress Sarah Stone Keath shared her own, very personal story at the end of the show.

"I was There in the Room" made me quite reflective. It was fascinating, as a mother, to hear the perspective of someone else present for a birth. It made me sad all over again that two of my three deliveries were C-section. The one vaginal birth I had was with my stillborn son. In just under two weeks, I will mark the fourth anniversary of this event and I have been struggling for a couple of weeks as I've been thinking a lot about him and that experience. To hear Elda Coleman present this monologue took me back to my three deliveries. As amazing as they were, they were also heartbreaking. She provided such a beautiful picture -- with a sprinkling of humor -- of what childbirth should be like. It saddens me some that I will never experience that and that no one was present who would have captured it quite the same way. Yet, the end result is still beautiful. How blessed am I! So, I smiled, and even laughed, more than anything. What a wonderful thing!

This show had something for absolutely every woman. It had something for most men. Really, every man should consider seeing this show. They could learn from it. And the end was so powerful. As Briana Grace  Hammerstrom presented "Rising," it was a sort of call to arms. As the women gathered on stage at the end, I was half-tempted to stand up with them. Here is where things got really interesting. To hear things I've said come out of the mouths of others...to say I could relate would be an extreme understatement. The essay I will read at Haven on April 24 will detail much of my personal account, but it may lack emphasis on one very important thing. Why I left. Why I rise. I have said again and again that I could NOT allow my son to grow up thinking it was ok to treat women the way I had been treated nor could I allow my daughter to grow up thinking it was ok for her (or any woman) to be treated that way. I took the steps I took not only for myself, but most especially for them. They deserve better than what we were living. And they are already seeing better, living better.

When Keath shared her story, I could relate in so many ways. Her children were five and two. Mine were four and one. I could hear my story and the stories of other women I have met in groups as she shared hers. The essay I will share at the Take Back the Night event later this month is a part of the premise for one of the books I am working on. In it, I describe my journey and discuss how I repeatedly said I was "just" emotionally (also mentally) abused and manipulated. I also discuss how often the emotional scars far outlast physical ones. No form of abuse, of domestic violence, is better or worse than another. They all suck. And they all come back to power and control.

S and I have discussed this off and on for two years now. We still sometimes wonder how strong, intelligent women like us get caught up in these sorts of relationships. It just doesn't make sense. Hindsight, of course, as we all know is 20/20. A few days ago, I was thinking back to when I first took the step from friendship to dating (if it can be called that) relationship all those years ago. It all started with a very emotional plea of sorts, from him. It wasn't the first time my emotions were played by that person. But at the time, I didn't see it as a play, or a tactic. I saw it as someone who was sympathetic and empathetic in ways like I have always been. I could beat myself up over it all. I could ask things such as, "what was I thinking" or "how could I have allowed that to happen." But I choose to not live in the past, but rather live FOR the future. Yes, I can look at some of these things and learn from them. For one, if the chemistry isn't there, I'm not going to try to create it. Chemistry is key and it cannot be forced or created. It just has to be there. I am not going to settle. And, dammit, if a guy wants to be with me, he will need to take me out. I like to get out. I like to be social. I can do evenings at home and enjoy quiet and peace together, but if I ever find that I am closing off from who I am and the things I enjoy, everyone around me has permission to point it out to me, but also, I am strong enough and aware enough to walk away. Walk away early. And go far, far away.

When I talked briefly with Keath after the show, I shared just a couple of pieces of my story. She encouraged me to talk about, to share my story. I let her know that I intend to do just that. I've already started. It's time to really get the ball rolling on my writing projects!

Bravo, to the cast of "The Vagina Monologues!" This is a show I would like to see again. I wish there were still more performances to come. But, I look forward to one day seeing it again with another cast just to compare and to see how much the venue, cast, and all involved impact it all. This is something I would like to read. This is a show I think would be great to be a part of at some point.

And, not only bravo to this cast, but THANK YOU! Thank you for bringing Eve Ensler's words alive! Thank you for supporting Haven. Thank you to the cast, the crew, and the audiences for working to support the community resource that is unfortunately needed greatly. They do good work and deserve every bit of support they can get. Thank you to Haven for being there.

The Take Back the Night event is Wednesday, April 24 at 5:30 p.m. in Modesto. Please come, if you can.

Interestingly, one of my goals for 2013 is to participate in (if not help co-ordinate) a flash mob. I had hoped to do something with Haven. Then I heard about One Billion Rising. That's incredibly similar what I was thinking. If I hadn't had to work February 14, I would have gone to San Francisco to participate there. I guess I'll need to explore this further in another way. I still want to do it. Just the how and where need some figuring out. Hmm...

From Break the Chain lyrics:
You’ve never owned me, don’t even know me I’m not invisible, I’m simply wonderful I feel my heart for the first time racing I feel alive, I feel so amazing
 (This is almost exactly like something I wrote early last year in an art project.)

Also this strikes me:
This is my body, my body’s holy
No more excuses, no more abuses
We are mothers, we are teachers,
We are beautiful, beautiful creatures

All of this makes it clear that I don't have to "reinvent the wheel," but I will rise. There are so many stories to tell and so much information to gather. I will create from within, but I can use the resources available and talk to others and really make this work. Remember, there's a Pulitzer waiting for me at the end of this book writing journey.

Maya Angelou wrote in her poem "Still I Rise" (a long-time favorite):
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

 Like the phoenix, I rise. 

I rise. You can too.

A follow-up

I read an interesting write-in column this morning and found it timely following my blog post from last night.

Is it a date?

Now, I'm not one who is going to risk ruining a great time out by asking for definition of the evening. I'm going to go, have fun, enjoy myself, and enjoy the company I share. I rather enjoy keeping things low pressure. But, still...I suppose I should be allowing myself to take that risk? Possibly losing a potentially good friend by asking or possibly missing out on something wonderful by not...it's an interesting dilemma.

Ambiguity is not something I like. But at the same time, avoiding it can make things awkward. Any thoughts, folks?

Project Reboot

I've had floods of thoughts the past few weeks and yet, I've blogged nothing. Not one thought. I'm processing so much, but neglecting my writing. I thought I had gotten back on track. Apparently, I derailed again. Three weeks! Three weeks since my last blog!

I could try to catch up, but I think it is best, perhaps, to just reboot. I'll start here. I'll start now. Certainly there will be appearances from things of the past few weeks, but I will not go back and try to recreate all of the blog entries I've written in my head.

Rather, I will discuss some of the journey I have been on during this time. Some of this is better suited for a "Journey of Trust" entry, so that shall be done after this one.

One thing has become apparent to me. I do not have the hang of the whole dating thing. Not at all. I've read a couple of articles recently. One suggested that men actually want a "break" from doing the asking (the "chasing"?) and that women should step up more. I've tried this. This is part of my nature. I see something I want, someone I like, and I go for it. The problem here is, that I have always done this and I want, for a change, for someone to show more initiative. Still, I continue to do some asking. So, if the guys are all tired of being shot down and I'm tired of spinning my wheels...we have a problem. A big one. If I'm not doing the asking and they aren't doing the asking, then there is no dating happening. Then I think, what if the article is flawed? Bah! I know I can be intimidating with some of my go-getter attitude. So, that is, in part, why during Lent, I tried to take a step back.

What I found was that I was ok with a date every now and then. I also found, I HATE first dates. I am tired of first dates. A friend pointed out that having lots of first dates is probably better than having second dates with people I don't click with. I get that. I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to waste their time. Time wasted is just that, time wasted. That doesn't serve anyone's best interest. But, I'm not going to pursue a bunch of first dates. I'm going to spend time with people I like. Where it all ends up, who knows. But, I'm done putting myself out "there" again and again and again for pointless first dates. And dating sites, ugh! One repeatedly suggested "matches" for me that didn't make sense. I have children. Why would a computer match me with someone who doesn't want to date a woman who has children from a previous relationship? Still, though, I have to admit that some interesting things have happened in my life because I went ahead and gave it a try. ok, admittedly...gave it a second try. I don't know what the right way to do this all is. I can just be me. I can be the best me I can be. And then, just see what happens. I think what I especially don't like is pressure. Pressure to impress. The past couple of encounters (there's one that I don't even know if it was a date, but I had a fantastic time) have been low-pressure. One, I realized was kind of like being out with a friend. It was fun. But, definitely more friend than anything else. We got together again later and it was the same sort of thing. And then...*POOF* He was gone. Guess he didn't want a friend? That's cool. I wish him well, wherever he is. Great guy, except for the whole "poofing" thing. At least have the courtesy to say something. I am finding, both dating and otherwise, that I really enjoy being surrounded by positive people. People who lift me up just with their presence. (More on this in a moment.) And, there is at least one person who, if it's not a dating thing, I certainly welcome the friendship.

There is one relationship I have down, I think. Well, sort of anyway. My relationship with my son. When he was six-months-old, I started taking him with me on Saturday mornings for coffee, breakfast, to cover stories. We made a date of it. When I was pregnant with Miss Hollywood, these dates were even more important to me. In the past two years, our dates became more sporadic, but I still try to set aside time for CD. Today, we spent the majority of the day together doing some different outings. We went to a parade, a baseball event, a bookstore, and even bought bagels for tomorrow's breakfast then planned and shopped for tonight's dinner. In the midst of this all, I asked him, "Do you know what's awesome?" He responded, "Our dates!?" That made my day. More than any one thing we have ever done together, what made me smile bigger and bigger was that he was verbalizing his appreciation for this special time we spend together. We've done this for most of his life. It is important to me because I know it is important FOR him. But to hear him say that it is important TO him means the world to me. I felt that I must be doing something right. Whether we do something simple such as go for coffee (he gets hot chocolate, of course) or a full day of events...we are both enjoying time well spent together. Shoot, we enjoy spending time together, period. It truly is awesome.

I handed over a lot of relationship stuff during Lent. I gave it up for Lent, in a way. I decided to take myself out of the "driver's seat" and allow myself to experience relationships: family, friends, dating...all of it. I did this generally and with a few specific relationships. It was an emotional journey. On the Monday after Easter, as a group of people worked to remove my car from a rock (yeah...that was a wee-bit stressful)...I walked. I hiked. I talked with God. I yelled at God. I cried. I cried some more. And then, I sat silent. It was all coming together for me. The past few weeks had been quite a journey. And, I am finding that still now, the journey continues. There are relationships that have been far too negative. I am putting less energy into those. I am in no position to waste my time or energy on relationships that bring me down. (After spending 13 years putting my all into a negative relationship and finding the awful toll it took on me, I absolutely refuse to to put myself in any position where I find any bit of it happening again.) It's draining. Instead, I focus on those relationships that fill me and encourage me. New people have entered my life in the past few weeks and they have brought positive things to me, but also brought positive things out in me. I am feeling myself reconnect more and more with...ME! And, I love me! And, I need to love me. I can't love you if I don't love me.

Within the past week or so, a couple of high school friends have been in communication with me. Without the age of social media, I would not have reconnected with many of these people. So, I am thankful for the role social media has played. I am also thankful for the positive changes I have made in my life that have allowed me to reconnect more truly and honestly with people who I think have something to contribute in a positive way.

In the next few weeks, big changes are coming and I suspect I will have a very clear idea of what the immediate future holds. I described it in a Facebook post last night:
The best analogy I have come up with today is this: My life is akin to the following. I am at a poker table. No cards dealt. I go all in. The dealer picks up the deck of cards and tosses them in the air. No matter what, I will put everything into and win this hand. It's just that I don't know what my hand is and I am grabbing cards out of the air. I am "all in" for my future, but there are many doors opening and seeing where it all comes together will be interesting. No matter what, though, I will win. A blog will come...soon.

And so, here is the blog post. I am finding the majority of jobs available for me to apply for are out of this immediate area. I can't afford to not apply, and so I am. They are all in a particular area, which I find interesting in itself. At the same time, there are a few jobs here and I am applying for those as well. Some closer than others. I have also decided to audition for a play, for the first time in over 15 years! The outcomes of these job applications and the play audition will essentially tell me where I am supposed to be. I am happy with whatever direction this goes and I am prepared to give it all I've got. I am future focused. I am goal-oriented. While I don't have it all figured out, nor will I ever even pretend as if I do, I do know that my future is bright. There are big things happening. And I am so excited! I will do something great. Among the great things I will accomplish, I will win a Pulitzer. I gave myself a target date for this that falls ahead of my 40th birthday. I can and will do this. An action arrow has been created and a visualization board is coming within the next few days. This will happen only if I fully commit to it. And so, I commit to it. I did the other night when I wrote it down and I commit to it again, here. Now.

Bottom line: I am thankful for good people in my life and I am certain amazing things are to come!