S and I find ourselves encountering one lesson after another in trusting God. We do. We continue to and will continue to trust. However, these lessons in trusting God have become increasingly difficult. We talk a couple of times a week about the difficulty we have with some of these lessons in trust. Thankfully, we have each other to bounce things off of and we help each other through these times. How blessed we are to have each other! And, we are finding that we are growing increasingly excited about reading the Sheila Walsh book we selected. I am certain My Chico will appreciate this read as well and I know she is experiencing trust lessons herself. We are three 35-year-old women on this journey of trust. That may be a blog in and of itself.
I do not want to spend the rest of my life comparing dates (or potential significant others) to my ex. They deserve better than that. For the most part, I've been pretty good about it. This week, however, balance came in an interesting form. A month ago, I met The Guardian. He is younger than I am, but I took a chance. He was worth it. After being hit on my someone close in age to my dad, I sought to wash that away. At least, that's part of it. That same week, I came to the realization that I needed to be less concerned about age and more concerned about what I want and need from any man who I allow to come into my life. Age is just a number (though, the almost 60-year-old guy creeped me out significantly). I know from experience that there are 30-40 year olds who have never grown up. If being a man, showing respect, and knowing how to treat a woman was directly related to age, I certainly saw no indication of it.
So, when The Guardian asked me to join him one evening, I accepted. We met at a local pub. He opened the door for me. He pulled out my chair for me. My heart melted. I felt safe right away. I felt comfortable. I did not have any insane first date jitters. A few butterflies were along for the "ride" but it wasn't a terrible case of nerves as I had experienced previously on dates. I just let the evening happen and I felt completely comfortable being myself. Now, a month later, The Guardian and I have seen each other a few times. I lke this guy. I really like him. I absolutely, completely love the way I feel when I am around him and I am thrilled that I have been nothing but myself with him. The best part of all is that I have not been completely neurotic. I am an ENFP whose love language is "quality time." There have been moments where I have struggled. I won't lie about that. This is an area where some of my trust lessons are coming in to play. I am proud of myself and I like what I am seeing in myself. I have no idea where this is all going. I sometimes wish I did. And, sometimes, I really like not knowing. I am learning to live in each moment. That's a good place to be right now. Learning to trust God more fully while learning to appreciate each moment God blesses me with are two incredible things.
I am in an itneresting place right now. As I continue to seek balance, I find that even when I think I know what I am going to write here, my thoughts have a way of coming together that even surprise me. I don't necessarily write what I sit down to write, but rather, I write exactly what I need to write when I need to write it. For that, I am thankful. I finally feel as though I am in a position to really move up. I moved out almost 18 months ago. I've worked hard on moving on and I spend each day continuing to work on moving on as it is the healthiest thing for me. But now, I am starting to reach the moving up stage. That became evident this week. One day last week, I had an outstanding day. I gave a new outfit a try. My students said I looked like a "rock star!" It thrilled me. S complimented the outfit. The Guardian had some very nice, positive things to say about it. I felt so incredibly good. I was upbeat, I was confident. I loved how I felt. Then, at the exchange, the first thing out of the mouth of that ex of mine was something mean-spirited. I suppose if we were friends, it could have been intended as a joke. But, we are not friends. And, even if we were, it wasn't funny. And in that moment, I was flooded by what was. It was not uncommon for me to have good days shattered by something he would say or do. It was as though he could not stand for me to be genuinely happy. It would seem he likes it even less now. His attempt to burst my bubble did not succeed, but I did have to explore the emotions it brought up in me. This is my life. Because of my children, I am forever connected to this person. (I don't dare call him a man.) This forever connection is for the children and I will do everything I possibly can to co-parent and do what needs to be done to ensure my children's happiness and well-being. I will not tolerate being treated like crap. I left that. I don't need it. I don't want it. It is done. And he can no longer control my happiness. Only I can control my happiness. So, I choose to surround myself with good-hearted, positive people. I felt good about myself regardless of what anyone else thought. But, I had 26 second graders, my best friend, and The Guardian who all had awesome things to say. Those are the comments I want to bank. They help me keep a positive "balance." Ex can take his nastiness and shove it. I am me. I love me. I have amazing people surrounding me and loving me and treating me right. That's what is important and that is what I need to hold onto now and always.
Two songs have run through my head this week.
I sang to myself (more than once): "I'm sexy and I know it..."
And periodically I have a Lady A song running through my head: "No I don't want to mess this thing up, I don't want to push too far, Just a shot in the dark that you just might, Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life..."
I don't know what the future holds, but what I've experienced the past few weeks has been beautiful. To top it off with the "balance" of seeing what I left behind while moving forward, there is not a doubt in my mind that I made the right decision and that I do not have to settle. There are good men out there. I am a good "catch." When God places everything right where it belongs, look out world! It will be a truly AWESOME thing!
I leave you with a couple of songs tonight.
What was:
"Funny how the heart can be deceiving, More than just a couple times, Why do we fall in love so easy, Even when it's not right..."
And, what is:
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do
Walked in expecting you'd be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don't know how nice that is
But I do"
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