I had heard of "The Vagina Monologues" long ago. I didn't really know what it was and, frankly, the title both intimidated and intrigued me. When I would see it, I would think, "oh, that might be something to see." Of course, then I wouldn't. I wasn't really going to shows anyway, so it was easy to put off seeing it. I learned today that the Center Stage Conservatory did a production of it about two years ago. It was staged at The State Theater. That brought on some interesting thoughts as I watched the show today. Two years ago, I was in an entirely different place in my life. There is no way I would have watched this show the way I did today. There is no way it would have impacted me the way it did. There is no way I would have been as receptive to some of the things. There is no way I was ready for this two years ago.
I have followed various women's rights, domestic violence, and One Billion Rising groups on Facebook for quite awhile now. I've added to it in recent months, and I am stronger, healthier, and happier than I have been in years! I needed to see this production at this point in my life. I could relate to so much. And, thanks to my awesome sense of humor, I laughed. I laughed hard! It felt so good!
The cast included first time actresses as well as experienced actresses. The stories as written were awesome in themselves, but as presented, they were moving and they brought about every bit of range of emotion as you would expect. It was as if these ladies were sharing their own personal stories. Because, in their roles, they were. Many of them were in some way like the characters they portrayed or could otherwise relate. They stood together, united. They truly became their characters.
"Reclaiming Cunt" was particularly impressive! The way it was written and the way it was presented was incredible! Claudia Linares had me almost ready to in fact reclaim the word. I laughed and enjoyed it. You still won't find me using "the C-word" though. Yet, it was great to see it in a different light than one typically hears it.
I probably laughed most during "My Angry Vagina" and interestingly, I cried hardest when actress Sarah Stone Keath shared her own, very personal story at the end of the show.
"I was There in the Room" made me quite reflective. It was fascinating, as a mother, to hear the perspective of someone else present for a birth. It made me sad all over again that two of my three deliveries were C-section. The one vaginal birth I had was with my stillborn son. In just under two weeks, I will mark the fourth anniversary of this event and I have been struggling for a couple of weeks as I've been thinking a lot about him and that experience. To hear Elda Coleman present this monologue took me back to my three deliveries. As amazing as they were, they were also heartbreaking. She provided such a beautiful picture -- with a sprinkling of humor -- of what childbirth should be like. It saddens me some that I will never experience that and that no one was present who would have captured it quite the same way. Yet, the end result is still beautiful. How blessed am I! So, I smiled, and even laughed, more than anything. What a wonderful thing!
This show had something for absolutely every woman. It had something for most men. Really, every man should consider seeing this show. They could learn from it. And the end was so powerful. As Briana Grace Hammerstrom presented "Rising," it was a sort of call to arms. As the women gathered on stage at the end, I was half-tempted to stand up with them. Here is where things got really interesting. To hear things I've said come out of the mouths of others...to say I could relate would be an extreme understatement. The essay I will read at Haven on April 24 will detail much of my personal account, but it may lack emphasis on one very important thing. Why I left. Why I rise. I have said again and again that I could NOT allow my son to grow up thinking it was ok to treat women the way I had been treated nor could I allow my daughter to grow up thinking it was ok for her (or any woman) to be treated that way. I took the steps I took not only for myself, but most especially for them. They deserve better than what we were living. And they are already seeing better, living better.
When Keath shared her story, I could relate in so many ways. Her children were five and two. Mine were four and one. I could hear my story and the stories of other women I have met in groups as she shared hers. The essay I will share at the Take Back the Night event later this month is a part of the premise for one of the books I am working on. In it, I describe my journey and discuss how I repeatedly said I was "just" emotionally (also mentally) abused and manipulated. I also discuss how often the emotional scars far outlast physical ones. No form of abuse, of domestic violence, is better or worse than another. They all suck. And they all come back to power and control.
S and I have discussed this off and on for two years now. We still sometimes wonder how strong, intelligent women like us get caught up in these sorts of relationships. It just doesn't make sense. Hindsight, of course, as we all know is 20/20. A few days ago, I was thinking back to when I first took the step from friendship to dating (if it can be called that) relationship all those years ago. It all started with a very emotional plea of sorts, from him. It wasn't the first time my emotions were played by that person. But at the time, I didn't see it as a play, or a tactic. I saw it as someone who was sympathetic and empathetic in ways like I have always been. I could beat myself up over it all. I could ask things such as, "what was I thinking" or "how could I have allowed that to happen." But I choose to not live in the past, but rather live FOR the future. Yes, I can look at some of these things and learn from them. For one, if the chemistry isn't there, I'm not going to try to create it. Chemistry is key and it cannot be forced or created. It just has to be there. I am not going to settle. And, dammit, if a guy wants to be with me, he will need to take me out. I like to get out. I like to be social. I can do evenings at home and enjoy quiet and peace together, but if I ever find that I am closing off from who I am and the things I enjoy, everyone around me has permission to point it out to me, but also, I am strong enough and aware enough to walk away. Walk away early. And go far, far away.
When I talked briefly with Keath after the show, I shared just a couple of pieces of my story. She encouraged me to talk about, to share my story. I let her know that I intend to do just that. I've already started. It's time to really get the ball rolling on my writing projects!
Bravo, to the cast of "The Vagina Monologues!" This is a show I would like to see again. I wish there were still more performances to come. But, I look forward to one day seeing it again with another cast just to compare and to see how much the venue, cast, and all involved impact it all. This is something I would like to read. This is a show I think would be great to be a part of at some point.
And, not only bravo to this cast, but THANK YOU! Thank you for bringing Eve Ensler's words alive! Thank you for supporting Haven. Thank you to the cast, the crew, and the audiences for working to support the community resource that is unfortunately needed greatly. They do good work and deserve every bit of support they can get. Thank you to Haven for being there.
The Take Back the Night event is Wednesday, April 24 at 5:30 p.m. in Modesto. Please come, if you can.
Interestingly, one of my goals for 2013 is to participate in (if not help co-ordinate) a flash mob. I had hoped to do something with Haven. Then I heard about One Billion Rising. That's incredibly similar what I was thinking. If I hadn't had to work February 14, I would have gone to San Francisco to participate there. I guess I'll need to explore this further in another way. I still want to do it. Just the how and where need some figuring out. Hmm...
From Break the Chain lyrics:
You’ve never owned me, don’t even know me I’m not invisible, I’m simply wonderful I feel my heart for the first time racing I feel alive, I feel so amazing
(This is almost exactly like something I wrote early last year in an art project.)
Also this strikes me:
This is my body, my body’s holy
No more excuses, no more abuses
We are mothers, we are teachers,
We are beautiful, beautiful creatures
All of this makes it clear that I don't have to "reinvent the wheel," but I will rise. There are so many stories to tell and so much information to gather. I will create from within, but I can use the resources available and talk to others and really make this work. Remember, there's a Pulitzer waiting for me at the end of this book writing journey.
Maya Angelou wrote in her poem "Still I Rise" (a long-time favorite):
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Like the phoenix, I rise.
I rise. You can too.
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