In the midst of a day that rattled
nerves across the United States, I was having a great day. I started
by dropping off my children as I normally do, with a minor exception.
I took CD directly to school rather than to daycare where his daycare
provider would take him to school for me. As it turned out, my dad
had an appointment and both kids wanted to eat Cheerios with Papa. I
changed course late in our morning routine and opted to take CD to
school myself. I had overslept slightly. I fell back asleep after my
alarm went off. During that time, I had a very vivid dream that
involved a few of my students and my son. I awoke from it at 6:30
a.m.
I dropped him off at school after
delivering Miss Hollywood to her daycare. Then I was ready to start
my day. I had a breakfast date with The Guardian. I was looking
forward to it. Once I finished getting myself ready for a long day
ahead, I headed off on my way. On the way, a local radio station did
a give-away of some Giants stuff. I had to give it a shot. So, I did.
I almost gave up after getting a busy signal repeatedly, but
suddenly, the phone rang and the DJs answered. I was able to answer
their trivia question and I won. It was awesome!
The Guardian and I had a nice breakfast
together. We talked, we ate, we talked some more. I gave him a few
things I had picked up for him over the past few weeks. It started as
a Christmas gift of sorts, but I really was unsure how I felt about
giving a Christmas gift. It was just a few small items. Some bread I
got in San Francisco, some candles that I thought were cool, a bottle
of wine that I look forward to sharing. When we parted ways, I still
had some time to kill before heading up to work for a luncheon. So, I
stopped at Target and finished up some Christmas shopping. I returned
to the car and headed on my way, but I managed to check Facebook
where I saw some status updates that intrigued me. They referred to a
news story, I guessed, that most people likely had heard. I, however,
had not. So, I turned on the radio. It was then that I first heard of
the school shooting that rattled a Connecticut town and the entire
United States. Suddenly, I found myself bursting into tears. I turned
the station, pulled myself together and went to the luncheon at work.
The first grade teacher turned to me at one point, “Did you hear
what happened this morning?” I answered in the affirmative, of
course.
We didn't speak much of it after that.
The staff and the parish family had a fantastic time together. As
things started to wind down, I gathered up my things. I stopped in my
classroom to grab a few items. Then, I headed out. On the drive back
to my neck of the woods, I started processing the dream I had after
falling back asleep that morning.
I was first with a small group of my
students. I was engaging them in a very positive manner. I was
affirming them. I was assuring them. I felt so good being surrounded
by my students. (Note: the night before we had our Christmas pageant
and it had gone so well. I went to bed exhausted and very happy as I
was extremely proud of my students. I had also experienced an awesome
moment when just before we went over to the church for the pageant. A
student said to me, “I was hoping you'd be here. I'm so happy you
came!”) Then I turned from my students and realized I was
volunteering in my son's classroom. It was the end of my volunteer
time and I walked over to CD saying, “My love, it's time for me to
go.” (Note: I call him “my love” very rarely, and usually at
very special moments.) I referred to him as “my love” several
more times before this dream ended. What I found a bit odd, or interesting, was that I woke up from this dream at 6:30 a.m. and the first 911 call reportedly was made in Connecticut just about ten minutes after that (9:41 a.m. CT time).
I am a mother. I am a teacher. As both
a mother and a teacher, I am having an incredibly difficult time
processing what happened in Newtown, Connecticut. As I drove home
Friday afternoon, I turned to NPR where I heard a report during which
a journalist recounted a story of having discussed the events and the
aftermath with a member of the Catholic Church clergy. It involved
talking with a little boy who was just starting to understand that
his sister had been killed. “Who am I going to play with,” the
boy asked the clergy. I could not hold back tears. I had visions of
CD and Miss Hollywood and instantly my heart ached, tears streamed. I
felt sad for everyone, but especially for that young boy. I had to
change the station back to a music station if I was going to make it
through the rest of the afternoon. So, I did.
I went about my business. I had my
nails done, picked up CD and Miss Hollywood from their respective
daycares, and took them to a birthday party for one of their friends.
For an empath like me, the day was hard and I was on extreme
overload.
On Sunday night, CD started to have a
meltdown. Play time was over. It was quiet time. It was time to
settle in for the evening, but he didn't think he was ready for it.
He acted out. At one point, he said he was mad at everybody. At that
point, I pulled him into my arms, picked him up, and sat holding him.
He calmed almost immediately as my arms wrapped gently around him. As
we sat in a chair, I focused on just holding him. Then I looked him
in the eye and said to him, “I love you. I love you very much. Even
when you're mad at me, or mad at everybody, I love you. Even when you
hit, kick, pinch, hit, try to bite, hit some more, I love you. You
are always mama's favorite number one boy and I always love you. I
love you!” He received it better than he has at other times. The
hugs, the love, the care. He received it all. And he sat calmly with
my arms around him. And I know he will be ok. We will be ok. Even on
bad days, we will be ok.
I
Corinthians 13:4-7 “ Love suffers long and is kind;
love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;
does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked,
thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the
truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things.”
A common theme here in my blog appears
to be love.
Two of my goals for 2013 involve love.
1) To love more fully and 2) To allow myself to BE loved more fully.
The second of those may actually be harder than the first.
I have discovered within the last week
that I have been extremely guarded with The Guardian. It is as if I
have a wall around my heart. The positive in this, for me, is that by
doing so, I have been calmer in dealing with things as they come. I
have taken risks, but remained calm. I have opened myself up a
little, but remained calm. I have not grown too attached. I started
to let my guard down a bit the past couple of days and I am still a
bit calm, but I am more nervous as I open up more. This may or may
not have anything to do with my love goals for 2013. I don't know.
What I do know is that at some point, that wall will need to come
down. My past cannot define me. I cannot enter the future fearfully.
I must open up myself and take more risks and not be afraid of
getting hurt. I realize that as an emotional dreamer who was more
than once said to wear her heart on her sleeve, I will get hurt along
the way. That is a part of life, a part of who I am. But I cannot
fear it. For now, I will focus on this part of that verse from I
Corinthians “love....HOPES ALL THINGS.”
Hope.
I need more hope.
At times like these, hope seems
difficult, but we all must remain hopeful, especially for the future.
We do not know what the future holds. For all we know, the end of the
Mayan calendar does spell the end of the world. Or perhaps, simply,
it spells the end of the world as we know it and even greater things
are still to come. Today I want to hold on to hope and use that hope
to open myself up for love. Even if it means getting hurt in the
process. I can do this. I can. Now, will I?
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