"A dream is like a river....everchanging as it flows, and a dream is just a vessel, you must follow where it goes..." I've listened to a LOT of Garth Brooks this week. Shameless, I've decided, is probably my favorite song of his (if I had to pick one), but it's The River that is the song I am playing over and over in my head because it's a good theme song. It's a ballad, so it falls short of being an anthem (trust me, I have a couple of anthems too) but it's on the soundtrack I play in my head. I have a river-like dream that changed a little bit this week and that is where I begin. I allowed myself a "time out." I am anxious to plow through the Google exams and I am really excited about what I am doing and will do with what I am learning. Additionally, I have been taking a five-week course Getting Ready for GAFE and I love it. All that I've set as a goal to achieve this summer works well together. It's fantastic. I want to go back to school and show everyone what I've learned and encourage them to find their "thing" and go for it. I told myself I WOULD take and pass the Google Sites exam before we left for our trip this week. Then, as I worked on things yesterday, I decided that I had two choices 1) Push myself to rush through the last of the material and hurry through the test in order to get what I could done in preparation for our trip or 2) Set aside the exam for a week and focus on getting ready for our trip. We are taking a collection of mini-trips rather than one major vacation because that's what works for our schedule. Why would I want to stress my way through getting ready for this short trip (seriously, it's only two nights, folks!) and risk forgetting something or, worse, causing us to feel "icky" going into the trip while risking failing the exam because of my hurry? That's ridiculous. Choice #2 wins out. Really, it's the best decision. This dream started in April and it certainly has everchanged as it flows and that's ok. I make adjustments as I work my way down the river on my way to Google Educator qualification, but I do it wisely. Rather that thinking of it as a postponement or delay, I think of it as prioritizing. My children are my #1 priority and today I put them and our vacation ahead of all else.
Letting them sleep in on a travel day makes me a little nervous. Then again, I like it when they stay awake and talk to me in the car. When they both fall asleep, it's like someone has sprinkled fatigue dust over the car and it becomes naptime for everyone except, you know...I have to keep driving. Chewing gum helps.
I get tired in the afternoons and I chew gum as I teach too. Seriously, chewing gum helps. There have even been studies on it. Keeps your brain awake!
I get scared. I get lonely. I get excited. I avoid drama, but sometimes, I seem like drama follows me. Whatever. I have to let it roll off. I pray. I am loving. I still think of my nephews, in some ways, as my nephews even though legally they are not. I think that sounds weird to people. Yet, it's true and it's real. The hardest part is, I wonder if I'm "allowed" to care.
Social media plays a really weird role in all of our lives. We can gauge friendships, family relationships, and such all on interactions through social media. "She blocked me! I guess that means...." We compare ourselves to others. Think about it. You know you've done it. We all have. Whether it's a family trip, a work achievement, a life event, or any number of other things...you've done it. We need to fight that urge. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others and we need to live for us. I live for me (and my kids, of course). Who are you living for and...why?
I am unhappy with my weight and, especially where I am carrying it, right now. I feel like after I eat dinner, I blow up like a balloon and that amplifies the issue. I get frustrated and overwhelmed. I try to identify the issue. I often miss a proper breakfast. I started last school year off with a stash of Hershey kisses in my cabinet. I need to sleep more. I need to sleep better. I've slacked on my running. But I'm still managing through running events. I did a lot of crunches and such....got my abdomen into decent shape, and then stopped. That's it! Wait....maybe it's something else. I know, I'll set a meal plan. But I eat a healthy diet. I make good choices. I'll take fish and rice any day of the week. It goes on....and on....and on....and I am trying to do something about it. The thing is, getting myself in this crazy cycle, of "maybe this" and "maybe that" does very little for any of it. All it does is cause me stress. I'm trying to minimize stress. Ok, got it.
Embrace myself. Love myself. Do what feels right for my body. Drink more water. Eat breakfast. Be active. Stay alive. I am embracing myself and loving myself through this and I will continue to do so. It pisses me off when my clothes fit funny. I want to cry when I look in the mirror and see a pregnant-looking belly looking back at me. I've yelled at my stomach. I've cried at the mirror. Then, I remind myself....I'm ok. I have work to do, but I'm ok. I am imperfect and I will still have days when I want to yell and scream in the mirror. The thing is...my daughter is listening. She hears even the things I only say in my head. My daughter is four. Miss Hollywood needs to think about what doll she wants to play with, what bracelet to wear with her princess dress-up outfit of choice, and what goodnight story she wants rather than have the beginnings of a self-image struggle that could last a lifetime. Miss Hollywood is beautiful and if she hears me (even the things I only say in my head)...then she will learn those things. So, I love myself. Because I am worth loving and so are my kids. I have been known, too, to look at my mom and say, "I look pretty today" and it has made all the difference in the day I have. So...more of that. Less of the other "stuff."
I look beautiful today. That shall be my mantra, especially on the days when it's a little more difficult to say it. Here are some others:
I am awesome today.
I am happy today.
I love myself.All I need, I have.
Life is good.
I live for me, myself, and I.
I live. I love.
There are lots of them. Choose one as a mantra for the day and see what happens. I'd love to hear what you experience.
I love myself enough to know when I need to re-prioritize my schedule. I love myself enough to acknowledge my faults and areas needing work. I love myself enough to know that I still care for people that society likely think I should leave behind. I love myself enough to know that I am imperfect and need to work on things and that work STARTS WITH ME. I love all of myself. I love even the extra inches. I love my reflection more when I look face on in the mirror. For a time, I may avoid looking at my profile. But eventually, I will love myself enough to look at my profile too. Oh....I already do. Some days are easier than others. I love myself enough to know that whatever the reflection in the mirror says, I am me and I am happy. I am beautiful. I am awesome. I like taking selfies. I like being me. I like going on adventures. I like hugging my kids. I like getting a break and having time with friends. I like family trips and solo ones. I like a little bit of everything. I love my kids and myself enough to know that sometimes...I just have to run through mud or color with My Chico and return home to their hugs and love.
CD shared with me last night that like Superman, I act like a nerd so people don't know that I'm Super Mom. I love that he calls me Super Mom from time-to-time. It sure makes me feel good and it reminds me that I am worth loving. We all are. And that is something I hope to instill in my children.
Today....Super Mom, CD, and Miss Hollywood are off on an adventure! Here....we.....go......
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