Here comes the sun...

I think that because it has been so long since I blogged, I have a flood of thoughts. This, of course, is my place to organize those thoughts. So, this may be a bit of randomness today.

My schedule is a little off today, but I did look ahead at making modifications today. Mom and I have grocery shopping to do and we've beenn dealing with a couple of other things. My afternoon "class" time will remain intact and I will work on my TPA tasks then. That's the key to all of this. That, and, keeping the kids on a schedule where they know they have to be up and out first thing in the morning. I have so many sub days sprinkled through the last two weeks of school that the kids need to be comfortable in their routine, rather than comfortable and lazy one day and super rushed the next. I need the same. A schedule is a good thing. The structure is already helping, I think. I hope.

We have quite a week ahead. Dad is traveling. I'm already enjoying following him along on his trip. But, I know his two grandbabies will miss his presence greatly until his return.

The week ahead includes preparation for a very special birthday. Is Connor really about to turn FIVE?! Has it been five years? I can hardly believe it. Just yesterday, I'm sure it was, that he looked like this:

But, alas...time has flown by and my sweet baby boy is celebrating another birthday. (That will be more of a detailed topic for Monday, May 28.) But look at this:

I am truly practicing this self-love "thing" with my friend and fellow blogger. It is a good practice to have. It is a beautiful thing to look at even little decisions and ask myself, "where is my self-love in this?" and then to identify it and focus on it. Whether it is deciding what to wear or looking at a good "shower cry." Ah, yes...the shower cry. The release. The truly openness to myself. Releasing toxins from the body and cleansing myself inside and out. The shower cry has new meaning in this time of reflection and actions of self-love.

Today, as I started to blog, I thought of one of myf avorite Bible verses, Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And then, I went to look it up and read it. But I also felt it was time to look at it in context. I remind myself that I can do anything through Christ. My faith gets me places nothing else can. But the context was something I had not read in some time. Take a look:

"Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!

Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.

But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at last your care for me has flourished again; though you surely did care, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:4-13 (NKJV)

Isn't it AWEsome?! Look at that! At first, I was going to share 10-13, then I looked higher. I love starting with 4:4... REJOICE!

This is the day that the lord has made. Let us REJOICE and be glad in it!!!

"I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content." Meditate on that. What does it mean to you? For you?

This is something that has been a part of my self-love. Instead of freaking out, I am trying to stay focused. I thought I was not going to have someone to help me get Connor to taekwondo this week because of a goofy mistake I made in a text. Instead of going into a panic and "fixer-mode," I decided that whatever was meant to be will be. I needed to keep my focus on my task writing. I was coming from a great support group art meeting with a fun, beautiful, inspiring art project in my hand. "If this is the biggest problem I have today, then it's gong to be a pretty good day." And on about my day I went. Guess what? Things worked out just fine. My "problem" wasn't a problem. Connor has a ride to taekwondo. I will be there to pick him up. And in the end of all of this, I was again giving thanks to my friends and family who never cease to amaze me with their love and support. I thank God every single day for the awesome people who surround me in my life. I am blessed. Even in moments of frustration, I can see that.

So, I went to Bible Gateway to read through that section of Philippians. There, the Verse of the Day caught my eye.

Here it is:

“For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” Galatians 5:13 (NKJV)

Perfect! Absolutely perfect! or anyone in a situation similar to what I am in, this can take a very strong meaning.

"called to liberty"
I am free! I can live with freedom in liberty. But, I am not doing it simply for myself. In fact, it has little to nothing to do with "the flesh." It has everything to do with "through love serve each other."

I am able to do things with and for my children that I don't think I could before.
I am writing a book not for myself, but for others.
I am attending church more and more fully than ever before.
I am volunteering and serving through church.
I am surrounded by love and working to share that love in new ways.
I am. But it's not me. It is "I AM" It is God. God has done these things. God continues to do these things. Look for the small miracles in life.

oh look! Here comes the sun!

To say I have fallen behind would be a great understatement. The good part,  I suppose, is that I have been living life. The bad part is that I am not blogging. I set up this blog to help keep me on track as I work on a book. So, to stay on track, I need to blog. I have fallen behind again on my TPA task writing. I need to complete it in order to complete my credential. So, needless to say, I have a lot of work to do!
I have committed myself recently to 100 acts of self-love as part of something a mom friend of mine is doing. It is keeping me focused on some important things as I work to complete at least five acts of self love each day for 20 days. It is going surprisingly well. I love myself. Of that, I have no doubt. But after 13 years of being beaten down emotionally, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I have already made great strides in getting a lot back, but this 20-day commitment is helping a LOT right now.
So, putting this all together in my head led me to coming up with a two-week, strict schedule. I need to hold myself accountable. I need to see things through. I am hoping to continue with this stricter schedule at least until I have completed my TPA task writing. Then, I can re-work the schedule. So far, so good. Except, I cut into my blog time with a little more Facebook time than I had expected this morning. I have blog time set aside for most mornings. It is something I can do while I have my morning coffee. I have one hour in the mornign for FB and blogging, unless I am scheduled to substitute teach. I then have a total of up to four hours a day set aside for working on the TPA tasks. Some of it is "homework" time and some is "class" time. I have done it this way so that I do not get sidetracked. I will work at home some of the time and work in the library, at a coffee shop, or somewhere else for part of the time.
This morning, though, in place of the homework time, I am going to the art support group that has helped me greatly. I love this group and I need it.
As the one-year mark approaches, of my leaving the marriage that took such a toll on me and my life, I am finding that there is a definite grieving process that goes along with all of this. It is not unlike the the grieving process one may experience when losing a loved one. I am experiencing a little more random anxiety. I am feeling a bit of mourning. Among other things, I am mourning dreams shattered. Just this weekend, I realized yet another thing that I always thought would be a part of my life that never was and never will be. This weekend, I also realized that I cannot let my guard down even for a second. It doesn't take long for a person to manipulate a willingness to co-parent into an overstep of boundaries.
As my blog time for today comes to an end, I will say this. I am looking forward to my routine. I believe that I can see these things through and I believe that I can make a difference in my life and the lives of others.
I ran a half-marathon March 18 to celebrate my 35th birthday. I celebrated with friends and family. I have a great summer ahead with lots of fun activities with my amazing, beautiful, loving children. I am stronger than I think. And, you are too.
Please help hold me accountable. Please come back and read. Please, also keep me in thought and prayer as I see this renewed commitment to self through as it evolves into something even more beautiful than even I can imagine. There may even be some fun recipes coming! =)