I was sitting in church today and happened to both listen and contemplate the readings while also pausing to reflect some on last night's blog. It was processing all of this that led me to consider a follow up blog for today.
For years, I survived life. I lived each day. I worked, I went to school, I took care of my children. I made it through each day and my goal was always to make it through the next day. I did that rather well. I put on a smile and met new people. I handled the personal aspect of running our business. I maintained advertising clients. I sought new ones. I covered meetings and events. I photographed more variety of things than one could imagine. I loved what I did. I am, afterall, a "people person." I am a social creature and I often fuel myself from being around others. Still, I saw my personality shift some. I got closer to being a "star" rather than an "E" in my Meyers-Briggs ENFP personality. That meant I was gravitating into becoming an introvert. I have always been far from an introvert. Thankfully, I never fully lost myself and once conditions improved, I regained my "E" and am living it as fully as I can. Still, I have moments where I struggle. Becoming more of myself each day means I am learning to fully live and it means even that I am learning new things about myself. I am learning what I like, what I don't like, what I want, what I need. It is a process.
I have worked to live life more fully over the past 18 months or so, It actually started before I left. In fact, it had to start before I left. I don't know that I could have taken that first huge step out the door if I had not already decided that my life was worth living and worth living to the fullest.
The trip to Las Vegas with my girlfriends, running the half marathon, celebrating my 35th birthday by throwing myself a party, taking CD and Miss Hollywood camping, running a 5k, finishing my credential, meeting new people, reconnecting with old friends are all ways I have lived life more fully this year. It has been wonderful.
But now another shift is happening. I feel myself coming alive.
It may be resulting from the fact I have chosen to live life more fully. It may result from some of the things I have done in recent months because of the conscious decision to live life more fully. It may just be some recent events in my life. It may result from certain people, certain places, certain things. Whatever the cause, I like this. No...I LOVE this. I am coming alive and feeling good. Even on a day where I am tired, or hurt, or sad, or, dare I admit, even feeling a little lonely...I love this feeling of coming alive.
For the last two months before I left in 2011, I felt completely numb. I couldn't cry. Laughing was laborous. For me, as an empath, this was an indicator that there was something very wrong. Not only do I normally experience my own emotions, but experience (yes, experience) the emotions of others. To feel absolutely nothing felt incredibly wrong. But it was what it was. I was emotionally dead in some ways. I lashed out in anger more directed toward those with whom I felt safe. I reacted more to things the ex said and stood my ground. I shared with our marriage counselor that it concerned me that I wasn't feeling emotion the way I normally did. She thought perhaps I hit a point of emotional overload. Whatever it was, it wasn't me and nothing about it felt right. My emotions resurfaced rather quickly after leaving. But it really has taken this long to feel myself coming alive again. And I am so thankful for experiencing this.
I am coming alive AND I'm living life. Just one more offering of thanks as we close out this Thanksgiving weekend.
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