I will survive!

Gloria Gaynor had it, man.

"At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could ever live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong And I grew strong and I learned how to get along..."

When this song played while I was out with friends last spring, I heard it in a whole new way and it became my anthem for a moment.

I WILL SURVIVE.

And yet, I will do more than survive. I WILL LIVE. I WILL BE ALIVE.

I just endured some difficult days. With the visitation schedule the way it was, my children spent more (day)time with their dad than they did with me. That part was ok with me mostly. I was even ok with being alone on Christmas Day. Mostly.

But something stirred in me on Saturday and the impending funk I had felt two weeks before suddenly was upon me and it sucked. I cried. I screamed. I cussed. I vented to my best friend. I didn't like it. Too much alone time will do that to an extrovert, I think. But compact that with it being holidays and people talking about the importance of family. And suddenly realizing that you have been completely and utterly alone hurts. It hurts bad. That same day, S went through a difficult day. When her SO ended up in the hospital that day just was I was emerging from that funk it put things in a different perspective for me. First and foremost, I was not alone. Secondly, some of my alone time had been self-imposed. I could have gone out. No one, nothing said I had to spend all of my time at home. I chose it. I set goals. I worked to achieve them. But everything kept me home. And once I reached out to friends, I suddenly found myself with places to go and things to do. So the deepest, darkest day of this holiday season (which really wasn't all that bad) was followed immediately by two spectacular days and there is more to come. Later this week I will throw myself into some work. I have lesson planning and grading to do before returning to work Monday. Suddenly, I feel a shortage of time. Funny how that works, But I will get through it and I will do that which needs doing.

As 2012 comes to a close, I look back and smile. It wasn't easy. I wouldn't have wanted an easy year, in fact. It was a great year with trials and triumphs. It was a year of self-discovery, self-love, and spreading that to those I love. My children, my family, my friends are all better because I am better. I am more me than I have been in years. This is something worth celebrating.

Then, as I sat with a friend at lunch today, she pointed out the year ahead is "my year." I will turn 36 in March. This is my year. It is the year of the snake in the Chinese Zodiac. I've decided to embrace that. It is my year. MY YEAR!

My goals are set.
My mind is right.
My heart is big.
My hopes are high.

Life is so good. And that is what I want to take into the new year. I want to start the new year with hope and happiness and make more of it happen. My goals are there to be met. They are achievable goals. I will do it.

Tomorrow is "just another day." Or is it? I believe it is what we want it to be. Tomorrow is what the desires of our heart want.

I started the book that S and My Chico are reading and my eyes quickly jumped to the two quotes Sheils Walsh chose for starting Chapter 2. Perfect as the new year approaches.

"I suppose when we wake up on January 1 the world will look the same. But there is a reminder of the Resurrection at the start of each New Year, each new decade. That's why I also like sunrises, Mondays, and new seasons. God seems to be saying, 'With me you can always start afresh.'" 
-Ada Lum

And this gem from Isaiah 43:18-19 is PERFECT!
"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it?"

Folks, a new year is upon us. Let's rock it!

An "AH-HA!" moment on a somber day

Today was an interesting day. As I entered the faculty room, many teachers sat discussing the events of Friday's school shooting that took place clear on the other side of the country. the discussion included guns, mental illness, children, our own school, safety plans, things we can do to keep our students safer, parenting...you name it. For a moment, I had blocked it from my thoughts. A brief moment, but a moment nonetheless. I exited the faculty room to make copies, returned to the faculty room, then grabbed my things and headed down the hall. Suddenly, it hit me that I would see the faces of my amazing, innocent second graders for the first time since hearing the news on Friday. I choked up, but quickly sucked it up and headed into the classroom. As I entered the room, I felt as though I were walking into the dream I had early Friday morning. I shook it off and moved forward. Then, as I exited the room to go make other copies, three of my students started engaging me. I knelt down beside them and talked to them. These were the three students who were most prominent in my dream. It freaked me out a bit. I didn't let it show, but I found it odd and it rattled me a bit. I experienced a wide range of emotions today.

The students and I had a fantastic afternoon. They loved the project I had them work on today. In small groups, they designed newspaper front pages featuring "stories" of the things we've learned so far this school year. I used packing paper from a book order I received recently and showed them an example that we worked on as a class. The oversized newspaper front pages went over quite well and the students demonstrated their learning very well, plus they got more experience working co-operatively.

After the students left, I did some general prep and sharpened pencils (I shed a few more tears for the lives lost in Connecticut as sharpened pencils), then immersed myself in taking down my November bulletin board (another student project) and putting up the newspapers to display. I straightened up a few things, keeping their leaves of thanks from the previous board in a can on my desk, and headed on my way. It was a cold, quiet, somber walk down the hall. I took pride in the day I experienced with my students and the work I had done in the classroom, but still fel a bit unnerved by the faculty discussion and the experience of actually stepping into a part of a dream I had just a couple of days ago.

In the meantime, S spent the day sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting for her SO while he underwent surgery. We texted off and on throughout the day. I kept them both in thought and prayer. I offered her words of encouragement and we swapped some book ideas. I exited the school building and turned the corner coming face-to-face with rose bushes in full bloom. I had never noticed them before and there they were in full bloom in the middle of winter! I couldn't help but stop. So, I did. I stopped, and smelled the roses. Then, the captivating beauty was too much to just walk away from, so I snapped a picture to capture the moment. I needed it. I shared it with S and The Guardian.

I drove toward home and stayed reflective and a bit somber. My rock station played in the background, but I wasn't really in a "rock out" sort of mood. I eventually switched to the "pop" station and as I neared CD's daycare, Hunter Hayes' "Wanted" came on. For the first time since The Guardian entered over two months ago, this song hit me hard. The idea of feeling wanted appeals to me. Intermittently, I get that from The Guardian. The difficulty I have is the occasional long periods of time between visits due to schedule issues. I just saw him Friday. There was no reason for me to feel all silly and sappy. I felt stupid really, in a way. And yet, I cried. I suppose it was a day for crying. Once again, the unfortunate part of being an empath is that I experience days like today. I'm not quite in a funk, and I hope to avoid getting into one. There really is no reason for ending up in a funk. I need to focus on the good, the blessings, the love, the hope, the future.

I wiped my tears, picked up CD, picked up Miss Hollywood, and headed home. I got a call that CD has been selected for a special Christmas-time that the Lions and Soroptomists do and I find it exciting. This is a very positive thing for CD. He is thrilled! And I believe this special evening that he will have is just what he needs right now. I wish the ex was able to share in my enthusiasm. Unfortunately, it does not appear as though he does. At least he has agreed to make sure CD will be here in time for the special outing he has, since it falls on a visitation day.

One very bright spot in my day was having an AH-HA moment following this morning's blog post. I have found that I think I Corinthians 13 should be the faith thread of the book S and I are working on and I believe it will work well for many reasons. In fact, this realization led me to coming up with a working title for the book which excites me.

Today has been a great day! Tears and all....

I said goodbye to my brother and his family, which is bitter-sweet for sure. This starts a new chapter in their lives and I am thrilled for them. I was thankful for the opportunity to help see them on their way. I will miss them, of course. I already do. Then I had a fantastic day at work. I shared prayers and support with S. I loved on my babies. I created a dinner that came together nicely and CD enjoyed. The AH-HA moment thrilled me earlier in the day. The Guardian and I exchanged some texts. I sang Miss Hollywood to sleep with Christmas songs. My boy requested that I snuggle with him. Life really is good...even if I had to clean baby powder off of a cork floor and experienced a couple of cries. Life is good.

Love; loving, and hoping even if it means potential heartbreak

In the midst of a day that rattled nerves across the United States, I was having a great day. I started by dropping off my children as I normally do, with a minor exception. I took CD directly to school rather than to daycare where his daycare provider would take him to school for me. As it turned out, my dad had an appointment and both kids wanted to eat Cheerios with Papa. I changed course late in our morning routine and opted to take CD to school myself. I had overslept slightly. I fell back asleep after my alarm went off. During that time, I had a very vivid dream that involved a few of my students and my son. I awoke from it at 6:30 a.m.

I dropped him off at school after delivering Miss Hollywood to her daycare. Then I was ready to start my day. I had a breakfast date with The Guardian. I was looking forward to it. Once I finished getting myself ready for a long day ahead, I headed off on my way. On the way, a local radio station did a give-away of some Giants stuff. I had to give it a shot. So, I did. I almost gave up after getting a busy signal repeatedly, but suddenly, the phone rang and the DJs answered. I was able to answer their trivia question and I won. It was awesome!

The Guardian and I had a nice breakfast together. We talked, we ate, we talked some more. I gave him a few things I had picked up for him over the past few weeks. It started as a Christmas gift of sorts, but I really was unsure how I felt about giving a Christmas gift. It was just a few small items. Some bread I got in San Francisco, some candles that I thought were cool, a bottle of wine that I look forward to sharing. When we parted ways, I still had some time to kill before heading up to work for a luncheon. So, I stopped at Target and finished up some Christmas shopping. I returned to the car and headed on my way, but I managed to check Facebook where I saw some status updates that intrigued me. They referred to a news story, I guessed, that most people likely had heard. I, however, had not. So, I turned on the radio. It was then that I first heard of the school shooting that rattled a Connecticut town and the entire United States. Suddenly, I found myself bursting into tears. I turned the station, pulled myself together and went to the luncheon at work. The first grade teacher turned to me at one point, “Did you hear what happened this morning?” I answered in the affirmative, of course.

We didn't speak much of it after that. The staff and the parish family had a fantastic time together. As things started to wind down, I gathered up my things. I stopped in my classroom to grab a few items. Then, I headed out. On the drive back to my neck of the woods, I started processing the dream I had after falling back asleep that morning.

I was first with a small group of my students. I was engaging them in a very positive manner. I was affirming them. I was assuring them. I felt so good being surrounded by my students. (Note: the night before we had our Christmas pageant and it had gone so well. I went to bed exhausted and very happy as I was extremely proud of my students. I had also experienced an awesome moment when just before we went over to the church for the pageant. A student said to me, “I was hoping you'd be here. I'm so happy you came!”) Then I turned from my students and realized I was volunteering in my son's classroom. It was the end of my volunteer time and I walked over to CD saying, “My love, it's time for me to go.” (Note: I call him “my love” very rarely, and usually at very special moments.) I referred to him as “my love” several more times before this dream ended. What I found a bit odd, or interesting, was that I woke up from this dream at 6:30 a.m. and the first 911 call reportedly was made in Connecticut just about ten minutes after that (9:41 a.m. CT time).

I am a mother. I am a teacher. As both a mother and a teacher, I am having an incredibly difficult time processing what happened in Newtown, Connecticut. As I drove home Friday afternoon, I turned to NPR where I heard a report during which a journalist recounted a story of having discussed the events and the aftermath with a member of the Catholic Church clergy. It involved talking with a little boy who was just starting to understand that his sister had been killed. “Who am I going to play with,” the boy asked the clergy. I could not hold back tears. I had visions of CD and Miss Hollywood and instantly my heart ached, tears streamed. I felt sad for everyone, but especially for that young boy. I had to change the station back to a music station if I was going to make it through the rest of the afternoon. So, I did.

I went about my business. I had my nails done, picked up CD and Miss Hollywood from their respective daycares, and took them to a birthday party for one of their friends. For an empath like me, the day was hard and I was on extreme overload.

On Sunday night, CD started to have a meltdown. Play time was over. It was quiet time. It was time to settle in for the evening, but he didn't think he was ready for it. He acted out. At one point, he said he was mad at everybody. At that point, I pulled him into my arms, picked him up, and sat holding him. He calmed almost immediately as my arms wrapped gently around him. As we sat in a chair, I focused on just holding him. Then I looked him in the eye and said to him, “I love you. I love you very much. Even when you're mad at me, or mad at everybody, I love you. Even when you hit, kick, pinch, hit, try to bite, hit some more, I love you. You are always mama's favorite number one boy and I always love you. I love you!” He received it better than he has at other times. The hugs, the love, the care. He received it all. And he sat calmly with my arms around him. And I know he will be ok. We will be ok. Even on bad days, we will be ok.

I Corinthians 13:4-7 “ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

A common theme here in my blog appears to be love.

Two of my goals for 2013 involve love. 1) To love more fully and 2) To allow myself to BE loved more fully. The second of those may actually be harder than the first.

I have discovered within the last week that I have been extremely guarded with The Guardian. It is as if I have a wall around my heart. The positive in this, for me, is that by doing so, I have been calmer in dealing with things as they come. I have taken risks, but remained calm. I have opened myself up a little, but remained calm. I have not grown too attached. I started to let my guard down a bit the past couple of days and I am still a bit calm, but I am more nervous as I open up more. This may or may not have anything to do with my love goals for 2013. I don't know. What I do know is that at some point, that wall will need to come down. My past cannot define me. I cannot enter the future fearfully. I must open up myself and take more risks and not be afraid of getting hurt. I realize that as an emotional dreamer who was more than once said to wear her heart on her sleeve, I will get hurt along the way. That is a part of life, a part of who I am. But I cannot fear it. For now, I will focus on this part of that verse from I Corinthians “love....HOPES ALL THINGS.”

Hope.

I need more hope.

At times like these, hope seems difficult, but we all must remain hopeful, especially for the future. We do not know what the future holds. For all we know, the end of the Mayan calendar does spell the end of the world. Or perhaps, simply, it spells the end of the world as we know it and even greater things are still to come. Today I want to hold on to hope and use that hope to open myself up for love. Even if it means getting hurt in the process. I can do this. I can. Now, will I?

If you leave your heart somewhere, surely you should follow it

As the song says, "I left my heart in San Francisco." There are three places I need to go every so often because they bring me balance: Chico, the Foothills or the Ranch (hiking possibilities, outdoors, fresh air), and San Francisco. I was overdo for a good SF trip. I hate when people refer to it as "Frisco," but I did catch an interesting piece of trivia. Apparently sailors called it "Frisco." So, I will be more forgiving of my brother for saying it. Otherwise, it still annoys me. I lovingly call it The City. The Bay air, the beautiful sights, all of it bring me alive and fill me and prepare me for whatever is yet to come in their very own ways. And thus, a blog post was born...

Every so often, you need to take time for yourself and for friends and for life. Period.

This is something that thankfully, with the help and support from my parents, I am able to do. It takes weeks, sometimes months of planning, but they will watch the kids for me for a night or two while I have a therapeutic adventure. This weekend's adventure took me to my favorite city in the world: San Francisco. All of my recent trips here (this year), have included the children in one way or another. We have some great fun in San Francisco this year. CD and I made it to two Giants games. We saw the USS Nimitz in the San Francisco Bay. We discovered a great “dive” with awesome food where I also drank my first Anchor Steam. I have become more and better acquainted with the area around the Embarcadero and I don't get quite as lost trying to find my way back onto the Bay Bridge when it comes time to depart. I have walked more in this City this year than I've walked anywhere in a very long time. I love it.

So, S and I set out on a working adventure. Our second working adventure with a strong twist of celebration this year. We are finding that we need these trips and we hope to take one or two of them each year for the foreseeable future. I also hope to get S to move up this way, but that will come later.

The work came in many forms. One, we are continuing our post-divorce research of ourselves and how we function as we continue to emerge and assert ourselves in our rediscovered selves, in our freedom. It is interesting to see what I learn of myself. Risk taking is becoming a huge part of my life. I need to take more risks. Not big huge risks. I won't be jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge or something crazy like that. However, I do want to take more plunges. I want to take more risks in the way of relationships. I need it. I also need to continue to discover my assertive side a bit more. I did this in a few different ways on our trip to San Francisco. I will share them in a moment.

We interviewed each other some. I wrote some. We talked a TON. We turned off our phones for four hours to focus on the here and now, allowing ourselves to be truly present in the present. It was wonderful! I sought some financial advice and we briefly discussed my goals list for 2013 and how to write up one or two of my financial goals. We had a meeting to network for S and to catch up with someone she has a working relationship history with which allowed her to explore more ways to move into the future and I felt confident in participating in some of the discussion. It was a very nice breakfast experience. We explored our silly sides, too. We went to Macy's where we visited Santa and had our pictures taken then giggled our way through some pictures with a Justin Bieber cutout at a bar. Huh?! Weird, but fun and laughter felt so good! UT friend JL joined us for that. It was incredibly awesome! I loved it. We ate at the Public House, split a burger at Red's and walked more than eight miles in one day then close to three more miles Sunday morning. We explored. We lived. WE LIVED! I could not be more thankful for this weekend.

The risks: I approached a young man sitting alone at Public House, explained that I am taking more risks and said hello. That was it. Very public, very safe, and all I did was say hi, introduce myself, get his name, and walk away. I wasn't interested in anything more than just offering a greeting. So I did. I asked some random employee of one of the Wharf businesses if I could borrow his Segway, laughed and went on my way. I haggled with a street vendor and got a couple of bucks off a t-shirt for Miss Hollywood. I encouraged S to walk up a make-shift pathway for a photo op, then I did it myself and when someone started to kind of joke about our photo adventure, I said, “hey! Don't knock the most awesome person on Earth!” They just kept walking. I said “good morning!” to a group of nuns because the mood struck me, and in unison they responded, “Good morning! God Bless you!” I felt filled. Imagine if I had not said good morning to them. We are given incredible, amazing, awesome lives to live, explore, love...we must do our part to be in it and to do just that. If I am going to take more risks in my relationships, then I also need to not be afraid to to just go out and live. It's ok to say good morning to people. I had my picture taken with a guy in a Dalmation costume with three dogs. I ate a hot fudge sundae after eating way too much other food. I had a glass of wine instead of a cup of coffee to close out my Saturday night. I sent some random (and some not-so-random) texts to The Guardian and had fun with them. I walked well over 10 miles in a 24-hour period because it just made sense. And it felt good. I do not hurt the way I would have as recently as three years ago. I feel good. I smile. Yes, I'm a little stiff, but I'm not sore. Yes, I'm a little tired, but I feel so alive. These are the days that count but they only really count if we make them count. We need to live for each and every moment. There is no time to waste wondering “what if” this, that, and the other thing. If we look back and say, “I wonder what would have happened if...” we will never really know. If we sit and think “What if I tried...” Screw it! Just try it. I sat around pondering what to say to someone and then I realized, it did not matter. It wasn't about what I said, it was that I said something. So, I did. And I felt great inside.

Now, I will go home, sit down with my two sweet babies, and tell them that their dog died. It will suck. To say that it will be difficult is an understatement. However, I feel better equipped to do it now than I did before. And I will have hugs and love and support for them. And they will be ok. We will be ok. Life will be better than ok. It will be great. We must take all of these moments and live them fully.

As 2012 comes to a close and as I continue to look over my goals for the year to come, I feel good, confident, and happy about the year ahead. 2013 is going to be a GREAT year! I intend to do my part to make it such. How about you?

Gone to the dogs

The photo to accompany the coming blog.

That's a wrap: goal setting pays off

Late last year, I began a list of goals. I broke the list into categories: Physically, Emotionally, Family, Mentally, Financially. The main header for this goal list was "Healthier 2012."

Some of the goals overlapped and I listed them in all of the categories where they fit. I also set dates for some of the goals while listing others as "ongoing." Off to the right side, I made a section where I could write in Goal tending activities and such, things I would do to tend my goals and thus help me accomplish them. Some of the goals had to be modified slightly here and there, but most modifications were complete by February.

I struggled most with the financial goals, though overall, I was able to accomplish them. Only one goal remains incomplete as of today and that is getting a new-to-us vehicle. I started looking at what type of vehicle I would like for us, but there were circumstances beyond my control that did not permit me to quite see this one through. Though, steps were taken to make it more possible. It will roll over into 2013 and I will certainly see it through. Otherwise, though, I accomplished my goals. I am, therefore, declaring full and complete success.

I first learned more fully about goal setting and goal tending during a marketing training I did a few years ago. I believe very strongly in doing it and I believe that goal setting, and the related tending, can make a huge difference. I will set up my 2013 goals just the same as I did for 2012 and I will commit myself to meeting those goals.

Life is good. Life will continue to be good and I am hoping will even continue to get better. I am imperfect, but I know that and take that into account as I navigate through this life. I pray. I try Feng Shui. I write down my goals. I read. I reach out when I need help or support. I believe in myself. I believe in what I am doing. I trust where and when I can. I want the best for myself and my children. Therefore, I will work for it.

The weekend ahead will bring me the opportunity to do a little more in the way of careful financial planning and goal setting for 2013. At the same time, I will have the opportunity to write, to blog, to organize my thoughts, to have fun, to embrace someone I love who I haven't seen in nine months. S is part of my rock. I do not know where I would be today without her. This weekend, we will wrap up 2012 and all of its highs and lows. This weekend we will explore a city we love. It will be a working weekend full of fun and joy. I am more thankful for this opportunity than words can express. My hope is that My Chico will have the opportunity to join us for at least part of the weekend, but I am mentally and emotionally strong enough to handle it if circumstances prevent it.

One of the things S and I want to do this weekend is to visit Santa and share with him our hopes for Christmas. In a way, this is another part of goal setting for me. I will share with a total stranger some of my deepest wants (well, sort of) and I will embrace the childlike faith and hope of the Christmas season. S will do it too. We will do it together. Just as we have navigated this adventure of divorce, self-discovery, rediscovery, personal growth, hope, trust, faith for the past 18 months (plus) together.

With less than 30 days left in 2012, the time to look over past goals, celebrate victories, and set new goals has arrived.

There has been lots of talk of the world ending on December 21, 2012. All because the Mayan calendar ends. I for one hope that is not the case. However, one of the things I have done over the past 18 months is I have chosen to LIVE life. As I've written recently, I want to live life more fully and now I feel myself coming alive again. If you live each day to the fullest, if you appreciate each moment for what it offers, then what does it matter what happens December 21, or any other day tomorrow. None of us is promised tomorrow. So, while I will set goals and I will work to achieve those goals, there are two bottom lines for me: 1) live each day to the fullest and appreciate what I can and 2) remember each and every day that I AM AWESOME!

From this year's goal list:

Stripping the mask

As I perused my Facebook news page this morning, I saw several interesting items: fun posts from friends, reflective status updates, a variety of inspirational quotes...of them all, one stood out. A Jim Morrison quote that appeared on the "I Am That Girl" Facebook page read:

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first."

That quote can mean different things to different people. I read it acknowledging, of course, my history of having been in a 13-year marriage that nearly destroyed me. I took on a role. Actually, I took on many roles. I traded in my sense for an act. My ability to feel was completely lost to the point that I was numb, as I described in another recent blog post. And the mask....oh yes, the mask. I wore a mask. Sometimes I wore it better than others. Most certainly, however, I wore it.

When I was in high school, for a voice and diction class, we had to select two poems from "Black Voices" and essentially perform them. One of the poems I selected was Paul Laurence Dunbar's "We Wear The Mask." Obviously, it was written at a different time, for a different reason, for different people. [Dunbar died in 1906 at the age of 33.] There is something about this poem. I have never forgotten it, though I stumbled over pieces of it now and then when reciting it in my head. Still, I've never forgotten it and it has come to mind quite a bit over the past couple of years. As soon as I read that James Douglas Morrison quote this morning, I immediately went back to Dunbar's poem, began reciting it to myself, reflected some on what it means to me now, and came on to blog.

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
Does it mean anything in particular to you? If so, stop and think for a moment. Reflect. Think of it historically. Think of it personally. Think of it in the world today. But, please, stop and take a moment to reflect on it and what it means to you as you read it. Then, read it again.

All of this seemed perfectly fitting following my blog post here about putting on a smile and being the face of our business, and our family really, while feeling shattered inside.

Now, when I smile, I usually mean it. When I rejoice, I celebrate inside and out. When I cry, I cry because I can and for whatever reason, I need to cry. I yell when I need to yell. (which is not often) I live life, and as I wrote previously, I am coming alive. I need to do more of that. I need to fully experience this. And, so do you. We all do. Life should be lived and we should be as fully and completely alive as we possibly can. If you aren't feeling alive right now, find something that brings you to that place where you feel more alive. And soak it up. Then share it with the world however you feel you can.

About two year ago, when I first heard the song "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real, I burst into tears almost immediately. It captured so much of how I was feeling at the time. But, what it also did was it made me realize that it is from the husband's perspective and I wondered if my husband (at the time) grasped it. CD even asked the ex to listen to it at one point. The ex sat emotionless, as far as I could tell. I still wonder what, if anything, went through his head and I was completely shocked that anyone could listen to that song and not be moved at all...especially sitting in the room with his wife and children who had obviously felt something from the song. Now, I know better. And this is one other reason I have to support my belief that I have never experienced true romantic love. If I were, for whatever reason, to experience a difficult time in marriage, this is what I would want my husband to be thinking.

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames, I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling, but on the inside

Oh, I can hear her saying

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

So, for me, hearing this song wasn't just about what I was feeling and experiencing at the time. It was also about what I was NOT experiencing at the time.

It is refreshing to know that my past is the past and I am able to move on, move up, and so forth. I continue to process some of these things because it helps me define more clearly what I want and don't want. Seeing where and how I wore a mask, or masks, will help me avoid that in the future. S and I were talking recently about something along this line. We cannot allow our past to define who we are HOWEVER, it is a part of us and acknowledging what we can from our pasts will help us live more fully as we continue to progress into the future. Our past is a part of us, that goes without saying. Making the choice to not allow it to define us and to define our future is huge, though.

I send seemingly random texts to friends and The Guardian not because I need reassurance, but because I like to do those sorts of things. They are a part of me. I sometimes think I shouldn't, but then I realize that if I don't do something because I'm afraid of what the person on the other may think, then I am not being myself. I need to be myself. My true friends will understand that. And, they do. That's not to say I don't need a little reassuring every now and then. The healing process continues and, honestly, I like being thought of every now and then. It makes me feel good. As it should. So, if you're thinking about someone...let them know. You never know when you just might make someone's day. Go for it! What do you have to lose? Or, smile at someone new. Spread some joy in this crazy world. We can all make a difference just by being ourselves. How awesome is that?!

Feeling free to be yourself is HUGE! How free do you feel today?

And, if you're having kind of a rough day, Francesca Battistelli has a song to put that in perspective too.

 

And, while I'm on a kick of her music this morning, here's another favorite:

Life is good. God is good. Make today great!

Coming alive is more than living

I was sitting in church today and happened to both listen and contemplate the readings while also pausing to reflect some on last night's blog. It was processing all of this that led me to consider a follow up blog for today.

For years, I survived life. I lived each day. I worked, I went to school, I took care of my children. I made it through each day and my goal was always to make it through the next day. I did that rather well. I put on a smile and met new people. I handled the personal aspect of running our business. I maintained advertising clients. I sought new ones. I covered meetings and events. I photographed more variety of things than one could imagine. I loved what I did. I am, afterall, a "people person." I am a social creature and I often fuel myself from being around others. Still, I saw my personality shift some. I got closer to being a "star" rather than an "E" in my Meyers-Briggs ENFP personality. That meant I was gravitating into becoming an introvert. I have always been far from an introvert. Thankfully, I never fully lost myself and once conditions improved, I regained my "E" and am living it as fully as I can. Still, I have moments where I struggle. Becoming more of myself each day means I am learning to fully live and it means even that I am learning new things about myself. I am learning what I like, what I don't like, what I want, what I need. It is a process.

I have worked to live life more fully over the past 18 months or so, It actually started before I left. In fact, it had to start before I left. I don't know that I could have taken that first huge step out the door if I had not already decided that my life was worth living and worth living to the fullest.

The trip to Las Vegas with my girlfriends, running the half marathon, celebrating my 35th birthday by throwing myself a party, taking CD and Miss Hollywood camping, running a 5k, finishing my credential, meeting new people, reconnecting with old friends are all ways I have lived life more fully this year. It has been wonderful.

But now another shift is happening. I feel myself coming alive.

It may be resulting from the fact I have chosen to live life more fully. It may result from some of the things I have done in recent months because of the conscious decision to live life more fully. It may just be some recent events in my life. It may result from certain people, certain places, certain things. Whatever the cause, I like this. No...I LOVE this. I am coming alive and feeling good. Even on a day where I am tired, or hurt, or sad, or, dare I admit, even feeling a little lonely...I love this feeling of coming alive.

For the last two months before I left in 2011, I felt completely numb. I couldn't cry. Laughing was laborous. For me, as an empath, this was an indicator that there was something very wrong. Not only do I normally experience my own emotions, but experience (yes, experience) the emotions of others. To feel absolutely nothing felt incredibly wrong. But it was what it was. I was emotionally dead in some ways. I lashed out in anger more directed toward those with whom I felt safe. I reacted more to things the ex said and stood my ground. I shared with our marriage counselor that it concerned me that I wasn't feeling emotion the way I normally did. She thought perhaps I hit a point of emotional overload. Whatever it was, it wasn't me and nothing about it felt right. My emotions resurfaced rather quickly after leaving. But it really has taken this long to feel myself coming alive again. And I am so thankful for experiencing this.

I am coming alive AND I'm living life. Just one more offering of thanks as we close out this Thanksgiving weekend.

Hope springs eternal even in the midst of hard work

Relationships are hard work.

Especially, new relationships.

Relationships between two busy people are even harder work.

Especially, new relationships.

Relationships between two busy people when at least one of the two has children? Wow! Hard work does not even begin to describe it. Daunting, difficult, frustrating, at times exhausting.

Especially, new relationships.

The thing here, though, is that the hard work and overcoming difficulties and conflicting schedules, pays off. There is a reward. There is happiness, joy, pure and true enjoyment that can come from putting forth the effort.

I have said before that I don't need a fairy tale ending. And, I don't. If our lives “ended” with a big wedding and a sentence (“And they lived happily ever after...”) then what's the point anyway? The relationship, the love, cannot be the end. It has to be a part of the beginning. And, there is hope. There is always hope for a good life. Still, as my niece finished watching “Snow White” the other day, I looked at my mom and asked, “Do I dare say what I'm thinking? Perhaps I need to keep my jaded opinions to myself.” My mom responded, “You're just a commoner, Bekah.” Oh, right! Not a princess. Not royalty of any kind. Still, fairy tale love or not, I deserve a happy beginning, even if I am just some common chick from LA, surviving life in the Valley. Don't I? Don't we all?

And so, I put forth the effort. When I have someone to watch CD and Miss Hollywood and the opportunity to visit The Guardian, I take it. He brings me joy. He has shown me things and ways to enjoy life that I did not know existed. Even simple things such as opening up a box of pots and pans can be fun. Yep, I may be a dork, but I embrace my dorkiness and my love for the kitchen and for cooking contributed to the fun I had checking out The Guardian's new pots and pans. We haven't talked about everything, but so far we have been able to talk about just about anything. It is daunting, difficult, frustrating, and at times exhausting, but it is so worth it to spend even just a couple of hours with him.

Still don't know where, if anywhere, this is going. Still don't care. Still working to enjoy what I can when I can. And still, even when it is daunting, difficult, frustrating, and at times exhausting … I am happier than I have been in years. I love being able to be myself. I love learning more about myself, my true self. I love laughing. So, wherever this is going, I'll continue to enjoy the process.

Hope springs eternal, even when it requires some hard work. My ringtone for The Guardian? One Republic's “Good Life.”

...Oh, this has gotta be the good life

This has gotta be the good life

This could really be a good life, good life

I say, “Oh got this feeling that you can't fight”

Like this city is on fire tonight

This could really be a good life, a good, good life...

...When you're happy like a fool, let it take you over

When everything is out you gotta take it in...

 

 

Give thanks...

...with a grateful heart.

Thanksgiving. I have gotten myself so caught up in worrying about what I'm going to do on Christmas Day that I did not get as excited about Thanksgiving this year as I normally do. It finally hit me this week and now I'm jazzed.

I love Thanksgiving. Last year, I spent my first Thanksgiving away from my two children. I spent just the day without them, but it was weird. Thankfully, I had my parents with me and we shared Thanksgiving at the home of some of my dear friends: Nini and Her H. It was wonderful!

This year, CD and Miss Hollywood are with me for Thanksgiving Day. We will have a "quiet" Thanksgiving at home, just the three of us and my parents. I am looking forward to it. I do have family and friends I would love to see. But, rather than dwell on what I don't have or won't experience, I need to focus on blessings. And blessings are abundant indeed!

The Guardian had to work today. I texted him later in the day to see how his day was going. He mentioned that he was ready for "great food and crazy family." That sums up the holidays so nicely. And it helps to remind us what it is all about. We have great food to eat each and every year. And family (crazy or otherwise) make the day so very special.

Things for which I am thankful:
CD
Miss Hollywood
My parents
S and our spectacular conversations of late
My Chico and the awesome, amazing fact that I get to see her on Thanksgiving Day (that makes two major holidays this year that I am getting to share with her, Easter being the first earlier this year) PLUS we got to visit on Labor Day weekend AND we helped each other celebrate our 35th birthdays AND....AND....she's going to take our Christmas pictures tomorrow!
delicious food
my love and passion for baking and cooking and the fact I will do some of that this weekend
our generally decent and mostly good health
My friends and family near and far
Warm places to sleep at night
New experiences
My teaching job
The opportunity to volunteer in CD's classroom
Two wonderful daycare providers
The ability and opportunity to serve my church
The role God plays in my life
The tremendous support system I have in place
Children's voices singing, praying, saying the Pledge of Allegiance
Music
Having met new people, especially The Guardian
The chance to do some cool things over the next few days
My brother's completion of OCS
My sister (in-law)
My beautiful niece
My handsome and loving nephew
Nini and Her H
I could go on and on and on....and on....

I.AM.BLESSED.
Have you taken time to count your blessings lately? See what happens when you start to list them off. It's a pretty amazing thing.

I went back and looked at a few pictures from a year ago (and slightly over a year ago) and just looking at pictures of myself, I can see how far I've come. And, I have to believe that this momentum will continue. Bigger and better things are yet to come. The future is a place I look forward to because I know that I can make it a great one. Not just for me, but for my children as well. Life is good and I'm working on making it great! How about you?

For what are you giving thanks this Thanksgiving? Are you doing it with a grateful heart?

Finding balance, moving up, enter: The Guardian

My number one goal right now is to find, establish, and appreciate balance. I need balance. Part of my improving myself and my life is seeking and finding balance. I spend the majority of my time around children. I do it because I love it. CD and Miss Hollywood are a huge part of the most amazing parts of my life. I live for them. I work for them. I love for and with them. Yet, I also know that I need to experience adult-time. I need more than "Finding Nemo 3D" for trips to the movie theater. I need to explore my adult woman self. I struggle with this. It's all part of the quest for balance. The last movie I saw in the theater besides "Finding Nemo" was "Magic Mike." I took myself on a date. I went strictly for fun and fun I had. But, that was five months ago. I desperately wanted to see "Trouble with the Curve." I never had anyone to go with and I didn't opt to take myself. I missed it completely. Now, there is another movie I want to see and see it, I will. "Lincoln" opened this weekend. The commercials/trailers I have seen have been quite compelling. I've only seen it a couple of times. I looked up the trailer on YouTube and found myself even more sold on the idea of seeing the movie. I will have the opportunity this week. I will either take myself or, if things work out, I may actually have a date. Wow! A date! For a movie?! Cool! Either way, it will be nice to get out to a movie and not have my mind numbed by a movie I've seen 3,000 times while trying to keep CD and Miss Hollywood in their seats. Balance. Ahh...yes, balance. Perhaps balance is more elusive than I realize. I hope that I can find at least some semblance of balance. I believe I will. I trust I will.

S and I find ourselves encountering one lesson after another in trusting God. We do. We continue to and will continue to trust. However, these lessons in trusting God have become increasingly difficult. We talk a couple of times a week about the difficulty we have with some of these lessons in trust. Thankfully, we have each other to bounce things off of and we help each other through these times. How blessed we are to have each other! And, we are finding that we are growing increasingly excited about reading the Sheila Walsh book we selected. I am certain My Chico will appreciate this read as well and I know she is experiencing trust lessons herself. We are three 35-year-old women on this journey of trust. That may be a blog in and of itself.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life comparing dates (or potential significant others) to my ex. They deserve better than that. For the most part, I've been pretty good about it. This week, however, balance came in an interesting form. A month ago, I met The Guardian. He is younger than I am, but I took a chance. He was worth it. After being hit on my someone close in age to my dad, I sought to wash that away. At least, that's part of it. That same week, I came to the realization that I needed to be less concerned about age and more concerned about what I want and need from any man who I allow to come into my life. Age is just a number (though, the almost 60-year-old guy creeped me out significantly). I know from experience that there are 30-40 year olds who have never grown up. If being a man, showing respect, and knowing how to treat a woman was directly related to age, I certainly saw no indication of it.

So, when The Guardian asked me to join him one evening, I accepted. We met at a local pub. He opened the door for me. He pulled out my chair for me. My heart melted. I felt safe right away. I felt comfortable. I did not have any insane first date jitters. A few butterflies were along for the "ride" but it wasn't a terrible case of nerves as I had experienced previously on dates. I just let the evening happen and I felt completely comfortable being myself. Now, a month later, The Guardian and I have seen each other a few times. I lke this guy. I really like him. I absolutely, completely love the way I feel when I am around him and I am thrilled that I have been nothing but myself with him. The best part of all is that I have not been completely neurotic. I am an ENFP whose love language is "quality time." There have been moments where I have struggled. I won't lie about that. This is an area where some of my trust lessons are coming in to play. I am proud of myself and I like what I am seeing in myself. I have no idea where this is all going. I sometimes wish I did. And, sometimes,  I really like not knowing. I am learning to live in each moment. That's a good place to be right now. Learning to trust God more fully while learning to appreciate each moment God blesses me with are two incredible things.

I am in an itneresting place right now. As I continue to seek balance, I find that even when I think I know what I am going to write here, my thoughts have a way of coming together that even surprise me. I don't necessarily write what I sit down to write, but rather, I write exactly what I need to write when I need to write it. For that, I am thankful. I finally feel as though I am in a position to really move up. I moved out almost 18 months ago. I've worked hard on moving on and I spend each day continuing to work on moving on as it is the healthiest thing for me. But now, I am starting to reach the moving up stage. That became evident this week. One day last week, I had an outstanding day. I gave a new outfit a try. My students said I looked like a "rock star!" It thrilled me. S complimented the outfit. The Guardian had some very nice, positive things to say about it. I felt so incredibly good. I was upbeat, I was confident. I loved how I felt. Then, at the exchange, the first thing out of the mouth of that ex of mine was something mean-spirited. I suppose if we were friends, it could have been intended as a joke. But, we are not friends. And, even if we were, it wasn't funny. And in that moment, I was flooded by what was. It was not uncommon for me to have good days shattered by something he would say or do. It was as though he could not stand for me to be genuinely happy. It would seem he likes it even less now. His attempt to burst my bubble did not succeed, but I did have to explore the emotions it brought up in me. This is my life. Because of my children, I am forever connected to this person. (I don't dare call him a man.) This forever connection is for the children and I will do everything I possibly can to co-parent and do what needs to be done to ensure my children's happiness and well-being. I will not tolerate being treated like crap. I left that. I don't need it. I don't want it. It is done. And he can no longer control my happiness. Only I can control my happiness. So, I choose to surround myself with good-hearted, positive people. I felt good about myself regardless of what anyone else thought. But, I had 26 second graders, my best friend, and The Guardian who all had awesome things to say. Those are the comments I want to bank. They help me keep a positive "balance." Ex can take his nastiness and shove it. I am me. I love me. I have amazing people surrounding me and loving me and treating me right. That's what is important and that is what I need to hold onto now and always.

Two songs have run through my head this week.
I sang to myself (more than once): "I'm sexy and I know it..."
And periodically I have a Lady A song running through my head: "No I don't want to mess this thing up, I don't want to push too far, Just a shot in the dark that you just might, Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life..."

I don't know what the future holds, but what I've experienced the past few weeks has been beautiful. To top it off with the "balance" of seeing what I left behind while moving forward, there is not a doubt in my mind that I made the right decision and that I do not have to settle. There are good men out there. I am a good "catch." When God places everything right where it belongs, look out world! It will be a truly AWESOME thing!

I leave you with a couple of songs tonight.

What was:

"Funny how the heart can be deceiving, More than just a couple times, Why do we fall in love so easy, Even when it's not right..."

And, what is:

"Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do

Walked in expecting you'd be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don't know how nice that is
But I do"

Taking time

Tonight, I have a scheduled call with S. She, My Chico, and I are starting a book/Bible study. While we're setting up and starting our reading, S and I are going to spend a couple of phone calls in prayer, particularly for My Chico who has some important exams just around the corner.

Having finished reading The Five Love Languages, I was ready to read again. In addition to feeling more filled by writing more, I have found that I do, in fact, enjoy reading again. I go in spurts.

So, we are getting ready to start Beautiful Things Happen When A Woman Trusts God. Sheila  Walsh wrote it. She is by far one of my favorite authors and I am anxious to get going. I think the two weeks of prayer and devotional time will set a good tone.

As we sort through various things, we all reach a point where we absolutely must trust God. S and I have both struggled at times with this because we've both experienced times where when it is most important that we trust him, it is hardest for us. I look forward to seeing how this goes and sharing some of the results I see in my life from setting aside time for God and the two best longtime friends a girl could have. I am blessed.

Exploring Chapman's 5 Love Languages

S suggested I read "The Five Love Languages." So, I considered it. Two days later, I came across something else about reading it. At that point, I decided that I needed to find a copy and get to reading. I read four chapters the first day I had the book, but slowed some and spent the next two weeks reading through it. I also took the quiz on the website. I didn't think the quiz in the book itself was best suited for me, so I appreciated having the website to visit and explore.

At first I wonderd if I picked up the right book...for me. It definitely is geared toward married couples, and I am no longer part of a married couple, nor any couple for that matter. I am single. I am divorced, in fact. Some of the things in the book were difficult to read. At times, I felt as though I needed to explain why I ended up where I did. But, I realized that I do not need to explain anything to anyone. It was just me and the book. I was not fighting for my marriage. I had spent years fighting for a marriage that I've come to realize never had the elements described in this book. However, I can learn my love language and I can explore the love languages of my children. I can also use this as time moves on, especially in the event God blesses me with companionship.

For now, though, it was just something I needed to read. And read I did.

I now know my primary love language and it does not surprise me in the least. Quality time.

Whether you read the book or not, you can take an assessment on the website and discover your primary love language here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

Quality time is followed by words of affirmation and personal touch. None of this surprises me. I am not "bilingual," but I do recognize the importance of all three in my life. I explored these. I enjoyed reading about them and gaining more understanding. I also discovered as I read through the pages of the book that I have no idea what my former husband's love language may be. Here are some things I considered:

After I left, he complained that my lack of time at home contributed to the crumbling of our marriage. My spending more time away from home increased as our marriage struggled, but most of the time I spent away from home was spent working. I worked outside jobs to support the family and the business we had together. I was the only one going out and doing things for our business. I felt that was what needed to be done as I did not have a whole partner in any of it. I enjoyed going and doing things and he did not. If quality time was his primary love language, why would he not do more with me? Opportunity was there. He did not take it. So, I don't think that's it. I spent more and more time doing things on my own and with the children because he chose to not participate. Period. He found different excuses to not do this, that, or the other thing. So be it. There is still life to be lived. I went and lived it and when I discovered I was being held back emotionally and mentally, I did what needed to be done. At the end, I discovered that the twitch in my face was always worse at home. Guess where I didn't want to be? (That twitch drove me crazy for the last two months I was in the home.)

Come Christmas, his birthday, Father's Day, or any random holiday for that matter, he would always start talking about gifts. He had lists. He knew what he wanted and he told people what to buy for him. He did not seem to appreciate every gift he was given, but he loved to receive things that he had asked for. This, to me, rules out gifts as a love language. According to Dr. Chapman, someone whose love language is gifts appreciates every single thing they are given. This includes homemade gifts, the gift of time, the gift of conversation, hugs, support, etc. Those sorts of things were rarely appreciated. If they were appreciated, I sure did not get a sense that they were. Father's Day approached just before I left. I had started projects with the kids. Money was not something we had. But we could make time and we had creativity. In that crazy June, my ex told me what he wanted us to buy him for Father's Day. This was not uncommon. We would go shopping at a thrift store for clothes and he would wander off to find something else to spend money on...for himself. He was always on the quest for some purchase. Not gifts, but purchases. If spending money was a love language, this might fit. However, gifts does not.

Words of Affirmation was one I seriously considered. And then, I ruled it out as well. You see, I was accused of not supporting him enough. I was accused of not having enough faith in him. I was accused of being selfish. I regularly did everything I could to try to encourage him, rather that discourage him. I attempted to say things positively rather than in a nagging manner. I did not want to nag him. I walked on egg shells for years, afraid to say things. I never knew how he would react. When he wanted to explore his art as a means of making money and he had recently accused me of not believing in him, I started an art show so he could showcase and sell his art. I helped him buy the supplies he needed for painting. I gave him time and space to paint. I gave him words of encouragement. Truly, I believe I implemented all five of the love languages in an effort to show my love and support for him and his dreams. Over time, I put more and more effort into the art shows and he put less and less effort into the art. Again, he had all kinds of excuses. One painting remained unfinished for FOUR YEARS! He never completed a mural project that he had been contracted for with a local business, a contract I helped him get and start. There comes a time when one realizes that words are either falling on deaf ears or they are just not the right words. Already choosing my words very carefully, I had no idea what to do. Yet, I continued to approach him with love and care and support. It just didn't seem to work.

I spent the entirety of our marriage devoting time to acts of service. I did the yard work, I washed dishes (or they didn't get washed), I did all laundry except his (which I was not allowed to do since I didn't do laundry "the right way"), I cleaned (or things didn't get clean), I poured my heart and soul into doing anything and everything I could for our babies (even rinsing stacks of cloth diapers after returning home from work because they had not been rinsed all day). I worked inside and outside the home. I busted my ass. And this is as it always was. I worked damn hard to keep our family going. When he was down with some health issues, I took on all of the dinner cooking as well. Before that I had started working with meal planning so that our weeks would run more smoothly. I'm not sure what more I could have done in the way of acts of service. And knowing this, I almost had to laugh even considering this as a possible love language for him. I am surprised that it did not rank higher for me. I would have loved to have come home to a clean house, a mowed lawn, or clean laundry. It just didn't happen. I don't mind doing these things. In fact, to some degree I enjoy them. I actually love cooking again! For a long time, I did not. But, no....this was definitely not his love language, primary or otherwise.

Dr, Chapman suggests to look at what your spouse complains about most for clues to primary love language. When my ex complained loudly, I have to say it was mostly about sex. Or lack thereof. Yet, there were really strict conditions set. And, I hesitate to think personal touch is a love language for him because as Dr. Chapman describes, it can't just be about sex. He rarely, if ever, held my hand. He often chose to sit on the other side of the room from me. We almost never sat close at meals. I felt I had to ask for hugs. He was not particularly available physically unless "the mood" struck him in the middle of the night. And then it was just expected that I would be ready to go as well, regardless of how long I'd been asleep or what time I needed to get up in the morning. And, when I wasn't ready or willing then there would be an emotional toll to pay. I would get treated very poorly. He would shut down. These are the things that led me to feel coerced more than once. I even experienced him threatening his own life when he didn't feel that I had given him enough physical attention, most especially in the sexual sense. This is not ok. And this is not love.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Isn't that what we learn from the Bible, the Word of God?
Where was patience and kindness? Where was love?

Earlier this year, I came to the realization that I never actually knew the feeling of being in love. I hadn't experienced love. As I read through this book, it solidified that for me. I have not known romatic love. I never experienced even the beginning stages, the euphoria of the "in love" feeling that Dr. Chapman describes. I knew manipulation. I knew what I thought was love. It was not.

It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to love someone who does not love himself.

My hope for the future is that I will one day be able to explore what love really is. True, real, romantic love. I don't completely believe that it exists, yet. I know something like it is out there. My parents have real love. My grandparents had it and it still exists even though my Nana died two-and-a-half years ago. I can see the love my granddad still has for her. It's there. It's real. Some of my friends have it. There is love. Not fairy tale love. Not country music video love. But real love. Where people can discover and explore each other's love languages. Where things aren't picture perfect, but where love remains. There is love.

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;  bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
...
And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." (NKJV)

Keep on keeping on...and on...and on....

Things have been insanely busy. I started my part-time teaching job right before the big fundraising event I was co-ordinating at church. This job is working out perfectly. It is a long commute and I am making less than I would if I were substitute teaching daily, but the experience is worth it. I am working with a great bunch of students, wonderful parents, and my co-workers are about as awesome as can be. I love it! I'm learning a lot about myself. I am developing my ideas and getting new ideas from others. I am finding the balance required for second grade. This is the first year that they are more independent and they want to do a lot for themselves, but they don't have the independence that intermediate level elementary students have. Working with them on a daily basis is helping me to see this more clearly and I think I have found my stride. Last week was a fabulous week. Before that was Back to School Night and it was so wonderful to be a part of that. My next steps include finding ways to continue to build rapport with the students and their families.

What everyone needs to really hear about, though, is the fundraiser. Wow! Let me say that again... WOW! I had hoepd it would be good and what we ended up with was GREAT!!! It was even better than I had hoped and I am incredibly thankful for that. I knew all along that God was guiding this process, but to see it actually come together and be such a success really drove that home for me.

"Through Him all things are possible."

We had two entertainment acts. One was a local Christian rock band I have worked with in the past. They performed at the art shows I used to co-ordinate. I also had traveled to see them at Magic Mountain in SoCal and photographed it for them. Great things are happening for them as their music ministry grows. I am so happy for them and incredibly thankful for the great performance they did at the event. It was probably the best I've ever seen of them! God is so good!

The second act was a group of young ladies with beautiful harmony. CD adores these girls and their amazing voices. I had to buy a CD for my CD and he loves lsitening to it.

The food was great and everyone raved about it. Another Episcopal church donated the use of some tables so we had plenty of seating for dinner. The silent auction and raffle were both successful. We had a last minute donation of wine that helped with our wine bar, the silent auction, and additional fundraising. I say again...God is so good!

I have always had a heart for fundraising and event planning. I have always done what I can to follow what God puts on my heart. It all came together and I can honestly say that all credit for this event goes to God. I don't know that I could have done this event two years ago. My heart was in some of the same places, but my ability to hear what God put on my heart and my actual ability to see it through was inhibited. I've come a long way, baby! And I'm keeping on...

"Keep calm and carry on."

Over the past year, my life has changed dramatically. I don't just show up for church. I attend church. I am a part of my church. I am involved. I am happy. I am hearing God's calls again. Discerning them takes some work, as always. I feel as though I am better equiped for the challenge now, though.

"God doesn't call the prepared...He prepares those He calls."

In other keeping on news....CD and I went to a Giants game thanks to his birthday present from S. Giants-Dodgers to be more specific. Miss Hollywood watched it at home with her grandparents and by the time we got home, she was an old pro and the chants and cheers. We had great fun watching the game last night on television.

So, today I have a an important meeting in the morning, so it's time to keep on keeping on.... I'll try to get back to post again sooner rather than later. I cannot believe how long it's been. Time slipped away for sure.

Incredible week

It has been an incredible week, to say the least. It has actually been a week-and-a-half since I last wrote. It's kind of weird. I've missed writing, but I haven't really had time to sit and write. Once I get back on a regular schedule, I'm sure I will have more of a chance to write here on a regular basis.

The timing just came together really nice for things this past week. I learned that a job was coming available and I made sure that I was ready for it. I had that nice resume and was ready to go. I went for it! I called the principal. I got an interview. Just having the interview thrilled me. But going into the interview, something in me told me that this was the job for me. I felt more ready than I have ever felt for an interview. I went into not only confident, but proud of what I have accomplished over the past few years.

During the interview, I was asked why I should be hired. Words just flowed. Here's the bottom line (luckily, I was applying for a Catholic school, so I could speak my mind freely):

I believe that God has spent the last year preparing me for THIS job. Most of my experience had been with intermediate and above (elementary). The past year has focused on primary. I did my student teaching in kidnergarten and third grade. The majority of my substitute teaching was done in first and second grade. I have been collecting resources. As I went through them, I found that the majority of them were for second and third grade and for science and social studies. This half-time position focuses on teachign science and social studies. The other thing for which I am responsible is Daily Language Review (writing) and I am a skilled writer. God chose this job for me long before it existed. And he chose me for this job before I was prepared. But now, the job is available and I am prepared. Everything led to this moment.

Long story short, I got the job.

I GOT THE JOB!

I will be teaching second grade half-time. I will teach science, social studies, and Daily Language Review. So, I should be writing lesson plans. I should be preparing for the first day of school. But, I needed to first share my joy. I have worked three days, including a couple of hours today. Yes, I worked on Sunday. I needed to be ready. Connor went with me. We shelved books. We put up bulletin boards. We got ready.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Tomorrow is the first day of my career. Wow! Just, wow! I am ecstatic!

Over the last week, I experienced co-parenting successes. I witnessed my son's first week of school. I saw my daughter have a sick day where her dad had to pick her up instead of me.

My future is SO bright I GOTTA wear shades! Yep! I do. I have a bright future ahead. Things are going well for my little family. I pray it continues.

It has not been without some issues. I am actually struggling with some anger directed at God right now. I will work through it, with time. But, it will take time.

Just over a year ago, the kids and I moved out of the women's shelter. We first spent a couple of days with my family at our family ranch. We hiked, we visited, we shared in family traditions and made new memories. From there, we went to stay with two very dear friends from church. These friends helped through a difficult period of transition. They watched the kids while I attended class. They fed us. They gave us some amazing experiences, including feeding chickens. It was so wodnerful to feel so loved and so supported. I am thankful beyond words. Now, Ms. A is facing a very difficult health crisis. As a result, I am experiencing not a crisis of faith, but flat-out anger. I know God is there. I do not understand why things are playing out the way they are. Why do people who are so full of love and joy and grace suffer while others who bring misery and difficulty to those around them seem to strive? I.do.NOT.understand! I don't get it. But, as my rector pointed out today, 1) it's ok to be angry and 2) miracles happen.

So, I ask you...please pray. Pray for Ms. A. Pray for her husband, her daughters, all of her loved ones. Pray for healing. Pray for a miracle. Pray. Just pray. And, whatever happens, I know God will be there.

Pray also for S as she works through some of her divorce ridiculousness. I have yet to understand why power and control rule certain people, but those two issues do. They don't care about the people. They don't care who they hurt, even if it is themselves. They care only about maintaining whatever control they can. It is silly. Sometimes, I just want to write in the sky: MOVE ON! Instead, I pray. Another friend, Chicago, needs prayer for the same reason. Isn't is sad? There are so many men in the world who would rather maintain control and try to hurt the women they once took a vow to "love, honor, and cherish" that it makes me question so much. There are lots of guys who claim to be good guys. Lots of guys who claim that chivalry "is not dead." I know there are good guys. I've seen great examples of great men in my family. But, there is something wrong with the 30-somethings and that makes me question how many good guys there really are.

I'm a great "catch." But, finding someone who wants kids, but doesn't necessarily want kids of his own and who is willing to meet some of my romantic dreams will likely never happen. That's ok. Would I like to date? you bet! Would I like to find one of the good guys? Duh! of course. If it doesn't happen, will I be disappointed? Probably. Will it be the end of the world? Nah...life goes on and so will I. I can still raise my son to be one of the good guys. And, I will. One day, there will be a very lucky young lady because my son will do right. He better. or else, he'll have to deal with his mama.

And so....here we are....

PRAY PRAY PRAY

My first week with students. CD's second week of school. Ms. A and her health crisis. S and Chicago with their Big D issues....

Oh! And, one last thing...there is a heck of an event coming up next weekend! I pray it all comes together nicely this week and that the people who attend enjoy it! I am so excited! I ahve worked hard on this, as have a few others from church and I hope and pray it is all worthwhile for the parish.

Love and hugs, dear readers! Have a great start to the week!

But...

I think I still need a hug.

Closing the door on anniversaries

On August 8, 1998, I had no idea what my future had in store. I thought I knew what I was doing. I learned that I did not. Less than 10 years into marriage, I found struggles that I wasn't sure how to handle. But, I thought that the love I (thought I) had for my husband and patience would see me through. Just shy of my 13th anniversary, I knew that nothing of my doing was enough to see the "marriage" through and I left. I left.

Tonight marks my second anniversary since the separation, my first since the divorce was finalized. It would have been my 14th wedding anniversary.

The day went nothing like I had expected. Just 20 minutes after I dropped Miss Hollywood off at daycare, I received a call. Possible pink eye. Something that contagious cannot wait a minute. I re-worked my schedule. I did a conference call instead of going to a meeting. I made a few calls. I took Miss Hollywood to the doctor I scrambled to find a sitter willing to come to the house and when I came up empty-handed, I had to do some more adjusting. I had hoped for a hug from Mr. M this week (today). Not because of any residual romantic feelings that may or may not exist, but because I needed a good hug. I've needed one for several days. And, he had made hugs available. Now with a two-year-old being treated for pink eye, that was not an option. I had hoped for even just a few minutes to myself. That was not to be had. Miss Hollywood needed some extra TLC today. She did not understand why she could not go to daycare. She did not understand any of it. She just wanted a regular day and when that was not happening, she needed some lovin from her mama. I think I can relate. I certainly can understand.

I have needed an evening break for a couple of weeks. Tonight, I got it.

Knowing that I would have an hour or so to myself, I texted about six friends to see if anyone could join me. I heard back from only one of the six. She was not available. I was flying solo tonight.

I found a place close. I went by myself. I prayed the kids would understand.

Miss Hollywod cried. CD wanted to know where I was going. And, off I (hesitantly yet determined) went.

The Olympics were on one television set. The Giants game was on another. (It was weird watching live and getting very delayed ESPN alerts on my phone.) I looked around the bar area. A couple of girlfriends. A group of friends. Boyfriends and girlfriends. A husband and wife...celebrating...their anniversary. And there I was. I sat alone. I sipped wine and munched on a few chips. Pink Floy "Comfortably Numb" played in the background. I eventually made my way out to the patio. I relaxed. I reminded myself that I could do this alone time. It wasn't the same as sitting in a movie theater watching "Magic Mike." It wasn't the same as anonymously attending a church service. I had to just.be.alone. I spent my hour alone. I enjoyed the quiet, but I struggled with the alone time. Still, it was time well spent.

And...I closed a door. August 8 is now a meaningless date for me. It has to be. And if ever I begin to forget that, I have email messages I can go back and read to remind me. After almost 13 years of doing everything I could to salvage a farce of a marriage, I left. To "celebrate" the 14ths year since the wedding ceremony took place, I bid farewell to a life that never really was. And, I did it, alone. Successfully.

I returned home quiet and pensive. Mom asked if I was ok. No, I'm not ok. I don't know why exactly, but I'm not entirely ok. I have a lot more to learn. But my resolve in moving forward is strong. I wrote in a recent Facebook status update that "I wouldn't even want to date me right now." But you know what? I'm pretty awesome. And, I enjoyed my date with myself. Now I just have to take steps to help others see my date-worthiness. Or not. I can just be who I am. And if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

I would have liked to have not been entirely alone tonight. But, I do not regret taking myself out even for a second. I deserved it!

In the meantime, August 8 is meaningless now. Chapter closed. Door closed. Window open. Future shining bright with awesomeness.

Lesson learned and a culinary success

Last week, I started a new part of this journey. I have been reclaiming my life for well over a year. Last week, I finally had the paperwork in hand so I could reclaim the identity that goes along with that life. I do not remember changing my name after getting married being near this difficult.

I first visited the DMV last week. I knew there was no way I could stand to just waste away an afternoon there, so I grabbed the form I needed and headed out to my car where I called to make an appointment. I found that even the DMV automated line can be frustrating. But, I did it. I made an appointment. Carefully following the directions, I never did get the system to repeat my confirmation number. However, I did manage to speak to a human who was able to confirm that my appointment was listed in the system. Ahh....

So, I headed to the bank. This one should be simple enough, right? I just needed to change my name on my account and the accounts I have set up for the kids. 45 minutes later...I finally had my name back on at least one important thing. I signed the new signature cards and was on my way. While at the bank, I ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen since before I left in June of last year. I jumped up, ran over, and gave her a huge hug. I had thought about stopping by her house so many times, but never had taken the time to try to see her. I hoped we would reconnect and there we were. We met down the street for lunch. We got caught up and we enjoyed a nice summer afternoon. Balance. It had been a slightly less than awesome day up to that point. Then it slipped into superbly awesome! Rock on!

Today was my appointment, so I returned to the DMV. First, I stopped by the bank where I found out that I had overlooked a spelling error (my name) on two of the signature cards, so I was going to have to re-do the one thing I had celebrated having done. Then, I headed to the DMV. I had followed directions from their website for changing my name on the title. I had filled out the form for my driver's license. I had my court paperwork, forms, registration, and driver's license in hand. I was even a few minutes early for my appointment. How excited I was! I approached the counter and started talking to the woman there to help me. I didn't get very far.

"Have you been to the Social Security Administration?" she asked.
"Not yet," I replied.

Guess what?! You have to actually follow the order of operations here. Just like an algebra problem, if you do something out of order, you get the wrong answer. So, I rescheduled my appointment and headed to Modesto. Ok, I called my mom and vented first. I was frustrated, to say the least. This name was my name for the firt 21 years of my life. All I want to do is reclaim it. It is mine. It was the name on my driver's license when I first got it at 16. Every step has felt so incredibly complicated. But, I continue on and do what I have to do. This included spending about 45 minutes in the Social Security office. Now, I have to say, that office stinks. Quite literally. There are a lot of smelly people there and the whole place smelled bad. I've been exposed to one person on a regular basis with terrible hygiene and most recently was driven to the point of gagging when near him. (I finally just held my breath.) But this smell was everywhere. At first the numbers were called painfully slowly. Then, they picked up speed. I was releived when my number was called. I was even more relieved when I was called "to the door." I walked through the door into this office area. A nice, organized area primarily inhabited by employees. People with good hygiene. The odor was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief. I breathed a second sigh of relief once the employee looked over my documents and determined they were right for changing my name. I left with a piece of paper...a "receipt" to show that I had taken care of my name change with the Social Security Administration.

I don't know if I will ever get married again. Heck, I have no idea if I'll ever even get the hang of dating. But, my resolve is strong in one thing. IF...IF...I ever do meet a man who meets my needs and IF...IF...I am getting married again...I will NOT EVER change my name again. Never. If for no other reason than to avoid the Social Security office.

Lesson learned.

My culinary success tonight is one a friend suggested I put on Pinterest and I think I will. Yes, I was so excited that I sent a text to a few friends tonight. I was thrilled! I made salmon with a (fresh) peach relish. I cut up three peaches. I cooked them with a little butter. I added a teaspoon of sugar, three or four dashes of Tapatio, and some lemon juice. I cooked them some more. Then I took a potato masher and mashed them up some, but left it a bit chunky and cooked it some more. (Medium-high heat) It turned out SO good! I did the salmon in a frying pan with some olive oil, briefly on each side then I finished in the oven at 350-degrees. It turned out so much better than the last time I made salmon. I was relieved, I was excited, I overjoyed. And the best part of all was that everyone at the table liked it too! Another great experience in the kitchen! I love it!