Stripping the mask

As I perused my Facebook news page this morning, I saw several interesting items: fun posts from friends, reflective status updates, a variety of inspirational quotes...of them all, one stood out. A Jim Morrison quote that appeared on the "I Am That Girl" Facebook page read:

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first."

That quote can mean different things to different people. I read it acknowledging, of course, my history of having been in a 13-year marriage that nearly destroyed me. I took on a role. Actually, I took on many roles. I traded in my sense for an act. My ability to feel was completely lost to the point that I was numb, as I described in another recent blog post. And the mask....oh yes, the mask. I wore a mask. Sometimes I wore it better than others. Most certainly, however, I wore it.

When I was in high school, for a voice and diction class, we had to select two poems from "Black Voices" and essentially perform them. One of the poems I selected was Paul Laurence Dunbar's "We Wear The Mask." Obviously, it was written at a different time, for a different reason, for different people. [Dunbar died in 1906 at the age of 33.] There is something about this poem. I have never forgotten it, though I stumbled over pieces of it now and then when reciting it in my head. Still, I've never forgotten it and it has come to mind quite a bit over the past couple of years. As soon as I read that James Douglas Morrison quote this morning, I immediately went back to Dunbar's poem, began reciting it to myself, reflected some on what it means to me now, and came on to blog.

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
Does it mean anything in particular to you? If so, stop and think for a moment. Reflect. Think of it historically. Think of it personally. Think of it in the world today. But, please, stop and take a moment to reflect on it and what it means to you as you read it. Then, read it again.

All of this seemed perfectly fitting following my blog post here about putting on a smile and being the face of our business, and our family really, while feeling shattered inside.

Now, when I smile, I usually mean it. When I rejoice, I celebrate inside and out. When I cry, I cry because I can and for whatever reason, I need to cry. I yell when I need to yell. (which is not often) I live life, and as I wrote previously, I am coming alive. I need to do more of that. I need to fully experience this. And, so do you. We all do. Life should be lived and we should be as fully and completely alive as we possibly can. If you aren't feeling alive right now, find something that brings you to that place where you feel more alive. And soak it up. Then share it with the world however you feel you can.

About two year ago, when I first heard the song "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real, I burst into tears almost immediately. It captured so much of how I was feeling at the time. But, what it also did was it made me realize that it is from the husband's perspective and I wondered if my husband (at the time) grasped it. CD even asked the ex to listen to it at one point. The ex sat emotionless, as far as I could tell. I still wonder what, if anything, went through his head and I was completely shocked that anyone could listen to that song and not be moved at all...especially sitting in the room with his wife and children who had obviously felt something from the song. Now, I know better. And this is one other reason I have to support my belief that I have never experienced true romantic love. If I were, for whatever reason, to experience a difficult time in marriage, this is what I would want my husband to be thinking.

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames, I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling, but on the inside

Oh, I can hear her saying

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

So, for me, hearing this song wasn't just about what I was feeling and experiencing at the time. It was also about what I was NOT experiencing at the time.

It is refreshing to know that my past is the past and I am able to move on, move up, and so forth. I continue to process some of these things because it helps me define more clearly what I want and don't want. Seeing where and how I wore a mask, or masks, will help me avoid that in the future. S and I were talking recently about something along this line. We cannot allow our past to define who we are HOWEVER, it is a part of us and acknowledging what we can from our pasts will help us live more fully as we continue to progress into the future. Our past is a part of us, that goes without saying. Making the choice to not allow it to define us and to define our future is huge, though.

I send seemingly random texts to friends and The Guardian not because I need reassurance, but because I like to do those sorts of things. They are a part of me. I sometimes think I shouldn't, but then I realize that if I don't do something because I'm afraid of what the person on the other may think, then I am not being myself. I need to be myself. My true friends will understand that. And, they do. That's not to say I don't need a little reassuring every now and then. The healing process continues and, honestly, I like being thought of every now and then. It makes me feel good. As it should. So, if you're thinking about someone...let them know. You never know when you just might make someone's day. Go for it! What do you have to lose? Or, smile at someone new. Spread some joy in this crazy world. We can all make a difference just by being ourselves. How awesome is that?!

Feeling free to be yourself is HUGE! How free do you feel today?

And, if you're having kind of a rough day, Francesca Battistelli has a song to put that in perspective too.

 

And, while I'm on a kick of her music this morning, here's another favorite:

Life is good. God is good. Make today great!

Coming alive is more than living

I was sitting in church today and happened to both listen and contemplate the readings while also pausing to reflect some on last night's blog. It was processing all of this that led me to consider a follow up blog for today.

For years, I survived life. I lived each day. I worked, I went to school, I took care of my children. I made it through each day and my goal was always to make it through the next day. I did that rather well. I put on a smile and met new people. I handled the personal aspect of running our business. I maintained advertising clients. I sought new ones. I covered meetings and events. I photographed more variety of things than one could imagine. I loved what I did. I am, afterall, a "people person." I am a social creature and I often fuel myself from being around others. Still, I saw my personality shift some. I got closer to being a "star" rather than an "E" in my Meyers-Briggs ENFP personality. That meant I was gravitating into becoming an introvert. I have always been far from an introvert. Thankfully, I never fully lost myself and once conditions improved, I regained my "E" and am living it as fully as I can. Still, I have moments where I struggle. Becoming more of myself each day means I am learning to fully live and it means even that I am learning new things about myself. I am learning what I like, what I don't like, what I want, what I need. It is a process.

I have worked to live life more fully over the past 18 months or so, It actually started before I left. In fact, it had to start before I left. I don't know that I could have taken that first huge step out the door if I had not already decided that my life was worth living and worth living to the fullest.

The trip to Las Vegas with my girlfriends, running the half marathon, celebrating my 35th birthday by throwing myself a party, taking CD and Miss Hollywood camping, running a 5k, finishing my credential, meeting new people, reconnecting with old friends are all ways I have lived life more fully this year. It has been wonderful.

But now another shift is happening. I feel myself coming alive.

It may be resulting from the fact I have chosen to live life more fully. It may result from some of the things I have done in recent months because of the conscious decision to live life more fully. It may just be some recent events in my life. It may result from certain people, certain places, certain things. Whatever the cause, I like this. No...I LOVE this. I am coming alive and feeling good. Even on a day where I am tired, or hurt, or sad, or, dare I admit, even feeling a little lonely...I love this feeling of coming alive.

For the last two months before I left in 2011, I felt completely numb. I couldn't cry. Laughing was laborous. For me, as an empath, this was an indicator that there was something very wrong. Not only do I normally experience my own emotions, but experience (yes, experience) the emotions of others. To feel absolutely nothing felt incredibly wrong. But it was what it was. I was emotionally dead in some ways. I lashed out in anger more directed toward those with whom I felt safe. I reacted more to things the ex said and stood my ground. I shared with our marriage counselor that it concerned me that I wasn't feeling emotion the way I normally did. She thought perhaps I hit a point of emotional overload. Whatever it was, it wasn't me and nothing about it felt right. My emotions resurfaced rather quickly after leaving. But it really has taken this long to feel myself coming alive again. And I am so thankful for experiencing this.

I am coming alive AND I'm living life. Just one more offering of thanks as we close out this Thanksgiving weekend.

Hope springs eternal even in the midst of hard work

Relationships are hard work.

Especially, new relationships.

Relationships between two busy people are even harder work.

Especially, new relationships.

Relationships between two busy people when at least one of the two has children? Wow! Hard work does not even begin to describe it. Daunting, difficult, frustrating, at times exhausting.

Especially, new relationships.

The thing here, though, is that the hard work and overcoming difficulties and conflicting schedules, pays off. There is a reward. There is happiness, joy, pure and true enjoyment that can come from putting forth the effort.

I have said before that I don't need a fairy tale ending. And, I don't. If our lives “ended” with a big wedding and a sentence (“And they lived happily ever after...”) then what's the point anyway? The relationship, the love, cannot be the end. It has to be a part of the beginning. And, there is hope. There is always hope for a good life. Still, as my niece finished watching “Snow White” the other day, I looked at my mom and asked, “Do I dare say what I'm thinking? Perhaps I need to keep my jaded opinions to myself.” My mom responded, “You're just a commoner, Bekah.” Oh, right! Not a princess. Not royalty of any kind. Still, fairy tale love or not, I deserve a happy beginning, even if I am just some common chick from LA, surviving life in the Valley. Don't I? Don't we all?

And so, I put forth the effort. When I have someone to watch CD and Miss Hollywood and the opportunity to visit The Guardian, I take it. He brings me joy. He has shown me things and ways to enjoy life that I did not know existed. Even simple things such as opening up a box of pots and pans can be fun. Yep, I may be a dork, but I embrace my dorkiness and my love for the kitchen and for cooking contributed to the fun I had checking out The Guardian's new pots and pans. We haven't talked about everything, but so far we have been able to talk about just about anything. It is daunting, difficult, frustrating, and at times exhausting, but it is so worth it to spend even just a couple of hours with him.

Still don't know where, if anywhere, this is going. Still don't care. Still working to enjoy what I can when I can. And still, even when it is daunting, difficult, frustrating, and at times exhausting … I am happier than I have been in years. I love being able to be myself. I love learning more about myself, my true self. I love laughing. So, wherever this is going, I'll continue to enjoy the process.

Hope springs eternal, even when it requires some hard work. My ringtone for The Guardian? One Republic's “Good Life.”

...Oh, this has gotta be the good life

This has gotta be the good life

This could really be a good life, good life

I say, “Oh got this feeling that you can't fight”

Like this city is on fire tonight

This could really be a good life, a good, good life...

...When you're happy like a fool, let it take you over

When everything is out you gotta take it in...

 

 

Give thanks...

...with a grateful heart.

Thanksgiving. I have gotten myself so caught up in worrying about what I'm going to do on Christmas Day that I did not get as excited about Thanksgiving this year as I normally do. It finally hit me this week and now I'm jazzed.

I love Thanksgiving. Last year, I spent my first Thanksgiving away from my two children. I spent just the day without them, but it was weird. Thankfully, I had my parents with me and we shared Thanksgiving at the home of some of my dear friends: Nini and Her H. It was wonderful!

This year, CD and Miss Hollywood are with me for Thanksgiving Day. We will have a "quiet" Thanksgiving at home, just the three of us and my parents. I am looking forward to it. I do have family and friends I would love to see. But, rather than dwell on what I don't have or won't experience, I need to focus on blessings. And blessings are abundant indeed!

The Guardian had to work today. I texted him later in the day to see how his day was going. He mentioned that he was ready for "great food and crazy family." That sums up the holidays so nicely. And it helps to remind us what it is all about. We have great food to eat each and every year. And family (crazy or otherwise) make the day so very special.

Things for which I am thankful:
CD
Miss Hollywood
My parents
S and our spectacular conversations of late
My Chico and the awesome, amazing fact that I get to see her on Thanksgiving Day (that makes two major holidays this year that I am getting to share with her, Easter being the first earlier this year) PLUS we got to visit on Labor Day weekend AND we helped each other celebrate our 35th birthdays AND....AND....she's going to take our Christmas pictures tomorrow!
delicious food
my love and passion for baking and cooking and the fact I will do some of that this weekend
our generally decent and mostly good health
My friends and family near and far
Warm places to sleep at night
New experiences
My teaching job
The opportunity to volunteer in CD's classroom
Two wonderful daycare providers
The ability and opportunity to serve my church
The role God plays in my life
The tremendous support system I have in place
Children's voices singing, praying, saying the Pledge of Allegiance
Music
Having met new people, especially The Guardian
The chance to do some cool things over the next few days
My brother's completion of OCS
My sister (in-law)
My beautiful niece
My handsome and loving nephew
Nini and Her H
I could go on and on and on....and on....

I.AM.BLESSED.
Have you taken time to count your blessings lately? See what happens when you start to list them off. It's a pretty amazing thing.

I went back and looked at a few pictures from a year ago (and slightly over a year ago) and just looking at pictures of myself, I can see how far I've come. And, I have to believe that this momentum will continue. Bigger and better things are yet to come. The future is a place I look forward to because I know that I can make it a great one. Not just for me, but for my children as well. Life is good and I'm working on making it great! How about you?

For what are you giving thanks this Thanksgiving? Are you doing it with a grateful heart?

Finding balance, moving up, enter: The Guardian

My number one goal right now is to find, establish, and appreciate balance. I need balance. Part of my improving myself and my life is seeking and finding balance. I spend the majority of my time around children. I do it because I love it. CD and Miss Hollywood are a huge part of the most amazing parts of my life. I live for them. I work for them. I love for and with them. Yet, I also know that I need to experience adult-time. I need more than "Finding Nemo 3D" for trips to the movie theater. I need to explore my adult woman self. I struggle with this. It's all part of the quest for balance. The last movie I saw in the theater besides "Finding Nemo" was "Magic Mike." I took myself on a date. I went strictly for fun and fun I had. But, that was five months ago. I desperately wanted to see "Trouble with the Curve." I never had anyone to go with and I didn't opt to take myself. I missed it completely. Now, there is another movie I want to see and see it, I will. "Lincoln" opened this weekend. The commercials/trailers I have seen have been quite compelling. I've only seen it a couple of times. I looked up the trailer on YouTube and found myself even more sold on the idea of seeing the movie. I will have the opportunity this week. I will either take myself or, if things work out, I may actually have a date. Wow! A date! For a movie?! Cool! Either way, it will be nice to get out to a movie and not have my mind numbed by a movie I've seen 3,000 times while trying to keep CD and Miss Hollywood in their seats. Balance. Ahh...yes, balance. Perhaps balance is more elusive than I realize. I hope that I can find at least some semblance of balance. I believe I will. I trust I will.

S and I find ourselves encountering one lesson after another in trusting God. We do. We continue to and will continue to trust. However, these lessons in trusting God have become increasingly difficult. We talk a couple of times a week about the difficulty we have with some of these lessons in trust. Thankfully, we have each other to bounce things off of and we help each other through these times. How blessed we are to have each other! And, we are finding that we are growing increasingly excited about reading the Sheila Walsh book we selected. I am certain My Chico will appreciate this read as well and I know she is experiencing trust lessons herself. We are three 35-year-old women on this journey of trust. That may be a blog in and of itself.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life comparing dates (or potential significant others) to my ex. They deserve better than that. For the most part, I've been pretty good about it. This week, however, balance came in an interesting form. A month ago, I met The Guardian. He is younger than I am, but I took a chance. He was worth it. After being hit on my someone close in age to my dad, I sought to wash that away. At least, that's part of it. That same week, I came to the realization that I needed to be less concerned about age and more concerned about what I want and need from any man who I allow to come into my life. Age is just a number (though, the almost 60-year-old guy creeped me out significantly). I know from experience that there are 30-40 year olds who have never grown up. If being a man, showing respect, and knowing how to treat a woman was directly related to age, I certainly saw no indication of it.

So, when The Guardian asked me to join him one evening, I accepted. We met at a local pub. He opened the door for me. He pulled out my chair for me. My heart melted. I felt safe right away. I felt comfortable. I did not have any insane first date jitters. A few butterflies were along for the "ride" but it wasn't a terrible case of nerves as I had experienced previously on dates. I just let the evening happen and I felt completely comfortable being myself. Now, a month later, The Guardian and I have seen each other a few times. I lke this guy. I really like him. I absolutely, completely love the way I feel when I am around him and I am thrilled that I have been nothing but myself with him. The best part of all is that I have not been completely neurotic. I am an ENFP whose love language is "quality time." There have been moments where I have struggled. I won't lie about that. This is an area where some of my trust lessons are coming in to play. I am proud of myself and I like what I am seeing in myself. I have no idea where this is all going. I sometimes wish I did. And, sometimes,  I really like not knowing. I am learning to live in each moment. That's a good place to be right now. Learning to trust God more fully while learning to appreciate each moment God blesses me with are two incredible things.

I am in an itneresting place right now. As I continue to seek balance, I find that even when I think I know what I am going to write here, my thoughts have a way of coming together that even surprise me. I don't necessarily write what I sit down to write, but rather, I write exactly what I need to write when I need to write it. For that, I am thankful. I finally feel as though I am in a position to really move up. I moved out almost 18 months ago. I've worked hard on moving on and I spend each day continuing to work on moving on as it is the healthiest thing for me. But now, I am starting to reach the moving up stage. That became evident this week. One day last week, I had an outstanding day. I gave a new outfit a try. My students said I looked like a "rock star!" It thrilled me. S complimented the outfit. The Guardian had some very nice, positive things to say about it. I felt so incredibly good. I was upbeat, I was confident. I loved how I felt. Then, at the exchange, the first thing out of the mouth of that ex of mine was something mean-spirited. I suppose if we were friends, it could have been intended as a joke. But, we are not friends. And, even if we were, it wasn't funny. And in that moment, I was flooded by what was. It was not uncommon for me to have good days shattered by something he would say or do. It was as though he could not stand for me to be genuinely happy. It would seem he likes it even less now. His attempt to burst my bubble did not succeed, but I did have to explore the emotions it brought up in me. This is my life. Because of my children, I am forever connected to this person. (I don't dare call him a man.) This forever connection is for the children and I will do everything I possibly can to co-parent and do what needs to be done to ensure my children's happiness and well-being. I will not tolerate being treated like crap. I left that. I don't need it. I don't want it. It is done. And he can no longer control my happiness. Only I can control my happiness. So, I choose to surround myself with good-hearted, positive people. I felt good about myself regardless of what anyone else thought. But, I had 26 second graders, my best friend, and The Guardian who all had awesome things to say. Those are the comments I want to bank. They help me keep a positive "balance." Ex can take his nastiness and shove it. I am me. I love me. I have amazing people surrounding me and loving me and treating me right. That's what is important and that is what I need to hold onto now and always.

Two songs have run through my head this week.
I sang to myself (more than once): "I'm sexy and I know it..."
And periodically I have a Lady A song running through my head: "No I don't want to mess this thing up, I don't want to push too far, Just a shot in the dark that you just might, Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life..."

I don't know what the future holds, but what I've experienced the past few weeks has been beautiful. To top it off with the "balance" of seeing what I left behind while moving forward, there is not a doubt in my mind that I made the right decision and that I do not have to settle. There are good men out there. I am a good "catch." When God places everything right where it belongs, look out world! It will be a truly AWESOME thing!

I leave you with a couple of songs tonight.

What was:

"Funny how the heart can be deceiving, More than just a couple times, Why do we fall in love so easy, Even when it's not right..."

And, what is:

"Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do

Walked in expecting you'd be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don't know how nice that is
But I do"

Taking time

Tonight, I have a scheduled call with S. She, My Chico, and I are starting a book/Bible study. While we're setting up and starting our reading, S and I are going to spend a couple of phone calls in prayer, particularly for My Chico who has some important exams just around the corner.

Having finished reading The Five Love Languages, I was ready to read again. In addition to feeling more filled by writing more, I have found that I do, in fact, enjoy reading again. I go in spurts.

So, we are getting ready to start Beautiful Things Happen When A Woman Trusts God. Sheila  Walsh wrote it. She is by far one of my favorite authors and I am anxious to get going. I think the two weeks of prayer and devotional time will set a good tone.

As we sort through various things, we all reach a point where we absolutely must trust God. S and I have both struggled at times with this because we've both experienced times where when it is most important that we trust him, it is hardest for us. I look forward to seeing how this goes and sharing some of the results I see in my life from setting aside time for God and the two best longtime friends a girl could have. I am blessed.

Exploring Chapman's 5 Love Languages

S suggested I read "The Five Love Languages." So, I considered it. Two days later, I came across something else about reading it. At that point, I decided that I needed to find a copy and get to reading. I read four chapters the first day I had the book, but slowed some and spent the next two weeks reading through it. I also took the quiz on the website. I didn't think the quiz in the book itself was best suited for me, so I appreciated having the website to visit and explore.

At first I wonderd if I picked up the right book...for me. It definitely is geared toward married couples, and I am no longer part of a married couple, nor any couple for that matter. I am single. I am divorced, in fact. Some of the things in the book were difficult to read. At times, I felt as though I needed to explain why I ended up where I did. But, I realized that I do not need to explain anything to anyone. It was just me and the book. I was not fighting for my marriage. I had spent years fighting for a marriage that I've come to realize never had the elements described in this book. However, I can learn my love language and I can explore the love languages of my children. I can also use this as time moves on, especially in the event God blesses me with companionship.

For now, though, it was just something I needed to read. And read I did.

I now know my primary love language and it does not surprise me in the least. Quality time.

Whether you read the book or not, you can take an assessment on the website and discover your primary love language here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

Quality time is followed by words of affirmation and personal touch. None of this surprises me. I am not "bilingual," but I do recognize the importance of all three in my life. I explored these. I enjoyed reading about them and gaining more understanding. I also discovered as I read through the pages of the book that I have no idea what my former husband's love language may be. Here are some things I considered:

After I left, he complained that my lack of time at home contributed to the crumbling of our marriage. My spending more time away from home increased as our marriage struggled, but most of the time I spent away from home was spent working. I worked outside jobs to support the family and the business we had together. I was the only one going out and doing things for our business. I felt that was what needed to be done as I did not have a whole partner in any of it. I enjoyed going and doing things and he did not. If quality time was his primary love language, why would he not do more with me? Opportunity was there. He did not take it. So, I don't think that's it. I spent more and more time doing things on my own and with the children because he chose to not participate. Period. He found different excuses to not do this, that, or the other thing. So be it. There is still life to be lived. I went and lived it and when I discovered I was being held back emotionally and mentally, I did what needed to be done. At the end, I discovered that the twitch in my face was always worse at home. Guess where I didn't want to be? (That twitch drove me crazy for the last two months I was in the home.)

Come Christmas, his birthday, Father's Day, or any random holiday for that matter, he would always start talking about gifts. He had lists. He knew what he wanted and he told people what to buy for him. He did not seem to appreciate every gift he was given, but he loved to receive things that he had asked for. This, to me, rules out gifts as a love language. According to Dr. Chapman, someone whose love language is gifts appreciates every single thing they are given. This includes homemade gifts, the gift of time, the gift of conversation, hugs, support, etc. Those sorts of things were rarely appreciated. If they were appreciated, I sure did not get a sense that they were. Father's Day approached just before I left. I had started projects with the kids. Money was not something we had. But we could make time and we had creativity. In that crazy June, my ex told me what he wanted us to buy him for Father's Day. This was not uncommon. We would go shopping at a thrift store for clothes and he would wander off to find something else to spend money on...for himself. He was always on the quest for some purchase. Not gifts, but purchases. If spending money was a love language, this might fit. However, gifts does not.

Words of Affirmation was one I seriously considered. And then, I ruled it out as well. You see, I was accused of not supporting him enough. I was accused of not having enough faith in him. I was accused of being selfish. I regularly did everything I could to try to encourage him, rather that discourage him. I attempted to say things positively rather than in a nagging manner. I did not want to nag him. I walked on egg shells for years, afraid to say things. I never knew how he would react. When he wanted to explore his art as a means of making money and he had recently accused me of not believing in him, I started an art show so he could showcase and sell his art. I helped him buy the supplies he needed for painting. I gave him time and space to paint. I gave him words of encouragement. Truly, I believe I implemented all five of the love languages in an effort to show my love and support for him and his dreams. Over time, I put more and more effort into the art shows and he put less and less effort into the art. Again, he had all kinds of excuses. One painting remained unfinished for FOUR YEARS! He never completed a mural project that he had been contracted for with a local business, a contract I helped him get and start. There comes a time when one realizes that words are either falling on deaf ears or they are just not the right words. Already choosing my words very carefully, I had no idea what to do. Yet, I continued to approach him with love and care and support. It just didn't seem to work.

I spent the entirety of our marriage devoting time to acts of service. I did the yard work, I washed dishes (or they didn't get washed), I did all laundry except his (which I was not allowed to do since I didn't do laundry "the right way"), I cleaned (or things didn't get clean), I poured my heart and soul into doing anything and everything I could for our babies (even rinsing stacks of cloth diapers after returning home from work because they had not been rinsed all day). I worked inside and outside the home. I busted my ass. And this is as it always was. I worked damn hard to keep our family going. When he was down with some health issues, I took on all of the dinner cooking as well. Before that I had started working with meal planning so that our weeks would run more smoothly. I'm not sure what more I could have done in the way of acts of service. And knowing this, I almost had to laugh even considering this as a possible love language for him. I am surprised that it did not rank higher for me. I would have loved to have come home to a clean house, a mowed lawn, or clean laundry. It just didn't happen. I don't mind doing these things. In fact, to some degree I enjoy them. I actually love cooking again! For a long time, I did not. But, no....this was definitely not his love language, primary or otherwise.

Dr, Chapman suggests to look at what your spouse complains about most for clues to primary love language. When my ex complained loudly, I have to say it was mostly about sex. Or lack thereof. Yet, there were really strict conditions set. And, I hesitate to think personal touch is a love language for him because as Dr. Chapman describes, it can't just be about sex. He rarely, if ever, held my hand. He often chose to sit on the other side of the room from me. We almost never sat close at meals. I felt I had to ask for hugs. He was not particularly available physically unless "the mood" struck him in the middle of the night. And then it was just expected that I would be ready to go as well, regardless of how long I'd been asleep or what time I needed to get up in the morning. And, when I wasn't ready or willing then there would be an emotional toll to pay. I would get treated very poorly. He would shut down. These are the things that led me to feel coerced more than once. I even experienced him threatening his own life when he didn't feel that I had given him enough physical attention, most especially in the sexual sense. This is not ok. And this is not love.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Isn't that what we learn from the Bible, the Word of God?
Where was patience and kindness? Where was love?

Earlier this year, I came to the realization that I never actually knew the feeling of being in love. I hadn't experienced love. As I read through this book, it solidified that for me. I have not known romatic love. I never experienced even the beginning stages, the euphoria of the "in love" feeling that Dr. Chapman describes. I knew manipulation. I knew what I thought was love. It was not.

It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to love someone who does not love himself.

My hope for the future is that I will one day be able to explore what love really is. True, real, romantic love. I don't completely believe that it exists, yet. I know something like it is out there. My parents have real love. My grandparents had it and it still exists even though my Nana died two-and-a-half years ago. I can see the love my granddad still has for her. It's there. It's real. Some of my friends have it. There is love. Not fairy tale love. Not country music video love. But real love. Where people can discover and explore each other's love languages. Where things aren't picture perfect, but where love remains. There is love.

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;  bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
...
And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." (NKJV)