I will survive!

Gloria Gaynor had it, man.

"At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could ever live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong And I grew strong and I learned how to get along..."

When this song played while I was out with friends last spring, I heard it in a whole new way and it became my anthem for a moment.

I WILL SURVIVE.

And yet, I will do more than survive. I WILL LIVE. I WILL BE ALIVE.

I just endured some difficult days. With the visitation schedule the way it was, my children spent more (day)time with their dad than they did with me. That part was ok with me mostly. I was even ok with being alone on Christmas Day. Mostly.

But something stirred in me on Saturday and the impending funk I had felt two weeks before suddenly was upon me and it sucked. I cried. I screamed. I cussed. I vented to my best friend. I didn't like it. Too much alone time will do that to an extrovert, I think. But compact that with it being holidays and people talking about the importance of family. And suddenly realizing that you have been completely and utterly alone hurts. It hurts bad. That same day, S went through a difficult day. When her SO ended up in the hospital that day just was I was emerging from that funk it put things in a different perspective for me. First and foremost, I was not alone. Secondly, some of my alone time had been self-imposed. I could have gone out. No one, nothing said I had to spend all of my time at home. I chose it. I set goals. I worked to achieve them. But everything kept me home. And once I reached out to friends, I suddenly found myself with places to go and things to do. So the deepest, darkest day of this holiday season (which really wasn't all that bad) was followed immediately by two spectacular days and there is more to come. Later this week I will throw myself into some work. I have lesson planning and grading to do before returning to work Monday. Suddenly, I feel a shortage of time. Funny how that works, But I will get through it and I will do that which needs doing.

As 2012 comes to a close, I look back and smile. It wasn't easy. I wouldn't have wanted an easy year, in fact. It was a great year with trials and triumphs. It was a year of self-discovery, self-love, and spreading that to those I love. My children, my family, my friends are all better because I am better. I am more me than I have been in years. This is something worth celebrating.

Then, as I sat with a friend at lunch today, she pointed out the year ahead is "my year." I will turn 36 in March. This is my year. It is the year of the snake in the Chinese Zodiac. I've decided to embrace that. It is my year. MY YEAR!

My goals are set.
My mind is right.
My heart is big.
My hopes are high.

Life is so good. And that is what I want to take into the new year. I want to start the new year with hope and happiness and make more of it happen. My goals are there to be met. They are achievable goals. I will do it.

Tomorrow is "just another day." Or is it? I believe it is what we want it to be. Tomorrow is what the desires of our heart want.

I started the book that S and My Chico are reading and my eyes quickly jumped to the two quotes Sheils Walsh chose for starting Chapter 2. Perfect as the new year approaches.

"I suppose when we wake up on January 1 the world will look the same. But there is a reminder of the Resurrection at the start of each New Year, each new decade. That's why I also like sunrises, Mondays, and new seasons. God seems to be saying, 'With me you can always start afresh.'" 
-Ada Lum

And this gem from Isaiah 43:18-19 is PERFECT!
"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it?"

Folks, a new year is upon us. Let's rock it!

An "AH-HA!" moment on a somber day

Today was an interesting day. As I entered the faculty room, many teachers sat discussing the events of Friday's school shooting that took place clear on the other side of the country. the discussion included guns, mental illness, children, our own school, safety plans, things we can do to keep our students safer, parenting...you name it. For a moment, I had blocked it from my thoughts. A brief moment, but a moment nonetheless. I exited the faculty room to make copies, returned to the faculty room, then grabbed my things and headed down the hall. Suddenly, it hit me that I would see the faces of my amazing, innocent second graders for the first time since hearing the news on Friday. I choked up, but quickly sucked it up and headed into the classroom. As I entered the room, I felt as though I were walking into the dream I had early Friday morning. I shook it off and moved forward. Then, as I exited the room to go make other copies, three of my students started engaging me. I knelt down beside them and talked to them. These were the three students who were most prominent in my dream. It freaked me out a bit. I didn't let it show, but I found it odd and it rattled me a bit. I experienced a wide range of emotions today.

The students and I had a fantastic afternoon. They loved the project I had them work on today. In small groups, they designed newspaper front pages featuring "stories" of the things we've learned so far this school year. I used packing paper from a book order I received recently and showed them an example that we worked on as a class. The oversized newspaper front pages went over quite well and the students demonstrated their learning very well, plus they got more experience working co-operatively.

After the students left, I did some general prep and sharpened pencils (I shed a few more tears for the lives lost in Connecticut as sharpened pencils), then immersed myself in taking down my November bulletin board (another student project) and putting up the newspapers to display. I straightened up a few things, keeping their leaves of thanks from the previous board in a can on my desk, and headed on my way. It was a cold, quiet, somber walk down the hall. I took pride in the day I experienced with my students and the work I had done in the classroom, but still fel a bit unnerved by the faculty discussion and the experience of actually stepping into a part of a dream I had just a couple of days ago.

In the meantime, S spent the day sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting for her SO while he underwent surgery. We texted off and on throughout the day. I kept them both in thought and prayer. I offered her words of encouragement and we swapped some book ideas. I exited the school building and turned the corner coming face-to-face with rose bushes in full bloom. I had never noticed them before and there they were in full bloom in the middle of winter! I couldn't help but stop. So, I did. I stopped, and smelled the roses. Then, the captivating beauty was too much to just walk away from, so I snapped a picture to capture the moment. I needed it. I shared it with S and The Guardian.

I drove toward home and stayed reflective and a bit somber. My rock station played in the background, but I wasn't really in a "rock out" sort of mood. I eventually switched to the "pop" station and as I neared CD's daycare, Hunter Hayes' "Wanted" came on. For the first time since The Guardian entered over two months ago, this song hit me hard. The idea of feeling wanted appeals to me. Intermittently, I get that from The Guardian. The difficulty I have is the occasional long periods of time between visits due to schedule issues. I just saw him Friday. There was no reason for me to feel all silly and sappy. I felt stupid really, in a way. And yet, I cried. I suppose it was a day for crying. Once again, the unfortunate part of being an empath is that I experience days like today. I'm not quite in a funk, and I hope to avoid getting into one. There really is no reason for ending up in a funk. I need to focus on the good, the blessings, the love, the hope, the future.

I wiped my tears, picked up CD, picked up Miss Hollywood, and headed home. I got a call that CD has been selected for a special Christmas-time that the Lions and Soroptomists do and I find it exciting. This is a very positive thing for CD. He is thrilled! And I believe this special evening that he will have is just what he needs right now. I wish the ex was able to share in my enthusiasm. Unfortunately, it does not appear as though he does. At least he has agreed to make sure CD will be here in time for the special outing he has, since it falls on a visitation day.

One very bright spot in my day was having an AH-HA moment following this morning's blog post. I have found that I think I Corinthians 13 should be the faith thread of the book S and I are working on and I believe it will work well for many reasons. In fact, this realization led me to coming up with a working title for the book which excites me.

Today has been a great day! Tears and all....

I said goodbye to my brother and his family, which is bitter-sweet for sure. This starts a new chapter in their lives and I am thrilled for them. I was thankful for the opportunity to help see them on their way. I will miss them, of course. I already do. Then I had a fantastic day at work. I shared prayers and support with S. I loved on my babies. I created a dinner that came together nicely and CD enjoyed. The AH-HA moment thrilled me earlier in the day. The Guardian and I exchanged some texts. I sang Miss Hollywood to sleep with Christmas songs. My boy requested that I snuggle with him. Life really is good...even if I had to clean baby powder off of a cork floor and experienced a couple of cries. Life is good.

Love; loving, and hoping even if it means potential heartbreak

In the midst of a day that rattled nerves across the United States, I was having a great day. I started by dropping off my children as I normally do, with a minor exception. I took CD directly to school rather than to daycare where his daycare provider would take him to school for me. As it turned out, my dad had an appointment and both kids wanted to eat Cheerios with Papa. I changed course late in our morning routine and opted to take CD to school myself. I had overslept slightly. I fell back asleep after my alarm went off. During that time, I had a very vivid dream that involved a few of my students and my son. I awoke from it at 6:30 a.m.

I dropped him off at school after delivering Miss Hollywood to her daycare. Then I was ready to start my day. I had a breakfast date with The Guardian. I was looking forward to it. Once I finished getting myself ready for a long day ahead, I headed off on my way. On the way, a local radio station did a give-away of some Giants stuff. I had to give it a shot. So, I did. I almost gave up after getting a busy signal repeatedly, but suddenly, the phone rang and the DJs answered. I was able to answer their trivia question and I won. It was awesome!

The Guardian and I had a nice breakfast together. We talked, we ate, we talked some more. I gave him a few things I had picked up for him over the past few weeks. It started as a Christmas gift of sorts, but I really was unsure how I felt about giving a Christmas gift. It was just a few small items. Some bread I got in San Francisco, some candles that I thought were cool, a bottle of wine that I look forward to sharing. When we parted ways, I still had some time to kill before heading up to work for a luncheon. So, I stopped at Target and finished up some Christmas shopping. I returned to the car and headed on my way, but I managed to check Facebook where I saw some status updates that intrigued me. They referred to a news story, I guessed, that most people likely had heard. I, however, had not. So, I turned on the radio. It was then that I first heard of the school shooting that rattled a Connecticut town and the entire United States. Suddenly, I found myself bursting into tears. I turned the station, pulled myself together and went to the luncheon at work. The first grade teacher turned to me at one point, “Did you hear what happened this morning?” I answered in the affirmative, of course.

We didn't speak much of it after that. The staff and the parish family had a fantastic time together. As things started to wind down, I gathered up my things. I stopped in my classroom to grab a few items. Then, I headed out. On the drive back to my neck of the woods, I started processing the dream I had after falling back asleep that morning.

I was first with a small group of my students. I was engaging them in a very positive manner. I was affirming them. I was assuring them. I felt so good being surrounded by my students. (Note: the night before we had our Christmas pageant and it had gone so well. I went to bed exhausted and very happy as I was extremely proud of my students. I had also experienced an awesome moment when just before we went over to the church for the pageant. A student said to me, “I was hoping you'd be here. I'm so happy you came!”) Then I turned from my students and realized I was volunteering in my son's classroom. It was the end of my volunteer time and I walked over to CD saying, “My love, it's time for me to go.” (Note: I call him “my love” very rarely, and usually at very special moments.) I referred to him as “my love” several more times before this dream ended. What I found a bit odd, or interesting, was that I woke up from this dream at 6:30 a.m. and the first 911 call reportedly was made in Connecticut just about ten minutes after that (9:41 a.m. CT time).

I am a mother. I am a teacher. As both a mother and a teacher, I am having an incredibly difficult time processing what happened in Newtown, Connecticut. As I drove home Friday afternoon, I turned to NPR where I heard a report during which a journalist recounted a story of having discussed the events and the aftermath with a member of the Catholic Church clergy. It involved talking with a little boy who was just starting to understand that his sister had been killed. “Who am I going to play with,” the boy asked the clergy. I could not hold back tears. I had visions of CD and Miss Hollywood and instantly my heart ached, tears streamed. I felt sad for everyone, but especially for that young boy. I had to change the station back to a music station if I was going to make it through the rest of the afternoon. So, I did.

I went about my business. I had my nails done, picked up CD and Miss Hollywood from their respective daycares, and took them to a birthday party for one of their friends. For an empath like me, the day was hard and I was on extreme overload.

On Sunday night, CD started to have a meltdown. Play time was over. It was quiet time. It was time to settle in for the evening, but he didn't think he was ready for it. He acted out. At one point, he said he was mad at everybody. At that point, I pulled him into my arms, picked him up, and sat holding him. He calmed almost immediately as my arms wrapped gently around him. As we sat in a chair, I focused on just holding him. Then I looked him in the eye and said to him, “I love you. I love you very much. Even when you're mad at me, or mad at everybody, I love you. Even when you hit, kick, pinch, hit, try to bite, hit some more, I love you. You are always mama's favorite number one boy and I always love you. I love you!” He received it better than he has at other times. The hugs, the love, the care. He received it all. And he sat calmly with my arms around him. And I know he will be ok. We will be ok. Even on bad days, we will be ok.

I Corinthians 13:4-7 “ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

A common theme here in my blog appears to be love.

Two of my goals for 2013 involve love. 1) To love more fully and 2) To allow myself to BE loved more fully. The second of those may actually be harder than the first.

I have discovered within the last week that I have been extremely guarded with The Guardian. It is as if I have a wall around my heart. The positive in this, for me, is that by doing so, I have been calmer in dealing with things as they come. I have taken risks, but remained calm. I have opened myself up a little, but remained calm. I have not grown too attached. I started to let my guard down a bit the past couple of days and I am still a bit calm, but I am more nervous as I open up more. This may or may not have anything to do with my love goals for 2013. I don't know. What I do know is that at some point, that wall will need to come down. My past cannot define me. I cannot enter the future fearfully. I must open up myself and take more risks and not be afraid of getting hurt. I realize that as an emotional dreamer who was more than once said to wear her heart on her sleeve, I will get hurt along the way. That is a part of life, a part of who I am. But I cannot fear it. For now, I will focus on this part of that verse from I Corinthians “love....HOPES ALL THINGS.”

Hope.

I need more hope.

At times like these, hope seems difficult, but we all must remain hopeful, especially for the future. We do not know what the future holds. For all we know, the end of the Mayan calendar does spell the end of the world. Or perhaps, simply, it spells the end of the world as we know it and even greater things are still to come. Today I want to hold on to hope and use that hope to open myself up for love. Even if it means getting hurt in the process. I can do this. I can. Now, will I?

If you leave your heart somewhere, surely you should follow it

As the song says, "I left my heart in San Francisco." There are three places I need to go every so often because they bring me balance: Chico, the Foothills or the Ranch (hiking possibilities, outdoors, fresh air), and San Francisco. I was overdo for a good SF trip. I hate when people refer to it as "Frisco," but I did catch an interesting piece of trivia. Apparently sailors called it "Frisco." So, I will be more forgiving of my brother for saying it. Otherwise, it still annoys me. I lovingly call it The City. The Bay air, the beautiful sights, all of it bring me alive and fill me and prepare me for whatever is yet to come in their very own ways. And thus, a blog post was born...

Every so often, you need to take time for yourself and for friends and for life. Period.

This is something that thankfully, with the help and support from my parents, I am able to do. It takes weeks, sometimes months of planning, but they will watch the kids for me for a night or two while I have a therapeutic adventure. This weekend's adventure took me to my favorite city in the world: San Francisco. All of my recent trips here (this year), have included the children in one way or another. We have some great fun in San Francisco this year. CD and I made it to two Giants games. We saw the USS Nimitz in the San Francisco Bay. We discovered a great “dive” with awesome food where I also drank my first Anchor Steam. I have become more and better acquainted with the area around the Embarcadero and I don't get quite as lost trying to find my way back onto the Bay Bridge when it comes time to depart. I have walked more in this City this year than I've walked anywhere in a very long time. I love it.

So, S and I set out on a working adventure. Our second working adventure with a strong twist of celebration this year. We are finding that we need these trips and we hope to take one or two of them each year for the foreseeable future. I also hope to get S to move up this way, but that will come later.

The work came in many forms. One, we are continuing our post-divorce research of ourselves and how we function as we continue to emerge and assert ourselves in our rediscovered selves, in our freedom. It is interesting to see what I learn of myself. Risk taking is becoming a huge part of my life. I need to take more risks. Not big huge risks. I won't be jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge or something crazy like that. However, I do want to take more plunges. I want to take more risks in the way of relationships. I need it. I also need to continue to discover my assertive side a bit more. I did this in a few different ways on our trip to San Francisco. I will share them in a moment.

We interviewed each other some. I wrote some. We talked a TON. We turned off our phones for four hours to focus on the here and now, allowing ourselves to be truly present in the present. It was wonderful! I sought some financial advice and we briefly discussed my goals list for 2013 and how to write up one or two of my financial goals. We had a meeting to network for S and to catch up with someone she has a working relationship history with which allowed her to explore more ways to move into the future and I felt confident in participating in some of the discussion. It was a very nice breakfast experience. We explored our silly sides, too. We went to Macy's where we visited Santa and had our pictures taken then giggled our way through some pictures with a Justin Bieber cutout at a bar. Huh?! Weird, but fun and laughter felt so good! UT friend JL joined us for that. It was incredibly awesome! I loved it. We ate at the Public House, split a burger at Red's and walked more than eight miles in one day then close to three more miles Sunday morning. We explored. We lived. WE LIVED! I could not be more thankful for this weekend.

The risks: I approached a young man sitting alone at Public House, explained that I am taking more risks and said hello. That was it. Very public, very safe, and all I did was say hi, introduce myself, get his name, and walk away. I wasn't interested in anything more than just offering a greeting. So I did. I asked some random employee of one of the Wharf businesses if I could borrow his Segway, laughed and went on my way. I haggled with a street vendor and got a couple of bucks off a t-shirt for Miss Hollywood. I encouraged S to walk up a make-shift pathway for a photo op, then I did it myself and when someone started to kind of joke about our photo adventure, I said, “hey! Don't knock the most awesome person on Earth!” They just kept walking. I said “good morning!” to a group of nuns because the mood struck me, and in unison they responded, “Good morning! God Bless you!” I felt filled. Imagine if I had not said good morning to them. We are given incredible, amazing, awesome lives to live, explore, love...we must do our part to be in it and to do just that. If I am going to take more risks in my relationships, then I also need to not be afraid to to just go out and live. It's ok to say good morning to people. I had my picture taken with a guy in a Dalmation costume with three dogs. I ate a hot fudge sundae after eating way too much other food. I had a glass of wine instead of a cup of coffee to close out my Saturday night. I sent some random (and some not-so-random) texts to The Guardian and had fun with them. I walked well over 10 miles in a 24-hour period because it just made sense. And it felt good. I do not hurt the way I would have as recently as three years ago. I feel good. I smile. Yes, I'm a little stiff, but I'm not sore. Yes, I'm a little tired, but I feel so alive. These are the days that count but they only really count if we make them count. We need to live for each and every moment. There is no time to waste wondering “what if” this, that, and the other thing. If we look back and say, “I wonder what would have happened if...” we will never really know. If we sit and think “What if I tried...” Screw it! Just try it. I sat around pondering what to say to someone and then I realized, it did not matter. It wasn't about what I said, it was that I said something. So, I did. And I felt great inside.

Now, I will go home, sit down with my two sweet babies, and tell them that their dog died. It will suck. To say that it will be difficult is an understatement. However, I feel better equipped to do it now than I did before. And I will have hugs and love and support for them. And they will be ok. We will be ok. Life will be better than ok. It will be great. We must take all of these moments and live them fully.

As 2012 comes to a close and as I continue to look over my goals for the year to come, I feel good, confident, and happy about the year ahead. 2013 is going to be a GREAT year! I intend to do my part to make it such. How about you?

Gone to the dogs

The photo to accompany the coming blog.

That's a wrap: goal setting pays off

Late last year, I began a list of goals. I broke the list into categories: Physically, Emotionally, Family, Mentally, Financially. The main header for this goal list was "Healthier 2012."

Some of the goals overlapped and I listed them in all of the categories where they fit. I also set dates for some of the goals while listing others as "ongoing." Off to the right side, I made a section where I could write in Goal tending activities and such, things I would do to tend my goals and thus help me accomplish them. Some of the goals had to be modified slightly here and there, but most modifications were complete by February.

I struggled most with the financial goals, though overall, I was able to accomplish them. Only one goal remains incomplete as of today and that is getting a new-to-us vehicle. I started looking at what type of vehicle I would like for us, but there were circumstances beyond my control that did not permit me to quite see this one through. Though, steps were taken to make it more possible. It will roll over into 2013 and I will certainly see it through. Otherwise, though, I accomplished my goals. I am, therefore, declaring full and complete success.

I first learned more fully about goal setting and goal tending during a marketing training I did a few years ago. I believe very strongly in doing it and I believe that goal setting, and the related tending, can make a huge difference. I will set up my 2013 goals just the same as I did for 2012 and I will commit myself to meeting those goals.

Life is good. Life will continue to be good and I am hoping will even continue to get better. I am imperfect, but I know that and take that into account as I navigate through this life. I pray. I try Feng Shui. I write down my goals. I read. I reach out when I need help or support. I believe in myself. I believe in what I am doing. I trust where and when I can. I want the best for myself and my children. Therefore, I will work for it.

The weekend ahead will bring me the opportunity to do a little more in the way of careful financial planning and goal setting for 2013. At the same time, I will have the opportunity to write, to blog, to organize my thoughts, to have fun, to embrace someone I love who I haven't seen in nine months. S is part of my rock. I do not know where I would be today without her. This weekend, we will wrap up 2012 and all of its highs and lows. This weekend we will explore a city we love. It will be a working weekend full of fun and joy. I am more thankful for this opportunity than words can express. My hope is that My Chico will have the opportunity to join us for at least part of the weekend, but I am mentally and emotionally strong enough to handle it if circumstances prevent it.

One of the things S and I want to do this weekend is to visit Santa and share with him our hopes for Christmas. In a way, this is another part of goal setting for me. I will share with a total stranger some of my deepest wants (well, sort of) and I will embrace the childlike faith and hope of the Christmas season. S will do it too. We will do it together. Just as we have navigated this adventure of divorce, self-discovery, rediscovery, personal growth, hope, trust, faith for the past 18 months (plus) together.

With less than 30 days left in 2012, the time to look over past goals, celebrate victories, and set new goals has arrived.

There has been lots of talk of the world ending on December 21, 2012. All because the Mayan calendar ends. I for one hope that is not the case. However, one of the things I have done over the past 18 months is I have chosen to LIVE life. As I've written recently, I want to live life more fully and now I feel myself coming alive again. If you live each day to the fullest, if you appreciate each moment for what it offers, then what does it matter what happens December 21, or any other day tomorrow. None of us is promised tomorrow. So, while I will set goals and I will work to achieve those goals, there are two bottom lines for me: 1) live each day to the fullest and appreciate what I can and 2) remember each and every day that I AM AWESOME!

From this year's goal list: