"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first."
That quote can mean different things to different people. I read it acknowledging, of course, my history of having been in a 13-year marriage that nearly destroyed me. I took on a role. Actually, I took on many roles. I traded in my sense for an act. My ability to feel was completely lost to the point that I was numb, as I described in another recent blog post. And the mask....oh yes, the mask. I wore a mask. Sometimes I wore it better than others. Most certainly, however, I wore it.
When I was in high school, for a voice and diction class, we had to select two poems from "Black Voices" and essentially perform them. One of the poems I selected was Paul Laurence Dunbar's "We Wear The Mask." Obviously, it was written at a different time, for a different reason, for different people. [Dunbar died in 1906 at the age of 33.] There is something about this poem. I have never forgotten it, though I stumbled over pieces of it now and then when reciting it in my head. Still, I've never forgotten it and it has come to mind quite a bit over the past couple of years. As soon as I read that James Douglas Morrison quote this morning, I immediately went back to Dunbar's poem, began reciting it to myself, reflected some on what it means to me now, and came on to blog.
WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.
We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
Does it mean anything in particular to you? If so, stop and think for a moment. Reflect. Think of it historically. Think of it personally. Think of it in the world today. But, please, stop and take a moment to reflect on it and what it means to you as you read it. Then, read it again.
All of this seemed perfectly fitting following my blog post here about putting on a smile and being the face of our business, and our family really, while feeling shattered inside.
Now, when I smile, I usually mean it. When I rejoice, I celebrate inside and out. When I cry, I cry because I can and for whatever reason, I need to cry. I yell when I need to yell. (which is not often) I live life, and as I wrote previously, I am coming alive. I need to do more of that. I need to fully experience this. And, so do you. We all do. Life should be lived and we should be as fully and completely alive as we possibly can. If you aren't feeling alive right now, find something that brings you to that place where you feel more alive. And soak it up. Then share it with the world however you feel you can.
About two year ago, when I first heard the song "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real, I burst into tears almost immediately. It captured so much of how I was feeling at the time. But, what it also did was it made me realize that it is from the husband's perspective and I wondered if my husband (at the time) grasped it. CD even asked the ex to listen to it at one point. The ex sat emotionless, as far as I could tell. I still wonder what, if anything, went through his head and I was completely shocked that anyone could listen to that song and not be moved at all...especially sitting in the room with his wife and children who had obviously felt something from the song. Now, I know better. And this is one other reason I have to support my belief that I have never experienced true romantic love. If I were, for whatever reason, to experience a difficult time in marriage, this is what I would want my husband to be thinking.
I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames, I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling, but on the inside
Oh, I can hear her saying
Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone
So, for me, hearing this song wasn't just about what I was feeling and experiencing at the time. It was also about what I was NOT experiencing at the time.
It is refreshing to know that my past is the past and I am able to move on, move up, and so forth. I continue to process some of these things because it helps me define more clearly what I want and don't want. Seeing where and how I wore a mask, or masks, will help me avoid that in the future. S and I were talking recently about something along this line. We cannot allow our past to define who we are HOWEVER, it is a part of us and acknowledging what we can from our pasts will help us live more fully as we continue to progress into the future. Our past is a part of us, that goes without saying. Making the choice to not allow it to define us and to define our future is huge, though.
I send seemingly random texts to friends and The Guardian not because I need reassurance, but because I like to do those sorts of things. They are a part of me. I sometimes think I shouldn't, but then I realize that if I don't do something because I'm afraid of what the person on the other may think, then I am not being myself. I need to be myself. My true friends will understand that. And, they do. That's not to say I don't need a little reassuring every now and then. The healing process continues and, honestly, I like being thought of every now and then. It makes me feel good. As it should. So, if you're thinking about someone...let them know. You never know when you just might make someone's day. Go for it! What do you have to lose? Or, smile at someone new. Spread some joy in this crazy world. We can all make a difference just by being ourselves. How awesome is that?!
Feeling free to be yourself is HUGE! How free do you feel today?
And, if you're having kind of a rough day, Francesca Battistelli has a song to put that in perspective too.
And, while I'm on a kick of her music this morning, here's another favorite:
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