Project Reboot

I've had floods of thoughts the past few weeks and yet, I've blogged nothing. Not one thought. I'm processing so much, but neglecting my writing. I thought I had gotten back on track. Apparently, I derailed again. Three weeks! Three weeks since my last blog!

I could try to catch up, but I think it is best, perhaps, to just reboot. I'll start here. I'll start now. Certainly there will be appearances from things of the past few weeks, but I will not go back and try to recreate all of the blog entries I've written in my head.

Rather, I will discuss some of the journey I have been on during this time. Some of this is better suited for a "Journey of Trust" entry, so that shall be done after this one.

One thing has become apparent to me. I do not have the hang of the whole dating thing. Not at all. I've read a couple of articles recently. One suggested that men actually want a "break" from doing the asking (the "chasing"?) and that women should step up more. I've tried this. This is part of my nature. I see something I want, someone I like, and I go for it. The problem here is, that I have always done this and I want, for a change, for someone to show more initiative. Still, I continue to do some asking. So, if the guys are all tired of being shot down and I'm tired of spinning my wheels...we have a problem. A big one. If I'm not doing the asking and they aren't doing the asking, then there is no dating happening. Then I think, what if the article is flawed? Bah! I know I can be intimidating with some of my go-getter attitude. So, that is, in part, why during Lent, I tried to take a step back.

What I found was that I was ok with a date every now and then. I also found, I HATE first dates. I am tired of first dates. A friend pointed out that having lots of first dates is probably better than having second dates with people I don't click with. I get that. I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to waste their time. Time wasted is just that, time wasted. That doesn't serve anyone's best interest. But, I'm not going to pursue a bunch of first dates. I'm going to spend time with people I like. Where it all ends up, who knows. But, I'm done putting myself out "there" again and again and again for pointless first dates. And dating sites, ugh! One repeatedly suggested "matches" for me that didn't make sense. I have children. Why would a computer match me with someone who doesn't want to date a woman who has children from a previous relationship? Still, though, I have to admit that some interesting things have happened in my life because I went ahead and gave it a try. ok, admittedly...gave it a second try. I don't know what the right way to do this all is. I can just be me. I can be the best me I can be. And then, just see what happens. I think what I especially don't like is pressure. Pressure to impress. The past couple of encounters (there's one that I don't even know if it was a date, but I had a fantastic time) have been low-pressure. One, I realized was kind of like being out with a friend. It was fun. But, definitely more friend than anything else. We got together again later and it was the same sort of thing. And then...*POOF* He was gone. Guess he didn't want a friend? That's cool. I wish him well, wherever he is. Great guy, except for the whole "poofing" thing. At least have the courtesy to say something. I am finding, both dating and otherwise, that I really enjoy being surrounded by positive people. People who lift me up just with their presence. (More on this in a moment.) And, there is at least one person who, if it's not a dating thing, I certainly welcome the friendship.

There is one relationship I have down, I think. Well, sort of anyway. My relationship with my son. When he was six-months-old, I started taking him with me on Saturday mornings for coffee, breakfast, to cover stories. We made a date of it. When I was pregnant with Miss Hollywood, these dates were even more important to me. In the past two years, our dates became more sporadic, but I still try to set aside time for CD. Today, we spent the majority of the day together doing some different outings. We went to a parade, a baseball event, a bookstore, and even bought bagels for tomorrow's breakfast then planned and shopped for tonight's dinner. In the midst of this all, I asked him, "Do you know what's awesome?" He responded, "Our dates!?" That made my day. More than any one thing we have ever done together, what made me smile bigger and bigger was that he was verbalizing his appreciation for this special time we spend together. We've done this for most of his life. It is important to me because I know it is important FOR him. But to hear him say that it is important TO him means the world to me. I felt that I must be doing something right. Whether we do something simple such as go for coffee (he gets hot chocolate, of course) or a full day of events...we are both enjoying time well spent together. Shoot, we enjoy spending time together, period. It truly is awesome.

I handed over a lot of relationship stuff during Lent. I gave it up for Lent, in a way. I decided to take myself out of the "driver's seat" and allow myself to experience relationships: family, friends, dating...all of it. I did this generally and with a few specific relationships. It was an emotional journey. On the Monday after Easter, as a group of people worked to remove my car from a rock (yeah...that was a wee-bit stressful)...I walked. I hiked. I talked with God. I yelled at God. I cried. I cried some more. And then, I sat silent. It was all coming together for me. The past few weeks had been quite a journey. And, I am finding that still now, the journey continues. There are relationships that have been far too negative. I am putting less energy into those. I am in no position to waste my time or energy on relationships that bring me down. (After spending 13 years putting my all into a negative relationship and finding the awful toll it took on me, I absolutely refuse to to put myself in any position where I find any bit of it happening again.) It's draining. Instead, I focus on those relationships that fill me and encourage me. New people have entered my life in the past few weeks and they have brought positive things to me, but also brought positive things out in me. I am feeling myself reconnect more and more with...ME! And, I love me! And, I need to love me. I can't love you if I don't love me.

Within the past week or so, a couple of high school friends have been in communication with me. Without the age of social media, I would not have reconnected with many of these people. So, I am thankful for the role social media has played. I am also thankful for the positive changes I have made in my life that have allowed me to reconnect more truly and honestly with people who I think have something to contribute in a positive way.

In the next few weeks, big changes are coming and I suspect I will have a very clear idea of what the immediate future holds. I described it in a Facebook post last night:
The best analogy I have come up with today is this: My life is akin to the following. I am at a poker table. No cards dealt. I go all in. The dealer picks up the deck of cards and tosses them in the air. No matter what, I will put everything into and win this hand. It's just that I don't know what my hand is and I am grabbing cards out of the air. I am "all in" for my future, but there are many doors opening and seeing where it all comes together will be interesting. No matter what, though, I will win. A blog will come...soon.

And so, here is the blog post. I am finding the majority of jobs available for me to apply for are out of this immediate area. I can't afford to not apply, and so I am. They are all in a particular area, which I find interesting in itself. At the same time, there are a few jobs here and I am applying for those as well. Some closer than others. I have also decided to audition for a play, for the first time in over 15 years! The outcomes of these job applications and the play audition will essentially tell me where I am supposed to be. I am happy with whatever direction this goes and I am prepared to give it all I've got. I am future focused. I am goal-oriented. While I don't have it all figured out, nor will I ever even pretend as if I do, I do know that my future is bright. There are big things happening. And I am so excited! I will do something great. Among the great things I will accomplish, I will win a Pulitzer. I gave myself a target date for this that falls ahead of my 40th birthday. I can and will do this. An action arrow has been created and a visualization board is coming within the next few days. This will happen only if I fully commit to it. And so, I commit to it. I did the other night when I wrote it down and I commit to it again, here. Now.

Bottom line: I am thankful for good people in my life and I am certain amazing things are to come!