Year-in-review

When I ran a newspaper, we always devoted our last issue of the year to reviewing the year gone by. I enjoy taking time to reflect on what has happened over the course of the previous 12 months. For a community, it brings quite a mix. For a person, it can do the same.

Two days ago, I reviewed my goals list. I make a goals list each year and I keep in handy so I can remind myself as needed, but I purposely make a point to only review it on occasion. The important part to me is making the goals a part of my life rather than checking off a list. If I immerse myself in the life I choose to live by outlining these goals, then theoretically, at the end of the year I will have accomplished them. For the second year in a row, when I went over my goals list, I found that I had met and exceeded my goals and expectations for 2013. What a fantastic feeling!

There were points along the way where I made adjustments to the list. Instead of running the Riverbank Cheese and Wine 5k, I took the kids on their first airplane trip and we celebrated my granddad's 90th birthday. Yet, I still exceeded my running goals for the year. I had set a goal of improving my one-mile time by October. I accomplished that by June. The two runs specifically on my list were a 5k (Riverbank) and the Survivor Mud Run. I ran six 5k runs and a one mile family fun run. I did Survivor AND Warrior Dash. I see this as setting a pace for 2014 too. So, rather than outlining specific runs to run, I will continue with this momentum. I will continue to do 5k runs and I am already registered for another mud run (MuckFest MS in Ocotber 2014). Our trip to Virginia will happen, but it will happen a little later than I originally thought. My kids will be better prepared for such a trip and I know some of the things I need to do in advance. I did things to move us closer to making that trip. I know what year I will travel to Paris. Now to continue working toward those plans and meeting that goal.

I loved what I did with my writing in 2013 and I want to continue with it. Upon reading my children's story to my kids (again) yesterday, I know that it is time to pursue getting it published. S and I will wrap up the writing, work on the editing, and get our book published. I started the extensive research for my Project B (the domestic violence book) and have a ways to go, but it will get done. My goal is to have it published by 2015 and promote the heck out of it.

I got a full time teaching job. I have discovered a passion for teaching science as I never before knew. It has helped me find that I am called to pursue more in the realm of education technology. Ten years ago, An Ed Tech professor suggested I get my Master's in Ed Tech. I brushed off the idea. Now I feel a strong pull in that direction. I discovered that I LOVE conferences. I think this stems from my desire to continue learning. I want to attend more conferences in 2014 and work toward starting my master's program in the fall of 2015. Science and technology are my areas to continue in my education career. I want to lead seminars and teach others. This will either come in my education career or my writing career....or, perhaps both.

I learned so much about myself and I learned so much about my children in 2013. The whole year was fantastic. We traveled. We attended sporting events. We played at the park. I went indoor rock climbing and spelunking. I created a 40X40 list and have made great progress in starting to check things off of it.

CD is awesome.

Miss Hollywood is awesome.

I am awesome.

Together, we are amazing! We have a fantastic life and we continue to live it to the fullest. There are rough days, of course. I've had moments where I've cried my eyes out. I still occasionally do the shower cry, if I get an uninterrupted shower. I have had struggles. The best part of it all is that I have overcome them.

I set a goal to improve my co-parenting and I have done that. I have room for more improvement, but I am overjoyed with how well I did this year. As long as CD and Miss Hollywood are at the center of it all, and as long as I do right by them, then I am doing things well. I can only control my actions and my reactions. And so, that is where I focus my energy.

I kissed in the rain and it made me feel something I had never before felt. And....I misread all kinds of signals. I learned that I can be drawn to a person, without having to push. I took risks in relationships. Because of that, some of my friendships are stronger than ever. Because of that, I have learned that I am happy being single. I remain open to the possibility that love may one day come into my life, but I am content, even happy, with how I am now. I have what I need. I have me. Getting myself back was the greatest accomplishment of the past three years. Making myself into the best me I can be is something I have worked toward for myself and for my kids. I am goal oriented. I am strong. I am determined. I am optimistic. I am happy. I am beautiful. At some point, someone may want to be a part of that. My job is to be ready for it rather than to go chasing it. If I am my best me, then I am always ready for whatever is to come. If I am my best me, then I can find peace and joy and happiness in so many things, in so many places, in so many ways. What a great feeling! I kissed in the rain and it made me see that the romantic in me exists and can do so without being deemed "hopeless." I also learned that the romantic in me can live and I can share in others' joy without feeling down about myself. I am my best me and I am getting even better. I am looking forward to 2014 and all that it will bring. I enter it with peace in so many aspects of my life.

Peace be with you and yours. Enjoy this last day of 2013 and welcome 2014 with open arms!

For my children

As I sat back for a moment and watched my children sleeping last night, I reflected on the day and got to thinking about so many things. A poem started framing itself in my mind. I got myself ready for bed and still had it in my head. I grabbed one of my notebooks and started writing. It came together slightly differently than originally framed, but I knew the sentiment is what needed to flow as I put pen to paper. For my children...and their nana and papa.

She wore her Papa's slippers
he snuggled in Papa's chair
All they wanted was to feel him close
Even when he wasn't there.

She read her Nana's paper
He sat by Mama's side
When the week felt long
they whimpered and they cried.

An X on the calendar
Eggs gathered in a box
They straightened up the house
The even picked up every sock.

Soon the day came
They heard the van pull in
They opened up the door
Then they began to grin.

"Nana and Papa are home!"
the children shout with glee
It means so very much
When you're six and when you're three.

I read this to both CD and Miss Hollywood this morning and they loved it. They were excited about it. Miss Hollywood knew what each part was about and she enjoyed hearing it...she even made me read it again. They also had me read the children's story I've written....at least three times! I think it's time to pursue an illustrator and get that published. 2014 will be the year of the newly published Bekah! Bring it on!

Finding peace and fighting to stay in it

This week, we started our meetings in preparation for the year ahead. It was wonderful to see my colleagues and set off on a new adventure. On Tuesday, we had a retreat. During the retreat, we spent a lot of time in different forms of prayer. The first designated prayer time brought me more peace than I have felt in a very long time, possibly ever. We went out and found our own places to focus on a centering thought, clear our heads, be still and be quiet. We could choose our own word to focus on that would bring us back to the point of stillness and quietness.

I grabbed my picnic blanket from my car and found a place on a small grass area in the sun. Sitting in the sun always brings me some peace in itself. I sat, closed my eyes, and worked to become quiet and still. The word I chose was the word that has been the focus of some of my book writing this summer and is important in many aspects of my life: LOVE. I could hear people coming and going from the parking lot and cars driving down the nearby street. I knew I would have to tune all that out. I used my word. LOVE. Love. love. I grew quieter and more still. Then I heard birds. I chose one bird to focus on as a centering thought entered my mind. Do all things WITH and IN LOVE. [If I do all that I do with love and in love, then the world is a better place.] As I focused on the sound of one bird singing, everything else dropped away. Stillness surrounded me. I entered a place of peace like never before. A breeze came up and blew across me bringing me even more peace. I appreciated this time. I needed this time. More happened during the retreat and interestingly, much of it had to do with love. Love. LOVE. The leader of our retreat ended later in the day reminding us that we are called to be both Mary and Martha. We pray, we function as disciples, and we also serve, and take action. The other prayer times had different types of prayer for us to try. Still, the first of the day set my heart and mind right where I needed it and it is the type of prayer I want more of in my life. A goal: I will work to incorporate more still, quiet, prayer time in my daily life and work.

After leaving the retreat, I was about halfway home when I realized that this icky anxiety was creeping in and it made no sense. I was at peace. Thanks to some recent conversations with S, I could recognize what it was. "Get behind me Satan," I said out loud. "You have no place here." And I turned my thoughts back to God. The anxiety started to melt away. I shared this story with S the following day when she shared her own experience of recognizing Satan's attempt to infiltrate. After this conversation with her, I entered a meeting for the Raise the Roof event I am helping co-ordinate at church and we had a productive, focused meeting. The event is now just a week away. We need to be ready. We are. We will be. It will rock. We will Raise the Roof and it's not "my" event or even the church's event. This is God's event.

Flashforward to more days. I recounted this whole story to my mom. I talked to her about my conversation with S, but focused primarily on my experience of the retreat day. I repeated a couple of times about telling Satan to get lost. And added, "I know it's not that I'm more vulnerable, but it's more like I'm a target." As we are. When our faith is strong, when we find peace, Satan will fight to get to us. Someone who lacks or chooses not to have a strong faith in God is of little to no interest. After this conversation with my mom, I set out on my day. I had a big day ahead, much to do. I had rearranged my day and felt good about how it was shaping up. I entered the day with confidence. After finishing some errands closer to home, I set out on my drive to work. I had some things I needed to get done there. Partway there, my car started acting funny. I called my dad. We decided together that I needed to turn around and bring the car to my mechanic. I chose to use a safe place to make this turn around rather than using a smaller country road. As I turned into the parking lot of a gas station, the car just quit altogether. I felt anger, frustration, fear but I acted out of love, patience, and strength. My worries subsided as I found everything would work out ok and I knew I would have time to get the work done I needed to do. I got towed back to my mechanic. He had the car fixed and ready to go within a couple of hours. In the midst of this, I re-focused. I kicked out the anger, fear, and frustration and focused on what I could do. I posted this status update: Just in case anyone needs the reminder... in the end, God wins. This is primarily directed to that other "dude"who keeps trying to infiltrate my peace and positive being and awesomeness.

That other dude will keep trying, but he has no place here. My faith will sustain me, but each and every day I must make the choices to fight to keep this peace in my life. Sounds funny...fight for peace. But struggle aside, I remain at peace. I will work to keep it.

I know not everyone I know believes in God. I am sure there are some of my fellow Christians even who may think I sound a little off-my-rocker with some of this. That's cool. they walk their walks. I walk mine. I can always choose to share. If others get something from it, great. If not, that's cool.

Two thoughts as I wrap this post up...a Bible verse and a song that I find floating in my thoughts this morning:
For we walk by faith, not by sight.
They will know we are Christians by our love.

PEACE BE WITH YOU!

Ashton Kutcher nails it: "Opportunity looks a lot like hard work"

Here we are nearly a month out from my last post. I've worked quite a bit on building up my review blog this summer. I committed to expanding it and reaching out to do more reviews. It has felt really good to work on it, too. Additionally, work has been well underway on the actual book that S and I decided to write. This blog started as a place to organize thoughts and re-start my writing. I come here to collect thoughts. I have had to work on gathering that collection of thoughts and work on putting them into the book. We still have a lot of work to do, but what we have accomplished this summer has been simply amazing. I am proud of S. I am proud of myself. I am proud of what we are doing. We also started Project 60. It started as little under-the-radar Facebook group. We still work to ensure the privacy of our participants in the group. But we are working on taking Project 60 to a new level. One step taken recently is the launch of the Project 60 website. Check it out here.

What brings me back to writing here tonight is an incredible speech Ashton Kutcher gave at the Teen Choice Awards. This is something parents should watch with their children and teachers should watch with their students. He said some incredibly powerful, important things that young people need to hear.

OPPORTUNITY = WORK

I have always believed this. Unfortunately, I am sure there are many (if not most) of us who know at least one person who believes that opportunity will just come. They sit in their living rooms waiting for opportunity to knock on the proverbial door. They complain when it doesn't. What seems to go unnoticed is that while they were waiting for opportunity to knock and let itself in, opportunity just kept on walking down the street. I believe that hard work pays off and I believe that opportunities come to those who work for them.

Last spring, as I wrapped up the school year as a half-time teacher, I also worked on rebooting my writing career and I spent hours upon hours filling out job applications. As a teacher, right now at this point in my life, I need to work full time. Applying for jobs can be a full time job in itself. It takes creativity in scheduling when you are working, but you do what you need to do. I branched out my search. I looked nightly. I lost track of how many applications I submitted. I hoped for interviews that never came and I learned to accept rejection letters. As the end of summer neared, I found peace. I knew that I would be ok with continuing to work haltime while writing in my "free" time. I love to write, writing projects are underway. I'll use the time I have for writing. Then I decided to follow-up on one last job application. Apparently my application packet had been misplaced. It was a good thing I looked into it. I ended up with a job interview scheduled for 48 hours after my call. It was awesome. The interview went well. I celebrated. I felt joy. Yet, something still felt a little off. You see, I love my school. I think that love for this school conflicted with my desire to work full time. I again reached a point of peace. I knew I would be ok whatever the outcome of that job interview. It felt so good to feel so at peace. The next day, a call came.

~~~
The call came from my current principal. An additional teaching opportunity had opened and I was the right fit. So, I get to stay at the school I love and I get to teach full time Bonus is that I know I will still have time to continue with my writing projects. Weekends and early morning hours will be key. But I had gone above and beyond as a half-time teacher, so I know that I will commit a lot of time as a full time teacher. I know it will work because I will work to make it work.

OPPORTUNITY = WORK

"I've never had a job in my life that I was better than," Kutcher said, "I was always lucky just to have a job."

No one is too good for any job. The only thing anyone is too good for is wasting their talents sitting around, limiting their searches, and failing themselves by not trying. No job opportunity is a waste. Every job opportunity is just that, opportunity! Take it. If you feel you are too good for it, then you are failing yourself and you are failing others. It may not be your dream job or you ultimate career goal, but work is work.

The second thing Kutcher addressed is sexiness. He declared that being smart is sexy. More young people need to wrap their minds around this. They deserve to know that they are sexy just as they are. Intelligence is a beautiful trait.

Kutcher's third strong point came in the form of what to do with life.
"Build a life, don't live one."

I believe in living life to the fullest and not allowing a single moment pass by. But, he is exactly right. Each and every one of us must build the life we want and need. No one can build it for us. As parents, teachers, grandparents, friends, counselors...we all have a responsibility to help build the foundation on which young people will build their lives. They deserve that. They deserve our best. The least we can do is help them see their beauty, embrace their intelligence, and help them choose to grab every opportunity that comes from their hard work. I network in different ways because it's worth it. I build relationships because each and every relationship has a benefit. I build a career because I want it and my children deserve to see the payoff of hard work and dedication. Persistence, tenacity, patience, diligence....it all pays off.

The point Kutcher made I wish to end with tonight: "Be thoughtful, be smart, and be generous."

We would all benefit from every individual choosing these three things. Imagine what the world would be like. wow!

To see the entirety of his speech (and you should all watch it if you haven't already):

Blessed by the kindness of others

We had taken a weekend trip to our family ranch. My brother came up with the name ACORNS. A Cabin on the Ranch Near Sisquoc. And so it is. So, we traveled for the weekend to ACORNS. This provides a sort of oasis, a sanctuary, for us all. I love that my two children have already developed such an incredible  appreciation for this place. They love it. They work it. They do much of what I remember doing there as a kid. Last year, we went to the Santa Barbara County Fair for the first time with them. This year, we returned. The poultry barn and ag exhibits were favorites. No surprise there. Afterall, CD is raising chickens and aspires to one day becoming a "farmer cowboy."

CD and Miss Hollywood have developed an affection for Cowboy Roy and Cowboy Bob. The two cowboy friends have started teaching my two children some amazing things and surely have contributed to the affection the kids have for ACORNS. Their patience and understanding and willingness to teach these two young children some of the "ropes," has been appreciated not just by the kids, but by me.

As we headed out on our journey home, I noticed the car overheating terribly. I knew we would not make it very far. In fact, we hadn't even made it to the freeway yet. I called my dad who came to our rescue, along with my uncle. While they ran to get the parts we needed for the first fix on the car, a nice trucker approached me to ask if the kids and I were ok and whether or not we needed anything. I assured him we were fine and my dad would return shortly with the parts we needed to make a repair. The trucker returned a few moments later to chat and double-check that we were ok. He then asked if we liked blackberries.

"Are you kidding?! Blackberries are a favorite!" I replied.

He said he had a full load and would return right away with a box of blackberries. CD, in particular, thought he was in Heaven. The blackberries were chilled from the refrigerated truck. What a treat!

My dad and uncle returned. We made the repair on the car and off we went. We made it less than two miles down the road before the car overheated like crazy again. I found another gas station to park at and this one had a service station. A kind older gentleman listened carefully as I explained my overheating experiences, while holding Miss Hollywood in my arms as CD found a way to keep himself entertained. Unfortunately, the person who could help us would not return until the following morning. Not an option. It was imperative that we return home that night. My dad and uncle once again came our rescue. As we waited for their arrival, a gentleman with a "lunch truck" who had stopped at the service station checked on us. Before he left, he grabbed a large Powerade off of his truck, and handed it to me saying, "Here, for the kids."

To make sure we had everything just right, dad found a mechanic would do the work if we supplied the parts. Off my dad and uncle went to get the parts while the kids and I headed to Bush's Automotive in Santa Maria. We received great service and the car was finished in less than an hour. Not only that, but the charge came in under $100 for the job! We got back on the road much later than we originally set out to, but we were back on the road and headed home. Finally! The car did great the entire way and for that I was most thankful.

Along the way, we stopped here and there for restroom breaks, leg stretches, refueling ourselves and the car. At one stop in Gonzales, we went into a coffeehouse. We received great service and my coffee was perfect! (See related review post on Bek's Bites.)

We always love our trips to ACORNS and many of our trips become full on adventures. This one could have overwhelmed us with frustration and fatigue, but thanks to the kindness of others, we took everything in stride and made it home before midnight. "Our adventures never stop," CD said earlier in the day. Indeed, son, our adventures continue and go on and on. How blessed are we!

Stella got her groove, but I got BEKAH back

I had an incredible epiphany today!

For years, I heard that I acted "snobby." Early in my marriage I was told, "I don't like the way you act when you're on the phone with S. You act like a snob." He would tell me that he needed to get the LA out of me. I was a strong, confident woman. Sure, I had issues here and there and had moments where I struggled with self-esteem. But, I knew if I put my mind to something, I would do it. Some of that lasted through the years, but some of it did not. Afterall, I started to believe I was a snob and that was not ok.

Today, I had an important telephone meeting. I started my day early and put myself together just as if I were heading to an office for a meeting. I wanted to look good because I knew it would come through the other end of the line.

I have noticed lately that I walk more with my shoulders back and my head held high. I believe very strongly in what I am doing. The more I believe, the more I achieve. I envision good and amazing things happening and they are happening. Are they happening overnight? Nope. But my hard work and my confidence pays off daily.

So, that epiphany I had today. You see, I never was a snob. I didn't act snobby. I acted confidently. Over the years I allowed that confidence to be peeled away by another person. Never again. I will only surround myself with people who build me up, support me, see me through, and help me make things happen.

When I got engaged, our parents said to both of us that we needed to work. My "AA" was nearly complete and I was figuring out which direction to go next. I had already secured seasonal retail employment. I started searching for something more substantial. I started a new job after the holidays. While working that full time job, I also started my freelance writing career. I eventually parted ways with the company for which I worked full time and within a matter of months, I took on full time employment with one of the newspaper publishers for whom I had done some freelance writing. I worked 70-80 hours many weeks. When I faced burn-out, I started seeking another source of employment and at that point got involved in education. I made sure I had another job lined up before leaving the previous one. I also re-entered student life, going back to finish my "BA." I constantly worked for the next goal. I constantly worked to have something new lined up before leaving a job. I learned a lot from my parents. We could not afford for me to not work. So, I worked. Even when we were publishing our own newspaper, I worked one or two other jobs. I carried the weight of our publishing business while substitute teaching and teaching adult school. I am a go-getter in every regard. The trouble, though, was despite putting forth all of this energy, I struggled to make it. I never felt like I could catch my breath. I never felt that I could get ahead. It felt like one step forward, two steps back at times. I carried myself as well as I could, but there was something missing. I lacked confidence. Much of that confidence had been replaced by fear and doubt. That is now a thing of the past.

I have regained my confidence, and some. I am confident. I am beautiful. I am a go-getter channeling that positive energy into everything I do, all aspects of my life. I have created a list of 40 things I will do and accomplish by my 40th birthday. And I will do it. I will succeed. When I say I know I am better than someone, I say it out of belief in myself rather than any sort of snobbiness. I believe in myself because I am the best me that I can be and I get better and better each and every day.

Some may call me a snob. That's their prerogative. I know better. I am confident and I will use my confidence to go far. Where will their name-calling get them? Even my six-year-old can see the difference and knows better than to say such things to another person.

If you want to get something done, go do it. If you want a new job, go get it. If you want to move ahead, move yourself forward. Believe in yourself. Trust yourself. Have confidence and maintain control of your confidence. It is yours. Anyone else can worry about themselves. You worry about you. You're the only one who can do it right.

It's awesome to have BEKAH back! This chick rocks! Where will you discover your inner awesomeness?

What you don't see....

What you don't see is that I have written more in the last week than I have in the last six months. What you don't see is that my mind is expanding at a rapid pace. What you don't see is that forward progress continues to happen each and every single day.

What you do see is a blog that appears lacking in updates.

Note (if you haven't already done so) that I do write on two other blogs, including Bek's Bites which is my reviews blog. I have a couple of recent posts there. Three, to be exact. I also recently posted again on the Journey of Trust blog. In the meantime, writing has gone into full effect for the divorce book that S and I are co-writing. I spent an amazing four days with S back in mid-June. We made some really good progress laying the final groundwork so writing could begin. We wrote our pitch which has now also been revised slightly and copy-edited. We are each writing on a couple of chapters. This book is finally taking off.

S and I also started something called Project 60. It's a very small, contained group of ladies working together on personal betterment. It's a great project and we have seen success from it already.

I launched my author website livingonepageatatime.com in June.

Research for another writing project has gone full throttle.

My book that I'm working on with some help from CD is also advancing. Additionally, I have developed an idea for a fourth book. It will not progress for awhile. But the idea is there and it is definitely something that no one else can create. It really will be more of a compilation than anything.

I am using Facebook status updates to share quotes that I have encountered in my research. I have created a vision board. I developed a 40X40 (a list of 40 goals I will achieve by my 40th birthday).

Life is AMAZING!

One last note...I am in the process of organizing and launching my Personal Development Coaching (will be developing a title for it that more directly ties in with Living One Page at a Time). I would welcome the opportunity to work with you on goals and how to achieve them! Please contact me for more information through here or by email at rebekah@livingonepageatatime.com and we can go from there! I look forward to hearing from you soon!

Road to running

If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be running in long distance events, I would have either laughed at you or cried.

In junior high and high school, I loved sprinting. I love to run and sprinting is exhilarating. But, by midway through my freshman year, my knees hurt so bad and my doctor had no answers for me other than to stop running. He told me I was likely developing arthritis in my knees. I was 14! To stay on the track team, I took up field events, but it just wasn't the same and I wasn't as good at it. I immersed myself in theater, auditioned for the LA County HS for the Arts and started attending it for my sophomore year. In my senior year, due to family situations, I returned to my traditional high school. There, I continued in theater and never returned to athletics.

In 2003, the pain felt as if it were everywhere. I had other issues going on as well. I started with my regular physician. Then, I had countless tests done. I saw a neurologist, an endocrinologist, and a rheumatologist. At one point, I was told I may have Lupus. This scared me to death. My neurologist had ruled MS which was the first thing he looked for because my mom had MS. He and at least one other doctor ordered a test that came back with results indicating the possibility of Lupus. My paternal grandmother had Lupus, she eventually died as a result. All of this was so incredibly scary. All I knew was that I was experiencing chronic pain and it both scared and frustrated me. My then-father-in-law drove me to the rheumatologist appointment that finally gave me an answer. That doctor ruled out Lupus, thankfully, and diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia. We drove from the doctor's office to a library where I checked out books. At a follow-up with my regular physician, I started to inquire about a handicapped placard for parking. I had resigned myself to the fact that I was essentially chronically ill and, I hurt. I had an answer, now I was going to act the part. He refused. I was 26. He told me that I was too young to just give in and that if I started treating myself as if I were sick, I would end up bedridden within a year. He didn't want that for me and hearing him talk, I didn't want it for myself either. I wanted control over something it seemed uncontrollable. But, I could manage it. To some degree, I did. I had permission from doctors to take naps. I could take Ibuprofen for pain, as I had done for years anyway. I just needed to keep living my life. And, I did. Well, to some degree.

I wasn't fully living at that point in my life anyway. I was held back. I don't think I could even tell you at that point what it meant to fully live life. In the years to come, I would find that the Fibromyalgia symptoms decreased greatly with the hormones related to pregnancy, breastfeeding, and even for another year or more after. I have hardly taken anything for pain in close to seven years. In the last year or two, I have had a little more pain, particularly in my knees, but I try to keep it under control as best I can. But, I haven't allowed it to stop me. As my 35th birthday approached, I wanted to do something HUGE to mark it. So, I signed up for a half marathon. I did it for me, but I also did it to show my children that anyone can do ANYTHING if they set a goal and work for it. I slacked greatly on my training for the half marathon, but I still showed up early on the morning of the run full of positive energy and drive to accomplish the goal I set. My Facebook status update after the run included something like, "this on-again-off-again smoker with Fibromyalgia who slacked on training finished a half marathon in less than 3 1/2 hours!" I did it! I gave myself permission to walk some, and I did. But I finished with a pretty decent time, especially considering I really had no business running a half marathon to begin with. That afternoon, I rested with the heat pad on my knees, took a hot shower, and then had friends over to celebrate my birthday with wine and a nifty cake that I planned and put together myself. My dad baked the cake for me while I was running, but I did the rest. The next day was my actual birthday. What did I do? I got up early, put myself together and took my sore legs to work.

Later in the year, I ran a 5k locally. It felt amazing! I discovered that I found my calling. I'm not the fastest or greatest runner, but I felt so good doing that 5k that I decided to make sure I run that particular one every year. From there, I started looking into other 5k events. So far this year, I have run a one mile race with CD, a mud run with My Chico, and two 5ks. I am signed up for another mud run in October and I have a handful of other 5ks I want to do between now and then including the one from last year that I loved so much. My times are improving. As I ran one this morning, I thought a lot about why I run. I run for me. I don't have to be the fastest runner. There is a little competitiveness that comes out in me, but that helps my personal drive. I will never be a top finisher and I am totally ok with that. I just want to get to where I can do a 5k in 30 minutes (or less) and I am on the right path to meeting that. That is a step up from my original running goal which was to get my mile time down to 11 minutes.

Ten years ago, I was ready to throw in the towel and just be a sick version of myself. But that's not me. I am an active person and I enjoy being on the go much of the time. These runs are important to me and while I may not remember my time on significant runs, I will remember where I ran and that I finished. That's what's important to me.

Just for fun, I always sprint the last little bit to the finish line. I set one last goal as I see the clock ticking and if I can shave even a couple of seconds off, then it's worth it.

So, here I am on the road to developing as a 5k runner. I have put a couple of stickers and things on my car not so much to advertise that I enjoy running, but to keep myself motivated. So far, it seems to be working for me.

So, 10 years ago, someone could have told me I'd be loving running once again, but there is no way I would have believed it. Now, I believe it and I'm living it.

His name was Lawrence Joseph

The pregnancy had been difficult. I made my first trip to the ER on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. The bleeding scared me. My body was under so much stress. I was scared. I had already had nightmares. I have them written and saved on my desktop computer which is not functional right now. Someday I may go back and read through the nightmares again. But I don't really have to. I remember.

My next ER visit was again on a Monday.

Then again.

Each time the baby looked good. I checked out fine. Nothing was wrong. Why was there so much blood?

I saw a specialist. I was put on modified bedrest. I made accommodations at work so I could still teach my adult school students. I did what I was told, when I was told. I asked for help. I could not lift my almost two-year-old son. So, I would sit and have him climb into my lap. He was so excited about being a big brother.

On April 25, 2009, I woke up in excruciating pain. "I think I might have a urinary tract infection," I thought. I said. I took it easy. The pain eased some. I went to a small family event with CD, his grandma, and his Godmother. The pain got worse.

"I'm either in labor or this is the worst urinary tract infection of my life." We went to the hospital.

No doctor saw me. Only an L&D nurse. I was diagnosed by phone with a UTI. I did not appear to be in labor. I was prescribed medication. I took it immediately. I started to feel a little better. We ate dinner. He went back into his "hole" (his office). CD and grandma went to bed. I sat. The pain came back with a vengeance. It was one of the most awful things I have ever experienced. I remember the pain coming on fast and furious. I remember the clicking of the rice cooker cycling. "It's just a UTI," I thought. Afterall, I had been to the hospital and that's what they diagnosed. I rode it out. Until I couldn't any longer...

I stood from the recliner. I stopped in the bathroom. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong, very, very wrong. I made my way down the hall and stopped in the doorway to the office. "Something's not right." "Do you need to go back to the hospital," he asked. "I think so," I said. (In retrospect, I think "well, duh!") Off we went.

I barely made it into the L&D observation room. I started to deliver his lifeless body with no nurse, no doctor in the room. They came running as I yelled, "he's coming!" It was sometime after 2 a.m. on April 26. My second child was stillborn, but born, still.

We named him. His name was Lawrence Joseph. I refer to him as LJ.

I had an amazing day today! One thing I have learned is that we absolutely, positively must live each day to the fullest. We never know what the next day will bring, the next moment even. You can't live with regrets. (Lord knows if one could, I would probably find a ton.) I had an amazing day today! I cherished amazingly awesome moments! I am quite happy I love my life. And honestly, I am all too aware that I if I changed anything, it would change where I am and what I am doing, so I can't say I would change anything.

I embraced a moment with a ladybug crawling on my arm. I enjoyed my students. I held a piglet. Today was a great day! And, as I wrote this, listening to P!nk's "Beam Me Up," Miss Hollywood came to me and asked me to dance. So, we danced. She smiled big smiles! We smiled together. We loved each other and we loved the moment. And in that moment, I remembered that I may not have her if I hadn't gone through what I did.

His name was Lawrence Joseph. He is my son. I am a mom of three, even if only two are here with me physically.

It truly is a GREAT day to be alive!

(feel free to stop this after the song ends)

An unorthodox review: The Vagina Monologues

Originally, I thought I might do this post similar to how I did the "Hamlet" one. However, the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that it won't quite work that way. I am going to explore this production of "The Vagina Monologues" with my blog post interwoven. It's just the way it has to be.

I had heard of "The Vagina Monologues" long ago. I didn't really know what it was and, frankly, the title both intimidated and intrigued me. When I would see it, I would think, "oh, that might be something to see." Of course, then I wouldn't. I wasn't really going to shows anyway, so it was easy to put off seeing it. I learned today that the Center Stage Conservatory did a production of it about two years ago. It was staged at The State Theater. That brought on some interesting thoughts as I watched the show today. Two years ago, I was in an entirely different place in my life. There is no way I would have watched this show the way I did today. There is no way it would have impacted me the way it did. There is no way I would have been as receptive to some of the things. There is no way I was ready for this two years ago.

I have followed various women's rights, domestic violence, and One Billion Rising groups on Facebook for quite awhile now. I've added to it in recent months, and I am stronger, healthier, and happier than I have been in years! I needed to see this production at this point in my life. I could relate to so much. And, thanks to my awesome sense of humor, I laughed. I laughed hard! It felt so good!

The cast included first time actresses as well as experienced actresses. The stories as written were awesome in themselves, but as presented, they were moving and they brought about every bit of range of emotion as you would expect. It was as if these ladies were sharing their own personal stories. Because, in their roles, they were. Many of them were in some way like the characters they portrayed or could otherwise relate. They stood together, united. They truly became their characters.

"Reclaiming Cunt" was particularly impressive! The way it was written and the way it was presented was incredible! Claudia Linares had me almost ready to in fact reclaim the word. I laughed and enjoyed it. You still won't find me using "the C-word" though. Yet, it was great to see it in a different light than one typically hears it.

I probably laughed most during "My Angry Vagina" and interestingly, I cried hardest when actress Sarah Stone Keath shared her own, very personal story at the end of the show.

"I was There in the Room" made me quite reflective. It was fascinating, as a mother, to hear the perspective of someone else present for a birth. It made me sad all over again that two of my three deliveries were C-section. The one vaginal birth I had was with my stillborn son. In just under two weeks, I will mark the fourth anniversary of this event and I have been struggling for a couple of weeks as I've been thinking a lot about him and that experience. To hear Elda Coleman present this monologue took me back to my three deliveries. As amazing as they were, they were also heartbreaking. She provided such a beautiful picture -- with a sprinkling of humor -- of what childbirth should be like. It saddens me some that I will never experience that and that no one was present who would have captured it quite the same way. Yet, the end result is still beautiful. How blessed am I! So, I smiled, and even laughed, more than anything. What a wonderful thing!

This show had something for absolutely every woman. It had something for most men. Really, every man should consider seeing this show. They could learn from it. And the end was so powerful. As Briana Grace  Hammerstrom presented "Rising," it was a sort of call to arms. As the women gathered on stage at the end, I was half-tempted to stand up with them. Here is where things got really interesting. To hear things I've said come out of the mouths of others...to say I could relate would be an extreme understatement. The essay I will read at Haven on April 24 will detail much of my personal account, but it may lack emphasis on one very important thing. Why I left. Why I rise. I have said again and again that I could NOT allow my son to grow up thinking it was ok to treat women the way I had been treated nor could I allow my daughter to grow up thinking it was ok for her (or any woman) to be treated that way. I took the steps I took not only for myself, but most especially for them. They deserve better than what we were living. And they are already seeing better, living better.

When Keath shared her story, I could relate in so many ways. Her children were five and two. Mine were four and one. I could hear my story and the stories of other women I have met in groups as she shared hers. The essay I will share at the Take Back the Night event later this month is a part of the premise for one of the books I am working on. In it, I describe my journey and discuss how I repeatedly said I was "just" emotionally (also mentally) abused and manipulated. I also discuss how often the emotional scars far outlast physical ones. No form of abuse, of domestic violence, is better or worse than another. They all suck. And they all come back to power and control.

S and I have discussed this off and on for two years now. We still sometimes wonder how strong, intelligent women like us get caught up in these sorts of relationships. It just doesn't make sense. Hindsight, of course, as we all know is 20/20. A few days ago, I was thinking back to when I first took the step from friendship to dating (if it can be called that) relationship all those years ago. It all started with a very emotional plea of sorts, from him. It wasn't the first time my emotions were played by that person. But at the time, I didn't see it as a play, or a tactic. I saw it as someone who was sympathetic and empathetic in ways like I have always been. I could beat myself up over it all. I could ask things such as, "what was I thinking" or "how could I have allowed that to happen." But I choose to not live in the past, but rather live FOR the future. Yes, I can look at some of these things and learn from them. For one, if the chemistry isn't there, I'm not going to try to create it. Chemistry is key and it cannot be forced or created. It just has to be there. I am not going to settle. And, dammit, if a guy wants to be with me, he will need to take me out. I like to get out. I like to be social. I can do evenings at home and enjoy quiet and peace together, but if I ever find that I am closing off from who I am and the things I enjoy, everyone around me has permission to point it out to me, but also, I am strong enough and aware enough to walk away. Walk away early. And go far, far away.

When I talked briefly with Keath after the show, I shared just a couple of pieces of my story. She encouraged me to talk about, to share my story. I let her know that I intend to do just that. I've already started. It's time to really get the ball rolling on my writing projects!

Bravo, to the cast of "The Vagina Monologues!" This is a show I would like to see again. I wish there were still more performances to come. But, I look forward to one day seeing it again with another cast just to compare and to see how much the venue, cast, and all involved impact it all. This is something I would like to read. This is a show I think would be great to be a part of at some point.

And, not only bravo to this cast, but THANK YOU! Thank you for bringing Eve Ensler's words alive! Thank you for supporting Haven. Thank you to the cast, the crew, and the audiences for working to support the community resource that is unfortunately needed greatly. They do good work and deserve every bit of support they can get. Thank you to Haven for being there.

The Take Back the Night event is Wednesday, April 24 at 5:30 p.m. in Modesto. Please come, if you can.

Interestingly, one of my goals for 2013 is to participate in (if not help co-ordinate) a flash mob. I had hoped to do something with Haven. Then I heard about One Billion Rising. That's incredibly similar what I was thinking. If I hadn't had to work February 14, I would have gone to San Francisco to participate there. I guess I'll need to explore this further in another way. I still want to do it. Just the how and where need some figuring out. Hmm...

From Break the Chain lyrics:
You’ve never owned me, don’t even know me I’m not invisible, I’m simply wonderful I feel my heart for the first time racing I feel alive, I feel so amazing
 (This is almost exactly like something I wrote early last year in an art project.)

Also this strikes me:
This is my body, my body’s holy
No more excuses, no more abuses
We are mothers, we are teachers,
We are beautiful, beautiful creatures

All of this makes it clear that I don't have to "reinvent the wheel," but I will rise. There are so many stories to tell and so much information to gather. I will create from within, but I can use the resources available and talk to others and really make this work. Remember, there's a Pulitzer waiting for me at the end of this book writing journey.

Maya Angelou wrote in her poem "Still I Rise" (a long-time favorite):
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

 Like the phoenix, I rise. 

I rise. You can too.

A follow-up

I read an interesting write-in column this morning and found it timely following my blog post from last night.

Is it a date?

Now, I'm not one who is going to risk ruining a great time out by asking for definition of the evening. I'm going to go, have fun, enjoy myself, and enjoy the company I share. I rather enjoy keeping things low pressure. But, still...I suppose I should be allowing myself to take that risk? Possibly losing a potentially good friend by asking or possibly missing out on something wonderful by not...it's an interesting dilemma.

Ambiguity is not something I like. But at the same time, avoiding it can make things awkward. Any thoughts, folks?

Project Reboot

I've had floods of thoughts the past few weeks and yet, I've blogged nothing. Not one thought. I'm processing so much, but neglecting my writing. I thought I had gotten back on track. Apparently, I derailed again. Three weeks! Three weeks since my last blog!

I could try to catch up, but I think it is best, perhaps, to just reboot. I'll start here. I'll start now. Certainly there will be appearances from things of the past few weeks, but I will not go back and try to recreate all of the blog entries I've written in my head.

Rather, I will discuss some of the journey I have been on during this time. Some of this is better suited for a "Journey of Trust" entry, so that shall be done after this one.

One thing has become apparent to me. I do not have the hang of the whole dating thing. Not at all. I've read a couple of articles recently. One suggested that men actually want a "break" from doing the asking (the "chasing"?) and that women should step up more. I've tried this. This is part of my nature. I see something I want, someone I like, and I go for it. The problem here is, that I have always done this and I want, for a change, for someone to show more initiative. Still, I continue to do some asking. So, if the guys are all tired of being shot down and I'm tired of spinning my wheels...we have a problem. A big one. If I'm not doing the asking and they aren't doing the asking, then there is no dating happening. Then I think, what if the article is flawed? Bah! I know I can be intimidating with some of my go-getter attitude. So, that is, in part, why during Lent, I tried to take a step back.

What I found was that I was ok with a date every now and then. I also found, I HATE first dates. I am tired of first dates. A friend pointed out that having lots of first dates is probably better than having second dates with people I don't click with. I get that. I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to waste their time. Time wasted is just that, time wasted. That doesn't serve anyone's best interest. But, I'm not going to pursue a bunch of first dates. I'm going to spend time with people I like. Where it all ends up, who knows. But, I'm done putting myself out "there" again and again and again for pointless first dates. And dating sites, ugh! One repeatedly suggested "matches" for me that didn't make sense. I have children. Why would a computer match me with someone who doesn't want to date a woman who has children from a previous relationship? Still, though, I have to admit that some interesting things have happened in my life because I went ahead and gave it a try. ok, admittedly...gave it a second try. I don't know what the right way to do this all is. I can just be me. I can be the best me I can be. And then, just see what happens. I think what I especially don't like is pressure. Pressure to impress. The past couple of encounters (there's one that I don't even know if it was a date, but I had a fantastic time) have been low-pressure. One, I realized was kind of like being out with a friend. It was fun. But, definitely more friend than anything else. We got together again later and it was the same sort of thing. And then...*POOF* He was gone. Guess he didn't want a friend? That's cool. I wish him well, wherever he is. Great guy, except for the whole "poofing" thing. At least have the courtesy to say something. I am finding, both dating and otherwise, that I really enjoy being surrounded by positive people. People who lift me up just with their presence. (More on this in a moment.) And, there is at least one person who, if it's not a dating thing, I certainly welcome the friendship.

There is one relationship I have down, I think. Well, sort of anyway. My relationship with my son. When he was six-months-old, I started taking him with me on Saturday mornings for coffee, breakfast, to cover stories. We made a date of it. When I was pregnant with Miss Hollywood, these dates were even more important to me. In the past two years, our dates became more sporadic, but I still try to set aside time for CD. Today, we spent the majority of the day together doing some different outings. We went to a parade, a baseball event, a bookstore, and even bought bagels for tomorrow's breakfast then planned and shopped for tonight's dinner. In the midst of this all, I asked him, "Do you know what's awesome?" He responded, "Our dates!?" That made my day. More than any one thing we have ever done together, what made me smile bigger and bigger was that he was verbalizing his appreciation for this special time we spend together. We've done this for most of his life. It is important to me because I know it is important FOR him. But to hear him say that it is important TO him means the world to me. I felt that I must be doing something right. Whether we do something simple such as go for coffee (he gets hot chocolate, of course) or a full day of events...we are both enjoying time well spent together. Shoot, we enjoy spending time together, period. It truly is awesome.

I handed over a lot of relationship stuff during Lent. I gave it up for Lent, in a way. I decided to take myself out of the "driver's seat" and allow myself to experience relationships: family, friends, dating...all of it. I did this generally and with a few specific relationships. It was an emotional journey. On the Monday after Easter, as a group of people worked to remove my car from a rock (yeah...that was a wee-bit stressful)...I walked. I hiked. I talked with God. I yelled at God. I cried. I cried some more. And then, I sat silent. It was all coming together for me. The past few weeks had been quite a journey. And, I am finding that still now, the journey continues. There are relationships that have been far too negative. I am putting less energy into those. I am in no position to waste my time or energy on relationships that bring me down. (After spending 13 years putting my all into a negative relationship and finding the awful toll it took on me, I absolutely refuse to to put myself in any position where I find any bit of it happening again.) It's draining. Instead, I focus on those relationships that fill me and encourage me. New people have entered my life in the past few weeks and they have brought positive things to me, but also brought positive things out in me. I am feeling myself reconnect more and more with...ME! And, I love me! And, I need to love me. I can't love you if I don't love me.

Within the past week or so, a couple of high school friends have been in communication with me. Without the age of social media, I would not have reconnected with many of these people. So, I am thankful for the role social media has played. I am also thankful for the positive changes I have made in my life that have allowed me to reconnect more truly and honestly with people who I think have something to contribute in a positive way.

In the next few weeks, big changes are coming and I suspect I will have a very clear idea of what the immediate future holds. I described it in a Facebook post last night:
The best analogy I have come up with today is this: My life is akin to the following. I am at a poker table. No cards dealt. I go all in. The dealer picks up the deck of cards and tosses them in the air. No matter what, I will put everything into and win this hand. It's just that I don't know what my hand is and I am grabbing cards out of the air. I am "all in" for my future, but there are many doors opening and seeing where it all comes together will be interesting. No matter what, though, I will win. A blog will come...soon.

And so, here is the blog post. I am finding the majority of jobs available for me to apply for are out of this immediate area. I can't afford to not apply, and so I am. They are all in a particular area, which I find interesting in itself. At the same time, there are a few jobs here and I am applying for those as well. Some closer than others. I have also decided to audition for a play, for the first time in over 15 years! The outcomes of these job applications and the play audition will essentially tell me where I am supposed to be. I am happy with whatever direction this goes and I am prepared to give it all I've got. I am future focused. I am goal-oriented. While I don't have it all figured out, nor will I ever even pretend as if I do, I do know that my future is bright. There are big things happening. And I am so excited! I will do something great. Among the great things I will accomplish, I will win a Pulitzer. I gave myself a target date for this that falls ahead of my 40th birthday. I can and will do this. An action arrow has been created and a visualization board is coming within the next few days. This will happen only if I fully commit to it. And so, I commit to it. I did the other night when I wrote it down and I commit to it again, here. Now.

Bottom line: I am thankful for good people in my life and I am certain amazing things are to come!

Picking up the pace after dragging my feet

I admit that I can be a procrastinator. I believe it is, at least in part, genetic. My dad and my brother are both known procrastinators. This time is a little different.

I am at the start of my teaching career and I love that. I have had the opportunity to work in the perfect environment for a first year. The support I have received has been tremendous. I am richly blessed and incredibly thankful. Teaching half-time has allowed me to be involved in CD's classroom and support him in his first year of elementary school. I have learned so much from both my teaching and my volunteerism. Who would want to leave such an amazing environment where they work with wonderful students and incredible colleagues? No one. No one would WANT to leave. However, I have other needs to consider. Do I want to leave where I am? No. But I do want to work full time. I would like to be a little closer to home. But mostly, it comes down to wanting and needing to work full time. And so, I have started my search for a full time teaching position.

Tomorrow is the deadline for two of the positions. I didn't realize what I was doing, but I was doing it. I was dragging my feet. I have taken more time and not felt the sense of urgency that I need to have. Until today. And so, I am wrapping it up and putting everything together under a tight deadline. I will get everything turned in. I certainly will do everything in my power to do so. Either one of these two positions would be great. I am excited! I would love the school. I would love either of the two available grades. I would love being closer to home. Additionally, I think being closer to home would allow me to participate more fully both at the school and in outside activities even though I would have longer work hours. I want to do more writing. I want to audition for a show or two. I have ideas I want to see through at church. And, I want to do more with my two beautiful children. Tonight, as I tucked in CD, it really hit me. They need more of me and to do that, I need full time work closer to home. I still need to get out and have some "mama time," but by simply cutting my commute time, I can be home more for homework and help the kids participate in their extra-curricular activities. I can see the possibility for balance and I need that. They need that. We need that. I strive for balance. And so, this is something I need to do as I work toward establishing that balance.

I truly believe that the right job, at the right place, at the right time will be mine. But I can't sit and wait for it. I have to look. I have to apply. I have to put myself out there. And so...it begins.

Here goes nothin'....

The Long (but temporary) Goodbye post part 2

I knew her for over eight years. I taught with her. I taught for her (as in, I subbed). She mentored me. I learned from her. I looked up to her. Most recently, I have taught at the same school as her daughter. I loved and admired her. And I still learned things about her today that I never knew. I cried. I prayed. I hugged.

We shared a birthday. This year, I will start my birthday at mass with others who loved and respected this great teacher.

At today's funeral mass, I looked around and soaked in how many different people were in attendance. As people processed forward for communion, I watched and I continued to watch as they returned to their seats. It was like watching her legacy walk through the church. Students of past and present walked through. Ages ranged tremendously. Everyone gathered to mourn and celebrate a great woman. A woman who went into teaching later in life, even later than I have. No wonder she was so supportive of me and my decision to switch gears to become an elementary school teacher. She had done the same.

I cry because I miss her. I cry because I had looked forward to learning more from her and turning to her for guidance. I cry because she was the kind of teacher I want to be and I have a long ways to go. I rejoice because I am where I am in part because of her influence on my life. I rejoice because I know the things I admired about her, I can strive for in my own teaching life.

I drove straight from work to today's funeral mass. Tuesday I travel straight from a special memorial mass at the school where she taught to work. I hope to take with me some of what she inspired in me. More tears will surely come. But I do rejoice in the fact that she is now with God, looking down on us, and still continuing to inspire people, myself included. She was not only someone I admired as a teacher, but someone I admired as a woman living a Christ-like life. She was a true model of what it means to be a Christian. To love as He loves us.

Within the past year or so, a former student from the school where she taught was killed  in a gang-related shooting. Within the past week or two, an arrest was made in that shooting. the shooter was also a former student of that school. I was close to tears upon hearing that news. I knew both boys. They were two boys headed down that path, but it breaks my heart that even with the positive influences they received at the school, it just wasn't enough to help them change course. It is a reminder that we cannot save everyone. But that doesn't mean we don't try. It doesn't mean we don't love. It doesn't mean we don't teach. We just have to do our best. And, like in the story of the boy throwing starfish back into the ocean, it makes a difference to some. And if it makes a difference to even one student, then we have succeeded. This woman found something in every student and she helped them to learn how to let their lights shine. There is one student I saw today who I thought about and discussed over dinner. "She helped him find his niche," I said. So may teachers would have given up on this boy, written him off. He struggled...a lot. But, one day, a little over a year ago, I was subbing for her and the students were doing a presentation. There it was. He was a shining star. From that point in his educational career, things changed. She brought something alive in him. (By the way, it involved acting.) She did not give up on him and her patience and persistence paid off. He will forever be changed because of the positive influence of this great teacher. I guarantee it!

"This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine....this little light of mine....I'm gonna let it shine...this little light of mine....I'm gonna let it shine....let it shine, let it shine, LET IT SHINE!"

As I departed today's funeral mass, the following song played on the radio:

Where is the love? The love is in people like my mentor. and I hope it is in me. I also hope to share it and use it to make a difference in this world. She did.

And then...there was silence

It's been a whirlwind. I have no other way to describe it.

We've had people around, things to do...it has felt as if we are go-go-going even when we are at rest. There has been joy. There have been tears. There have been memories shared.

Today, is travel day. People are starting to return to their regular lives as best they can. Once my parents left to take "Mooma" to the train station, the quiet set in. My heart felt even heavier. It's time to return to "normal." For some, a new normal. For others, whatever their "normal" is. But, alas...it is time. Uncle Bubba and his family are headed home today as well. Even having spent just a small amount of time with them, I think knowing they were here made a difference. The family had gathered, as families do.

It's quiet. So quiet. After spending two months where I had quiet and mostly productive mornings at home, this would almost seem normal. But again...my heart is heavy.

I will resume my regular morning routine momentarily. But, I felt I needed this release and so, here I am. A second blog post in less than 12 hours. A song has stuck in my head since yesterday evening. So, I leave you with it. Prayers for peace and comfort for those who need it now and into the days to come.

One down, one to go: long (but temporary) goodbyes

I attended the first of two funerals on my calendar for this week. My faith reminds me that these are temporary goodbyes. They are Earthly goodbyes. But what waits for us on "the other side" is eternal life and I have to believe that we will meet again.

Today's funeral was for a man I wish I had known better. He was my sister-in-law's dad, my brother's father-in-law, a grandfather to my niece and nephew. We attended family gatherings together. And, in the age of social networking, we shared more of a bond thanks to Facebook. By all accounts, he was an amazing teacher and coach. He influenced many. He was surrounded by love and respect. I felt disjointed at the funeral itself. Miss Hollywood announced rather loudly shortly after the start of the service that she had to use the restroom, so off we went. We made our way through the crowd at the back the church...never to return. Thankfully, a speaker system allowed people outside to hear what was being said. However, chasing a two-year-old around provided a great deal of distraction. Still, those who loved this man were gathered together and had a chance to say their goodbyes together. Later, at the reception, we spent time with family. Uncle Bubba looked amazing in his dress uniform. Talk about an officer and a gentleman. My brother is awesome. (Shh...don't tell him that, it might go to his head.) My sister-in-law was stoic. I wish I had the right words, or something more to offer. All I can do is pray and give hugs and hope those hugs will travel with her. I will visit her mom in a little over a month. It's what I can do.

When we first arrived, CD and Miss Hollywood had hugs all around. As Miss Hollywood gave her aunt the biggest hug I've seen in a long time, I joined in. Then I hugged her mom. I did fine. And then, I looked up and my beautiful niece and handsome nephew were coming over. I started to lose it. They were wearing clothing items I gave them for Christmas...."perfect" for today. And, I started to cry.

This man lost his life suddenly and tragically. Such things, as I said to my mom, are the things you see on the news. You don't actually experience them. They don't happen to people you know. But then...you realize... they happen to someone and affect lives. A great man, an amazing and well-respected teacher/coach was laid to rest today. Pray for his family.

The second funeral will be here in the blink of an eye. I have arranged childcare as my kids don't need to attend this one. So, I do not have to "worry" about distractions of a two-year-old nature. I will have to allow myself to experience the emotions that I know will run high. This funeral is also for a well-loved, very respected teacher. This teacher is one of the main reasons I decided to go into elementary education. She is part of how I came to love fifth graders. I dream of one day having my own intermediate level classroom. I had adopted her as my mentor and always dreamed of having her to consult on teaching things. Methods, management, etc. She was an amazing and loving person who walked the walk, not just talked the talk. She lived a Christ-like life. She was an inspiration to many. She is deeply missed. I work (now) with one of her amazing daughters. Another long goodbye...albeit temporary...to be said.

I have felt even more reflective the past couple of weeks. I have, as an empath, experienced a broad range of emotions. I have experienced my own emotions as well. Sleep proves elusive most nights. My nightguard is only as effective as I allow it to be. I keep popping it out in the middle of the night. But sleep will come. I hope. My heart is heavy. My prayers continue for many. As I start my teaching career, the world says goodbye to two influential teachers who serve as reminders of why educators are important. Their successes in education are worth aspiring to and I, for one, will do so.

Rise of the phoenix

I am talking a lot more about my writing goals with people. As I felt a surge last week, I also felt more inclined to talk about my writing and hear about what others are writing. I have a new friend who has apparently designated me as his editor. Whatever that may or may not entail, even if it only lasts a short time, I'll take it. Again, something good emerged within me. I was being called an editor again, if only for a moment.

I continue to reconnect with people from my editor/publisher/journalist days and it feels amazing. These are people who never knew the real me. They knew part of me. But to see and hear how they love to "new" old me who they never really, truly knew makes me feel even more alive.

Tonight, I attended a church fundraiser that I helped co-ordinate. I got to be a little of my goofy self, wearing a silly St. Patrick's Day headband and posing for a picture. I got to be the grown-up vestry member I am. I got to be mom, daughter, and friend. I ate more pizza than I probably should have and finished with salad because I wanted it. As I sat back with my family and enjoyed being me, a fellow parishioner stopped by our table to say hello. Of course, he said more than hello. (We are also Facebook friends and he seems to get a kick out of some of my Facebook posts.) He started talking about something I posted recently. That evolved into a conversation between him and my dad about my writing, my ambitions, my goals....I caught parts, but not all. As he and my dad discussed my book writing goals, I did overhear our church friend say that a title that comes to mind is "The Rise of the Phoenix." I overheard something about "out of the ashes..." I smiled inside and out.

I understood the reference, of course. And it made me feel good. I have seen so many positive changes in myself and I am proud of myself. I believe that I am awesome and growing increasingly more awesome daily. (I am not perfect. I am not "a gift from God" in the arrogant sense, though I am gifted. I learn about myself and others daily. I am not cocky and at times I even border on suffering from depleted self-esteem. But at the end of the day, I recognize my awesomeness.) I've always had good things about me. But to rekindle and even further all that is good about myself, and also find other new good things, is such a blessing. Recognizing it in myself is one thing. Having people recognize it and share that fact with me is a great thing!

For those needing a little background on the mythology of the phoenix:
"Associated with the sun, a phoenix obtains new life by arising from the ashes of its predecessor." (from Wikipedia)

And from the ashes of my predecessor, I arose. I arose into awesomeness. I need to remember that more often. I need to hold onto that. Even on those days when I get a little down or frustrated, I am awesome. And there are so many great things still to come. For now, I need to keep writing. Keep working on making me the best me I can.

I find this reference especially interesting in the context of Lent and my Lenten commitment. For one, Lent kicks off with Ash Wednesday. Perhaps we are each our own phoenix in our own way every Lent. From ashes we can emerge as something even more great. With regard to my Lenten commitment, I am finding it a little easier each day. Over the weekend, I saw a post on Facebook: "Don't be the woman who needs a man, but be the woman a man needs." I liked it. I reposted it. And, I believe it. As I said in a previous post, I don't feel I need a man (though, I will reiterate the fact that I do feel a need for companionship). I do, however, want to continue to make myself the best possible woman I can be and in that, I will continue to work to make myself the kind of woman a man needs. A real man.

"Do you have a man yet?" Nope...

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I had breakfast with someone who is very dear to me. "Grandpa Joe" regards me as "one of (his) kids." Yet, it had been so incredibly long since I had last seen him. As we got caught up yesterday, he asked, "So, do you have a man yet?" I said, "Nope." The conversation continued.

As the conversation went on, I explained "I don't need a man. I can take care of myself and my kids. My kids are my priority." And a few other thoughts to that effect. And then I added (for the first time), "But I think I do need companionship."

That is the first time I used that word in that way. I think that this whole Lenten commitment is starting to sort through some of my thoughts and feelings. I had said to him, "Not that I'm not looking." Because, well, I am. I haven't seen the Guardian in a couple of weeks and the last time I saw him was while he helped me with a car issue. But 1) He's young. 2) I was low priority and I don't want to be low priority. 3) I don't want to be in the relationship driver's seat. It's time for some romance. That was lacking. Big time. I have been on a couple of dates. I have had friends suggest setting me up. (That was a first in my life and here 10 days later I'm not sure it's going to happen. And, that's ok.)

I say I don't need a man. And in most ways, I do not. But wow...there is a void that needs to be filled. All of my friends are married or in otherwise committed relationships. Not having single people to hang out with is sort of a bummer at times. But then there are girls' nights which rock my world and I am learning how to be "the single friend" in a group of couples and my self-dates are AWESOME!

But, I said what I did about companionship. I think I am finally discovering that I am lacking in that department and that is what I want and need. Grandpa Joe went on to tell me that the only regret he has is not remarrying after his wife of many, many years died. He was afraid no one could love him the way she did. But, he has found that he misses the companionship.

Companionship.

Hmm....

I am a young, beautiful, talented, vibrant woman. A friend texted me earlier this week and said I could stop traffic. I replied to her, "That's great! I just wish it were traffic other than the immigrant farm workers." Yes, I admit it...I have that part of me come out every so often. The old, dirty, sweaty, short guys buying their 40 ounce beers after work who whistle inappropriately are not the kind of traffic I want to stop. Let's start with the whole respect thing. Ahh...yes, respect.

Beggers can't be choosers? Ha! Good thing I'm not begging, right?! Looking, yes. Keeping my eye open, you bet. Taking a chance here and there, absolutely! But I'm not begging. God will put the right person in my path at the right time. Last week, I realized that could be days, weeks, months, or even years. And I am ok with that. I am a complete person. I do not need another person to complete me. I do want a companion at some point in my life. Sure, there are other needs as well. But I think they all fall under the umbrella of companionship. So, I remain committed to my Lenten journey. I will see what comes my way. I will make myself available. But, I'm not going chasing. And I'm not going to get myself in a frenzy over all of this relationship stuff. I'm going to see how things play out. Whatever will be, will be. Right?! I have high expectations, but they are not unrealistic. I like a guy who smells good. Oh, bestill my heart... I like a guy who wants to live life. I like a guy who...works. *gasp* He's out there...somewhere. Maybe along the way I'll make some new friends. Who knows?! But I am more at peace with all of this than I have been in quite some time. Just taking things a day at a time and working to seize opportunities as they present themselves.

Someone remind me of this when I start acting like a dork. Please.

Choose your motto, cliche, saying and run with it

Carpe Diem
Seize the Day
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
You only live once (or "YOLO" as I've heard some younger people summarize it)
Life is short
***

Yep, there are tons of sayings, mottos, and cliches that summarize my thinking for the week. I was driving home Monday afternoon thinking about possibly sending an email message to someone. As I debated whether or not to send it, and frankly, what exactly I wanted to say, I found myself pondering "you only live once." This has come up a few times within the past couple of weeks. I've thought of it. I've had a friend say it to me. It's been a part of my thinking, periodically but not daily.

I sent a text to a friend. "What are your thoughts on the idea of 'you only live once'?"
Then, I checked Facebook. There was a post from my sister-in-law. Her dad had been involved in an accident. She requested prayer. Even before more information emerged, I was already finding myself immersing in some more of these "Carpe Diem" thoughts. Something in me grew stronger in my resolve to actually seize the day. Upon arriving home, I decided to send that email and the words flowed from my fingertips. This morning, I texted that same friend and told her of the email I'd sent. In her response, she included "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." Affirmation.

I am taking this to heart and I am attempting to apply it to as many aspects of my life as possible. My sister-in-law's father did not survive the night. I got that news by text in the middle of the night, but did not see it until first thing in the morning. My heart broke. More affirmation. Live life fully. Life is short. We are not promised tomorrow.

I was supposed to have breakfast with someone dear to me this morning. I nearly requested putting it off. I reminded myself of my commitment to not put things off until tomorrow really and figuratively. I called. We arranged the time and place. I reconnected with "Grandpa Joe" and I am thankful I had. I did not realize until we sat there talking that we had not talked much and we had not seen each other since having lunch together last summer. I had put things off. Far too long. As we talked, I learned of recent deaths in my former community. I also learned of people in the hospital "not doing well" and many, many changes occurring. I again committed myself to not putting things off. Grandpa Joe and I should be having lunch in just a couple of weeks.

There is no time like the present.

As I watched news broadcasts tonight, an image of my nephew sitting on his grandpa's lap flashed across the screen, multiple times. It was surreal. I knew that man. That boy is my nephew. Is this really happening? My heart broke all over again for my sister-in-law. For her mom. For my niece. For the entire family. Being an empath, times like these are especially difficult. I soak up so much emotion and I sometimes have difficulty processing through it all. I find myself shedding tears without warning. I feel my own emotions, but I also feel for, or with, others. Huge tears streamed down my face as I watched a news story tonight. Please pray for my brother's family. They need all of the strength that only God can give them. And in this, I am also finding myself further moved...moved to continue to live and enjoy life as fully and completely as I can. To not put things off. To remember to say "thank you" and "I love you." I pray this sense of urgency remains even as the emotions transition or even fade in some ways.

For right this moment...I am committed to seizing the day. Carpe Diem

I have always believed that life is for living and I have always done my best to live it to the fullest. Over the past year or so, I have been more interested in taking more risks, but I do hesitate at times. But, as my friend said today, "nothing ventured, nothing gained." I am no worse off if I take a risk and not have it become something. I am, however, closing myself off to possibilities if I do not take those risks.

And, you are doing the same.

Take a risk (ok, let's keep it at reasonable risk).
Make a choice to LIVE life and LOVE fully.
Do not put things off.
Appreciate each moment. (Even things that don't turn out as we hope, turn out as they should.)
Closed doors, opened windows...each and every experience makes us who we are. And, God has a plan for us. A plan for you. A plan for me. A plan for each and every person. We need to allow ourselves to live out His plan for us.

Life is fragile.

Tell those you love that you love them.
Hug your children.
Call your dad.
Cut your mom's hair.
Fold laundry.
Enjoy a "Sunday dinner" on a Tuesday.
Embrace today for tomorrow is not promised.

I wonder what tomorrow has in store. I suppose I'll just have see if and when it arrives. And, when it does arrive, I will give thanks for another day. I am hopeful for Friday as well. I will work to seize the day and embrace an opportunity.

Today, as I talked with a parent after school, I was asked if I was ready for summer vacation.
Nope, not really.
"I'm good," I said. "I'm really good."
I look forward to Easter because I am excited about taking CD and Miss Hollywood camping. But I love my students, I love my school, and I am attempting to take each day as it comes. One day at a time.  I wouldn't change where I am or what I'm doing for anything right now. I choose to embrace it. To live it. To love it. And I hope to continue on my journey and meet my goal for this year of learning to love more fully and allowing myself to be loved more fully. Totally do-able. Right?! Yeah....totally.

So, which of the mottos, cliches, and sayings above do you choose? How will you roll with it? You aren't promised tomorrow, so you better choose now. Adopt it. Embrace it. Live it.