A poetry venture

Once upon a time, I was a published poet. It predates my newspaper years. I have taken a very long break from it, and there was something brewing in my thoughts...this is how it came together. It may need some work, but at least I got it written.

There will be no kiss at midnight
as the clock strikes at twelve.
Nothing can match the joys
that this year I have felt.
There will be no kiss at midnight
as this year comes to an end.
I say goodbye, adieu, farewell
as wishes for the year ahead, I send.
There will be no kiss at midnight
and with that I am okay.
Tomorrow brings a new year
and I celebrate that, and a brand new day.
There will be no kiss at midnight
yet life remains amazing and true.
I dream big dreams and have high hopes
for me and also for you.

Be. Live. Believe. Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015!

This was an interesting year. I know many people are happy to see 2014 left in the dust, and many with good reason. There are things that turned out differently than I had hoped, differently than I would have liked. There are things that I out-right hated and there were things that caused me great struggle. And then...there were the amazing things.

An example of things going differently than I had planned:
I was excitedly planning my trip to visit my granddad in October. As I posted, as it turned out, he knew that I wouldn't be making that trip to see him. I still made the trip, but it was for different reasons. I still ache from this loss, but I celebrate the fact that I had so many extra years with him. My granddad was a blessing in my life and the fact that my kids got to know at least one great grandparent is far more than I ever had. I miss him every day. I wonder how to work through things where I know he would have great advice. But, I give thanks for the time we had and I remember him fondly. It just went differently than I had planned. And, that's ok. It has to be ok.

I spent less time writing than I would have liked and that is something that will change in the year to come. I will seek out more things to review. I will review more experiences that I know I can write about and I will post more on both blogs. But I will also set aside time for writing and working on my book projects. I am committed to seeing them through and it will happen. I will make it happen. I shifted my focus in 2014 to expanding my tech background for teaching. This path started in December 2013 when my then-principal sent me to a workshop that opened doors for me and got me thinking differently. It actually all got me back on track, in fact. In 2002, I considered eventually getting my Master's in Education Technology. In 2014, I became Google Educator Qualified and I am watching for a Google Teacher Academy that works for me so I can become Google Certified. In the meantime, I have started my BTSA program (necessary for my teaching) and once completed, I will find the EdTech program that works best for me. Meanwhile, I am attending conferences, going on adventures, and exploring ways of expanding myself as a teacher...as an educator. It's fantastic. Having two very time consuming career goals means I have to work a little harder at time management. Having two young children means that I need to be especially diligent in my time management. I am thankful for the opportunities I have had and continue to find that make things possible. I am thankful for the loving and supportive people in my life who help me as I aspire to reach these goals.

This is the first time that I have decided to skip my list of items for the year ahead and keep it all simple. In 2015, I will: Be. Live. Believe.

I will BE who I am.
I will LIVE life fully.
I will BELIEVE I can do the things I desire.

Anyone who wants to join me on this journey is welcome to be a part of it. I hope to make new friends along the way. I also hope to maintain the strongest of friendships I have, near and far. I hope to meet new people. I hope to do new things.

Come along with me....

it's an adventure.

It's life. If you want to be a part of mine, the door is open. The journey is ours. I will happily share in your journey as you share in mine.

Goodbye 2014. Hello 2015! Bring it on! It's going to be great! There will be struggles. There will be tears. But, all of the good is so worth the ride.

Be.
Live.
Believe.
2015.

A new chapter begins

Since my last post, our family has been in a period of transition.

I traveled to SoCal and spent time sitting in my granddad's den, looking through pictures, reading things he had written, going through books, and thinking. I spent a lot of time thinking. And crying.

Then, I went numb. I felt very little emotion. I immersed myself in work and spent free time preparing things for the memorial. My tears had completely subsided.

Just a couple of days before we left to travel for the memorial, we learned that my dad was losing his driving privileges. We knew the time was coming. We had already started making adjustments. We already knew that I would do the driving for our upcoming trip, but now it was a necessity. Now, it was a reality that we were facing together. Into the future, we headed... full on.

The memorial brought together family near and far. For some, it had been over 20 years since I last saw them. We shared stories. We remembered granddad. We honored granddad. We again took another step into the future.

As Christmas neared, preparation was in full effect. We had much to do and little time to do it. I spent my weekends taking my parents places they needed to go. We had little time for baking. CD and Miss Hollywood each had recital weekends. We had busy schedules and one driver. One day, I had to enlist help from others because of my work schedule. It took five people to cover everything because of my having to work late. But, they did it. They found ways to make things work. WE found ways to make it all work.

We have fully entered and started "writing" the next chapter. We enter a world without granddad. We all miss him terribly and we are all navigating through things in our own ways. The important thing is that we do it together however and whenever possible. Granddad would want that. As I sit here writing this, it still seems surreal that he's not sitting across the room from me. At the same time, we are fully engaged in a time when I need to remember to ask for help when I need it. It has always been difficult for me to do and sometimes I fear leaning on people too heavily. Setting aside pride and asking for help is a must. More importantly, I must set all fear aside. I must step confidently into and through this chapter in life. With my parents and my children heavily reliant on me, I find myself adjusting priorities some. Social things take a backseat to a great degree. Though, I do still try to find time for myself. I am thankful for the friends who are accommodating and helpful in this. My Chico has been incredibly important to me and valued deeply. I hope I am able to let her know. My conversations with S have been fewer and farther between, but we do what we can and pick up where we leave off and we help each other through the good, the bad, and the ugly...everything life has to offer. An awesome experience I am looking forward to is attending a conference with her in March! In fact, it overlaps my birthday, so I'm sure we'll make it something even more special.

I see great things ahead. And this week, someone shared with me an article that helped me keep my head screwed on straight through it.

A first point I especially liked was "you are inherently sexy." I like that. I like the point behind it. But, I would take it to another level. YOU ARE INHERENTLY BEAUTIFUL. Everyone has beauty in some way. I believe strongly in my beauty. I have bad days. Everyone does. I struggle to see my outer beauty at times, but my inner beauty gets me through. And when I spend time focusing on my inner beauty, I see my outer beauty more. Still, it's good to remember that I'm sexy, too, and that there is someone, somewhere who sees it (or will see it) too. Remembering that perks up the ego a bit. Let's face it, even people who practice regular positive talk have a moment of struggle every now and then. And then, it gets better. Positive self-talk is a must! Accepting those moments of struggle and moving on from them is key to maintaining a positive attitude. If you stumble, pick yourself up and move on. That is what I am doing this month. picking myself up and moving forward into this new chapter.

The other two points that stood out to me in that HuffPost article can really be summed up in one of my favorite quotes.attributed to Julian of Norwich:
"And all will be well."

As this new chapter begins: there are some unknowns, there are some concerns, there will be tears, there will be frustration...and there will be joy, laughter, smiles, love, hugs, dancing, running, writing, and greatness. Greatness is ahead. So, let's roll....all will be well.

Stay tuned for my annual new year post, too.

Merry Christmas. Peace and love be yours today and always.

Letters to Granddad

It was the morning of Sunday, September 21, 2014. I had just dropped CD off with his dad and Miss Hollywood was going to church with her grandparents. I was in the car, making the drive that I make most weekday mornings. But this was Sunday. I was driving to work to attend mass. I do enjoy attending mass with my colleagues. I always get something special out of attending mass at the church attached to the school where I work. I had been having allergy issues. I felt a slight tightness in my chest. I stretched a bit and it went away. Then, my thoughts turned to granddad. I needed to write to him. I was now less than two weeks from my arrival at his house. I had planned this weekend in July. I looked forward to it. I was excited. I needed to write and tell him some of my thoughts for the weekend. I knew we needed to celebrate his birthday. I also wanted to be sure I took him to his coffee klatch. I began constructing an email letter in my head knowing that my uncle would print it for him the next day if not that day so he would read it soon. Of course, when I arrived home a few hours later, instead of sitting at my computer to write that email, I was shocked into reality and began processing the death of my beloved granddad. First, the letter I would have written.

Dear granddad,
My trip is about two weeks away. I'm really looking forward to coming to see you. I think we'll have another great weekend together. I have taken care of all the arrangements. I think you would be proud of me as I booked my airfare and car rental for less than I normally pay for a plane ticket. I know you didn't like my decision to rent a car in February, but this really will work well, I think. My plane arrives around 1 p.m. I should be at your house by 2:30 or 3. I have tried to see if any high school friends are available during the weekend, but my primary reason for the visit, of course, is to see you. Since I'm able to stay until Monday, would you prefer we celebrate your birthday Saturday evening or Sunday? I thought maybe we could do a barbecue. We can cook breakfast together Sunday morning, of course. It will be so fun to be in the kitchen with you again. Monday morning, though, I want to take you to Rick's. I hope it's ok for me to tag along with the "boys." My flight leaves at 3:30 on Monday. I will need to leave by about noon, I imagine. That may change if someone can meet me in the late morning, but I suspect that will be the time I leave. Is there anything you need to do? We can run errands once I arrive Saturday and we'll have some time Sunday.
Love,
Bekah Sue

The letter for now:
Dear granddad,
I am boarding a plane on Saturday to come see you. The thing is, you're not there. Things are working out just as they need, but I am having a really hard time with this. I was sure you would be there, but you knew different.Things are going well at work. But even better than that, I passed the last of my Google Educator exams and now have a certificate hanging on the wall of my classroom. I am a Google Educator. That basically means that I have some specialty tech knowledge. This is super exciting for me. I have some more things I hope to accomplish in the coming years, but that's the first big step. I'll keep my eye on Google Teacher Academy opportunities and apply again. Maybe this time I'll get it. This is the one that once I complete it, I'll be Google Certified. That sounds like an awesome achievement to me. This is all in line with what I want to do and where I want to go. I told myself that I wanted you to see me graduate. You did. Then I wanted you to see me finish my credential. You did. Then I wanted you to see what I could do as a teacher. You did. You were right. I was born to be a teacher. I am so thankful that now you and nana are reunited. I have to believe that you are. We all miss you so much. I think (CD) watched every Giants game last week in part to remember your baseball letters that he loved so much. Did you know that the Giants won the Wild Card tonight? They are headed to the playoffs! It would be fun to see the Giants face your Dodgers. Derek Jeter played his final game. He's now retired. I imagine that would make nana happy. I hope I made you proud. I hope you will know the things I continue to do. I am where I am and doing what I do in large part because of you. You inspired me. You encouraged me. You supported me though so much. Thank you. I appreciate you. I appreciate all you did for me. I will always be your Bekah Sue. I love you and I miss you. I will work hard to continue to make you proud.
Love,
Bekah Sue

Over recent years, granddad had been sending items back to us. I received back letters I had written, pictures, and various memories from throughout my life. The last thing I received back from him was a letter I wrote to him just a couple of months before my life changed significantly. It was an interesting, and difficult, step back in life. He had included in it a family picture that was strategically cut to show me, CD, and Miss Hollywood as a family. I admittedly giggled a little. I put it all away. It might be difficult for the kids to see. But for me, it was an interesting thing to receive. CD always received baseball letters, especially after the Dodgers and Giants played. This September, Connor would not receive such a note. The first time we put on a game after granddad died, CD seemed to have a difficult time. I think he knows. He remembers. He's been watching more baseball than ever. And the Giants are winning which make it event more special. It could just be because we just went to a game and he was excited as we prepared to go. Or, it could be a connection he feels to granddad. Whatever it is, it's CD's journey. And he is making it. I will often think of letters to write to granddad. This will stay with me forever, I am certain.

On a side note....
Last weekend, the Rock at Whittier College was painted in honor of my granddad. Uncle Bubba made the arrangements. It was so fitting that it was Palmers who painted it.

Thank you, granddad for all you were, all you did, and all you helped me become.

Processing...

When I was about four or five-years-old, my granddad had his first heart surgery. Through the years, my mom has often talked about how she was afraid he was going to die at that time. My Nana even purchased a book, "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf," for my brother and me.

When we lived in Virginia, I exchanged voice recordings on cassette tapes with my Nana and Granddad. It was something we did to keep in contact. It worked. I remember it fondly and I have found myself through the years wondering if any of the tapes are around anywhere.

When we first moved to Virgina, my Nana and Granddad accompanied my mom and me in our cross-country journey.

Even from 3,000 miles away, I had a very close relationship with my grandparents.

When we moved back to California, my mom, brother, and I lived with them for a few months. I lived under their roof when I started first grade at Lydia Jackson in Whittier. We eventually joined dad in the Bay Area where I spent the majority of my first grade year, but by second grade we had moved to Southern California. We lived about 30 minutes from them. Then in eighth grade we moved again and we then lived just two houses up the street from Nana and Granddad. My parents next move took them to the Central Valley, but it was the middle of my senior year, so I moved in with Nana and Granddad. Their house is a piece of my home.


"Home is where the heart is."

A huge part of my heart always remained in that house.

Memories of a teenager...
When I attended the LA County High School for the Arts, I had to commute to school. Some days, we would have rehearsals for our theatre productions that went well into the evening and I would get home very, very late. I was driving at the time. I drove a 1965 VW Bug. As you can imagine, the whole neighborhood knew when I arrived home. The only one who made it obvious that he knew I was arriving home late was my granddad. I remember distinctly the night that he walked out of his house and up the street to ours to actually see that I had arrived home. Of course, he knew I had because he heard my car which prompted the walk up the street at 11 p.m.

My senior year was a bit tumultuous. A year earlier, my mom had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. As my senior year started, I made a difficult decision to leave the arts high school and return to my regular high school in Whittier. Mom's teaching career was coming to an end. Dad was taking a job in a new place. I was needed at home. So, that's what I did. I made sure I could be closer to home. Thankfully, I still had a few friends at Whittier High. Just before Thanksgiving that year, my (paternal) grandma went into the hospital. She went home soon after. Then...just before Christmas, granddad had a heart attack while doing a treadmill test for his cardiologist. They immediately admitted him into Loma Linda and scheduled surgery. I called my dad. "You need to come home." Dad came. The day before Christmas (Eve) 1994, I had the task...the honor... the privilege...of driving my granddad home from the hospital. He was home in time for Christmas and I got to help bring him home. It was awesome.

In early 1995, my (paternal) grandma died. In June, I graduated from high school and immediately moved to the Central Valley, joining my parents.

Throughout adulthood, my granddad has been a champion for me. He has helped me SO much! He has loved me and supported me always. When I was 14, he told me I would be a teacher. I disagreed, saying I would be an entertainment lawyer.

Turns out...
he was right.

He was right about something more recent than that, though. And, this is the one that hurts.

In July, we were at the Ranch and I talked about wanting to come see him in the fall. I told him I would be coming to see him one of two weekends. He told me that he wouldn't be there. He seemed certain that he would die before I made the trip. I told him that the only choice he had was which of the two weekends I would be coming.


Turns out...
he was right.

Tonight, I look back on a very surreal day...a day that brought me so many tears that my head hurt terribly off and on all day and well into the evening...a day that had my mom worrying about me when I should have been taking care of her...a day of sorrow...but in that sorrow, I can look back on amazing joy! My granddad blessed my life and each day of the last 33 years, since that first heart surgery, has been a gift. Thank you granddad. I have to believe that you are reunited with your love, my Nana.

I am far from a singer, but I picked out this song, altered some of the words, and sang it for my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary in 1997. Their love is an example of amazing, eternal love.

A freeing trip for myself and plans for the future

Before this weekend, I had previously made two trips to Lake Tahoe as an adult. The first one was in December 1997. I was newly engaged and as a couple, we traveled to Lake Tahoe where we spent some time with my would-be in-laws at their timeshare. It feels like a lifetime ago. In some regards, I would be inclined to say it was a lifetime ago. We drove around the lake. we ate a steak place that had really good steak. There was snow. I was caught up in the excitement of planning for a wedding that would take place just a few months later. I took it all in through rose-colored glasses filled with hope and dreams with people who knew the area. Our non-professional engagement photo was taken there and we printed it in the photo lab at MJC as we were running The Pirates' Log at the time.

My second trip to Lake Tahoe came eight years later. In October 2005, my cousin committed suicide. He was living in the Lake Tahoe area, at Fallen Leaf Lake. He was part of the fire department there. I rode to the memorial with my parents and grandparents. Following the memorial, they went on their way to continue their trip. I stayed in a rented cabin with aunts and cousins. I saw very little and we were very focused on sharing about my cousin and catching up with each other on our lives. It was a sad, but beautiful time. Much of it is a fog to me, honestly. I still get very emotional when I think about my cousin and the choice he made that day, that month, that year, that place.

The opportunity to attend a conference this summer excited me. The fact that it was taking place in Lake Tahoe thrilled me. It was close enough to drive. I could do a quick up-and-back trip. I am jazzed about the things I am doing to move forward with my own educational goals as I continue to bring back better and better things to my students. Being around like-minded educators especially interested me. So, I signed up and booked the trip. I anxiously awaited the time to make the trip. I planned to leave early so I could have a leisurely trip up and spend a little time in the area before heading to the first part of the conference. The day arrived to make the trip. I had experienced a wide range of emotions the previous couple of days for completely unrelated reasons. As an empath, there are those times when I take on a lot of emotion and I was doing that as well as experiencing my own. I was overwhelmed, to some degree. But still excited and ready to go. I packed up. The planned departure time came and went. Finally somewhere between 11 and 11:30 a.m. I realized that I had some sort of mental block. I was feeling anxious (in the anxiety sense). I kept coming up with things to get done before leaving. It was silly. I needed to go. I WANTED to go. So, here's what I assessed about myself:
I was subconsciously thinking about those two previous trips.
It was the date that once was my wedding anniversary.

After identifying those things, I made myself load up the car and go.

This was going to be an entirely different trip. This trip was for me. Period. Off I went.

I drove my leisurely trip as I planned. I enjoyed the time to myself. I took in the beauty of the mountains. Upon arriving in Lake Tahoe, I checked into my motel and freshened up for the conference. Since I arrived later in the day, I changed some things around. I planned a walk for Saturday morning. I planned to spend some time out in the evening. More than once, I considered visiting the Fallen Leaf area. I set it aside for this trip. I needed to be selfish. I needed to focus on what I needed out of this trip. I needed to do things that allowed me to be happy, to feel free, to breathe in some fresh air. I needed a me trip to Lake Tahoe. So, I gave myself that.

I greatly enjoyed the evening session at the conference. Afterwards, I joined a few others for dinner at The Brewery. We had a really nice time. We learned more about each other and shared ideas. I returned to my motel. Saturday morning came and I set out on my adventure. I walked near the lake. I took some pictures. I smiled. I watched people run into the lake. And then I headed over for the full day of the conference. It was freeing. It was fun. It was educational. It was just what I needed heading into the start of the school year. I have fresh new ideas. I have enthusiasm for new areas. I have great ideas to take into my classroom. And I feel more at peace.




The interesting thing here is that I spent a lot of time thinking about my parents and my kids. I scoped out some things that I think will make for a great family trip. I also thought about S and My Chico and how we could make a great girls' weekend there. At one point I had the thought, "This is my 'Long Beach.'" That is to say, that I think at some point in my life I will need to live there at least for a short time. If I have the opportunity to move to the mountains, I think the Lake Tahoe area is where I would go. Regardless of that, though, I have some ideas for other trips and I am determined to take them. I will go visit the area where we bid farewell to my cousin on my next trip. I may find that steak house and enjoy a nice dinner. I will also share my own finds and maybe make some more new discoveries, too. This was my Tahoe trip, my way and I look forward to others. And, when all was said and done, I came home a ROCKSTAR!

Journal from Lassen: Appreciating Moments

Written the morning of Thursday, July 3

I stepped outside with a journal and pen. I wanted to sit in the crisp morning air, and write. CD and Miss Hollywood slept as I dressed and opened the door. I set my writing things down and walked a few extra feet, turning to look east as the sun started to peak over the mountain. I soaked it in for a moment, then returned to the motel room, passing my journal and going straight to the kids. "They have to see this," I thought.

Let me take you for a moment back to last night. We struggled a bit through dinner. I had offered a reward -- an incentive -- for them to stay seated at the table with me. Even with the reward, they were just to excited about so many things around them. I grew frustrated with it all and finally just paid our bill and we left! They had eaten. I still had a portion of my dinner that remained on my plate. This is where I can manage things better. I need to monitor my reactions. They certainly lost their reward, of course, but I nearly reached a point of tears.



Earlier in the day, we hiked a three mile plus hike in Lassen Volcanic National Park. (We did almost six miles total that day.) I encouraged them to keep going. Near the end I knew Miss Hollywood was tired but she still made it! She was our hiking leader on the way in and she hiked her way out quite well. What I found I needed to do was be extra positive in my encouraging her on the way out. At one point, she asked why I was being mean to her and CD. I sought a second opinion. CD disagreed with her and acknowledged I was working to help them on the hike out. At that point though, we took more breaks and I worked to say the same things differently. CD was so awesome in how he encouraged Miss Hollywood and this time, he was the leader. We worked together, we took our time, and we made it! We even got down to the visitor's center in time for a refreshment and to pick up a couple of items from the non-profit store.

See, I know things work out. They work out best when we work as a team and encourage each other -- especially when my tone is clearly positive. They learn from me. I need to teach them well.

So, as the sun peaked at me through the tree, as it rose above the mountain, the choice was clear. It was time to share this moment with the kids. I got them in their flip-flops and sweatshirt jackets after saying, "hey guys! Do you want to see the sunrise?!" They did! They came, they saw, they admired, and then, they went right back to bed. CD fell back asleep and a few minutes later, miss Hollywood came out and sat on my lap as i wrote. I shattered the silence I told so precious and I am so thankful I did.

Here's one for you:
Two geologists, a doctor, and a Methodist minister walk into a bar---
--ok, so it was a restaurant
--and, the Methodist minister was a former teacher turned paleontologist turned Methodist minister
--and the punchline is that they helped me appreciate some truly crazy moments with these two amazing kids after we returned to the motel area. Five miles hiked, a ton of excitement, and they still needed some run-around time on the way to bed.

Added:
The Lassen trip was the start of our July adventures! Check back soon for more!

Keeping it real...practicing loving myself

This post started forming in my head last night. I toyed with the idea of sitting down to write it then, but I allowed myself to recognize my fatigue and, knowing that I had a lot of driving to do today, I put myself to bed. This will likely look a little different than my typical post. Or, maybe it won't. It's a collection of thoughts and I am going to allow my fingers to just do what they do and type away this morning. I am hoping that the things I thought of last night all make their way into this....there was some really good stuff.....but as the title suggests, I just want to take a moment to keep things real. I want to share some of my quiet thoughts today.

"A dream is like a river....everchanging as it flows, and a dream is just a vessel, you must follow where it goes..." I've listened to a LOT of Garth Brooks this week. Shameless, I've decided, is probably my favorite song of his (if I had to pick one), but it's The River that is the song I am playing over and over in my head because it's a good theme song. It's a ballad, so it falls short of being an anthem (trust me, I have a couple of anthems too) but it's on the soundtrack I play in my head. I have a river-like dream that changed a little bit this week and that is where I begin. I allowed myself a "time out." I am anxious to plow through the Google exams and I am really excited about what I am doing and will do with what I am learning. Additionally, I have been taking a five-week course Getting Ready for GAFE and I love it. All that I've set as a goal to achieve this summer works well together. It's fantastic. I want to go back to school and show everyone what I've learned and encourage them to find their "thing" and go for it. I told myself I WOULD take and pass the Google Sites exam before we left for our trip this week. Then, as I worked on things yesterday, I decided that I had two choices 1) Push myself to rush through the last of the material and hurry through the test in order to get what I could done in preparation for our trip or 2) Set aside the exam for a week and focus on getting ready for our trip. We are taking a collection of mini-trips rather than one major vacation because that's what works for our schedule. Why would I want to stress my way through getting ready for this short trip (seriously, it's only two nights, folks!) and risk forgetting something or, worse, causing us to feel "icky" going into the trip while risking failing the exam because of my hurry? That's ridiculous. Choice #2 wins out. Really, it's the best decision. This dream started in April and it certainly has everchanged as it flows and that's ok. I make adjustments as I work my way down the river on my way to Google Educator qualification, but I do it wisely. Rather that thinking of it as a postponement or delay, I think of it as prioritizing. My children are my #1 priority and today I put them and our vacation ahead of all else.

Letting them sleep in on a travel day makes me a little nervous. Then again, I like it when they stay awake and talk to me in the car. When they both fall asleep, it's like someone has sprinkled fatigue dust over the car and it becomes naptime for everyone except, you know...I have to keep driving. Chewing gum helps.

I get tired in the afternoons and I chew gum as I teach too. Seriously, chewing gum helps. There have even been studies on it. Keeps your brain awake!

I get scared. I get lonely. I get excited. I avoid drama, but sometimes, I seem like drama follows me. Whatever. I have to let it roll off. I pray. I am loving. I still think of my nephews, in some ways, as my nephews even though legally they are not. I think that sounds weird to people. Yet, it's true and it's real. The hardest part is, I wonder if I'm "allowed" to care.

Social media plays a really weird role in all of our lives. We can gauge friendships, family relationships, and such all on interactions through social media. "She blocked me! I guess that means...." We compare ourselves to others. Think about it. You know you've done it. We all have. Whether it's a family trip, a work achievement, a life event, or any number of other things...you've done it. We need to fight that urge. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others and we need to live for us. I live for me (and my kids, of course). Who are you living for and...why?

I am unhappy with my weight and, especially where I am carrying it, right now. I feel like after I eat dinner, I blow up like a balloon and that amplifies the issue. I get frustrated and overwhelmed. I try to identify the issue. I often miss a proper breakfast. I started last school year off with a stash of Hershey kisses in my cabinet. I need to sleep more. I need to sleep better. I've slacked on my running. But I'm still managing through running events. I did a lot of crunches and such....got my abdomen into decent shape, and then stopped. That's it! Wait....maybe it's something else. I know, I'll set a meal plan. But I eat a healthy diet. I make good choices. I'll take fish and rice any day of the week. It goes on....and on....and on....and I am trying to do something about it. The thing is, getting myself in this crazy cycle, of "maybe this" and "maybe that" does very little for any of it. All it does is cause me stress. I'm trying to minimize stress. Ok, got it.

Embrace myself. Love myself. Do what feels right for my body. Drink more water. Eat breakfast. Be active. Stay alive. I am embracing myself and loving myself through this and I will continue to do so. It pisses me off when my clothes fit funny. I want to cry when I look in the mirror and see a pregnant-looking belly looking back at me. I've yelled at my stomach. I've cried at the mirror. Then, I remind myself....I'm ok. I have work to do, but I'm ok. I am imperfect and I will still have days when I want to yell and scream in the mirror. The thing is...my daughter is listening. She hears even the things I only say in my head. My daughter is four. Miss Hollywood needs to think about what doll she wants to play with, what bracelet to wear with her princess dress-up outfit of choice, and what goodnight story she wants rather than have the beginnings of a self-image struggle that could last a lifetime. Miss Hollywood is beautiful and if she hears me (even the things I only say in my head)...then she will learn those things. So, I love myself. Because I am worth loving and so are my kids. I have been known, too, to look at my mom and say, "I look pretty today" and it has made all the difference in the day I have. So...more of that. Less of the other "stuff."

I look beautiful today. That shall be my mantra, especially on the days when it's a little more difficult to say it. Here are some others:
I am awesome today.
I am happy today.
I love myself.
All I need, I have.
Life is good.
I live for me, myself, and I.
I live. I love.
There are lots of them. Choose one as a mantra for the day and see what happens. I'd love to hear what you experience.

I love myself enough to know when I need to re-prioritize my schedule. I love myself enough to acknowledge my faults and areas needing work. I love myself enough to know that I still care for people that society likely think I should leave behind. I love myself enough to know that I am imperfect and need to work on things and that work STARTS WITH ME. I love all of myself. I love even the extra inches. I love my reflection more when I look face on in the mirror. For a time, I may avoid looking at my profile. But eventually, I will love myself enough to look at my profile too. Oh....I already do. Some days are easier than others. I love myself enough to know that whatever the reflection in the mirror says, I am me and I am happy. I am beautiful. I am awesome. I like taking selfies. I like being me. I like going on adventures. I like hugging my kids. I like getting a break and having time with friends. I like family trips and solo ones. I like a little bit of everything. I love my kids and myself enough to know that sometimes...I just have to run through mud or color with My Chico and return home to their hugs and love.

CD shared with me last night that like Superman, I act like a nerd so people don't know that I'm Super Mom. I love that he calls me Super Mom from time-to-time. It sure makes me feel good and it reminds me that I am worth loving. We all are. And that is something I hope to instill in my children.

Today....Super Mom, CD, and Miss Hollywood are off on an adventure! Here....we.....go......

Good morning, sunshine!

When I look back over the past three years, it amazes me how much my life has changed and how far I have come in setting and meeting goals. Today is, of course, what I have dubbed "my new anniversary." As today marks the third of this sort, I find it hard to call it "new," but it really remains such. It is a new day. Every day is a new day, a fresh start, a beginning, a starting point.

The sun has risen. The house is still and quiet as CD and Miss Hollywood remain asleep for the moment. A year ago on this day, I boarded a plane and flew to see S. The travel I have done in the last three years has been wonderful. Some for work, some for fun....all because I can and I enjoy it. I gathered items on a recent trip to Pam Springs so I can write a piece on the review blog. I look forward to getting it written this summer. As I am now a full time teacher, I use my vacation times to write, but the writing process is in a constant state with me. I am always constructing pieces in my head so when time allows I can sit and write them. Time allows this morning because I made time. I set an alarm and I sit here with a hot cup of coffee in the momentary stillness of the morning having closed out my classroom for the summer just one day earlier. Today is important. I needed this day.

With each passing year, more frustration and fear fade away. I remain guarded, as I always will. It is a safety measure that I must keep in place. It is a healthy guarding of myself. The "high alert" has downgraded.

It was three years ago this morning that I made the call that changed our lives. My hands trembled as I made that call. My heart raced. At the end of the call, I cried, sobbed. And then, I picked myself up and put myself together and did what I had to do. I took one step. And then another. And then another. I have continued to take those steps and others like them. Each day now, I step into the beauty and embrace who I am and where each step will take me.

Last year around this time, I created my first vision board. It was due for an overhaul and boy did it get one! It is far more open and that is in part because I feel more open. My goals now have built in "Be open to possibilities" while keeping a handful of important goals very specific. My writing goals among them.

This summer, I will work toward some teaching goals: better educating myself and growing myself professionally in preparation for the next school year. I have already started working on them. This summer, I will get at least one book proposal done. S and I have something inside us that needs to be written and released and read. It is time. We will make it happen.More than that, I will keep writing. And keep reading. This summer, I will continue to travel with CD and Miss Hollywood and try new things and make new memories. This summer, I will be. I will be present. I will be alive. I will be ME!

Over the course of the last year, I have periodically explained to people my theory that love exists in the world, but that romantic love is something only a few people actually find and have. People think that I feel closed off to the idea. I remain open to the possibility, but realistically, I have to continue to hold onto the love that actually exists in my life. My children, my family, my friends....and the big one...myself. In creating the new vision board, I needed to visualize my openness to love. Perhaps it is confusing that I acknowledge love's existence while dismissing that it exists for all. Believing that one gets what they put into the world, I certainly see room for fine tuning my love theory.

I listened to an interesting NPR piece last night. I heard in promoted twice earlier in the day and knew I had an obligation at the time it would air on All Things Considered, so I made sure I looked it up last night. Sam Smith. Know him? Yeah, the name was new to me as well. Well, he has a radio hit right now. It's beautiful. It's a ballad. Interestingly, though, it's a song about a one night stand rather than a "love song." That built part of the stage on which this interview was built. He's 22. He has never been in a relationship. In the interview, though, he explained that he knows precisely what love is. For a moment I wondered how he could. But then I thought about it. Of course he could. Anyone can. Perhaps in knowing what love is, he will in time find that perfect love and hold onto it forever. I know what love is. I believe in love. Now, I have to work with my theory on how it works and visualize it better. Because, if I am going to believe it is out there, then I have to fully believe it exists for everyone. So, here's the deal. I am going to let love find me when the time is meant to be. I'll be here. I'll be open to it. But, for me, looking for it is a time-consuming, stressful mess of a thing to attempt. Perhaps that better sums up where I am with things now. I celebrate my friends who have found it! It is awesome! It is work. It is awesome work. Over the weekend, I saw a couple of things that helped solidify this in my mind. I share them here. And so, I have adopted the "I am always in perfect time" mantra. I like it. I embrace it.


I sense that the stillness will soon break. That's ok. That means hugs, and giggles, and love lived.

Today is "my new anniversary." Today, I will have some time with My Chico and it will be fantastic. We are headed to lunch and to do some shopping for an upcoming color run.

My top five summer goals:
1. Be open
2. Complete coursework that will make me a better educator
3. Write, write, and write some more AND Complete the pitch with S for "Project A"
4. Be active and healthy and on track
5. Enjoy my children in all things and enjoy things with my children

Happy anniversary! Good morning, sunshine! It's a new day!
What will you do with it?

Now....let's let Janis take us into the semi-official summertime kickoff!

Flooded with emotion

This blog post started to come together in my head over the MLK weekend last month. Somehow, I avoided writing it.

Three years ago, the three-day Martin Luther King, Jr. weekend proved to be the beginning of the end, of sorts, for a marriage I had fought hard for, for a very long time. I believed in love. I believed I had it. I believed it was worth fighting for and so I did for a long, long time. I did for myself. I did it for my children. I did it for what I believed to be love. Then, one day, I saw my world starting to crumble around me. My eyes opened to things I had never fathomed. And, it all came to a crashing reality when my husband threatened to kill himself in words spoken to me, in front of our three-year-old son and six-month-old daughter. How does a mother answer the question, "mommy, why is daddy going to kill himself?" How does she answer this question for herself.

What brings this all to light again today. Why I need to write it today.

Today would have been my cousin Toby's 40th birthday. Instead of celebrating an exciting point in his life, I shed tears during Mass today. In October 2005, Toby took his own life. My husband was present in my life and saw how I struggled with Toby's suicide. Whether he was serious about wanting to do it or using it as an emotional manipulative device, it devastated me. Rather than fight for his marriage, he would kill himself. I still to this day harbor some angry feelings toward Toby's decision. It makes me sad, but it makes me angry. You see, Toby was more than "just" my cousin. Within recent weeks, I came across a journal I kept during the fall of 2005. In it, I had written a poem called "My Cousin, My Brother." My parents are Toby's Godparents. Toby lived with us for several years and I came to view him as an older brother. When your "brother" kills himself, it takes a toll. It took a toll on the whole family. When five years later your husband threatens to do the same, it crushes your spirit. When you're discussing it later and he says, "I wasn't going to shoot myself. Do you want me to tell you how I was going to do it?" It tears the very fabric of your being. Your life, everything you've worked so hard for blurs. You think of your small children and what it would mean for them. You know how you handled a family suicide as an adult. What would it do to a three-year-old? To an infant? And then you have to start looking at the future and start making the difficult decisions that need to be made. And then you make them. And then you step into the future. And you focus on life, and living. You live your life for yourself and your children.  You do what you need to do. You savor each moment. You live.

Today, we "celebrated" the stoning of Stephen. A martyr. A man who died for his faith so we might live for ours. Let us live. Let us live fully.

Happy birthday, Toby, my cousin, my brother.