It has been an incredible week, to say the least. It has actually been a week-and-a-half since I last wrote. It's kind of weird. I've missed writing, but I haven't really had time to sit and write. Once I get back on a regular schedule, I'm sure I will have more of a chance to write here on a regular basis.
The timing just came together really nice for things this past week. I learned that a job was coming available and I made sure that I was ready for it. I had that nice resume and was ready to go. I went for it! I called the principal. I got an interview. Just having the interview thrilled me. But going into the interview, something in me told me that this was the job for me. I felt more ready than I have ever felt for an interview. I went into not only confident, but proud of what I have accomplished over the past few years.
During the interview, I was asked why I should be hired. Words just flowed. Here's the bottom line (luckily, I was applying for a Catholic school, so I could speak my mind freely):
I believe that God has spent the last year preparing me for THIS job. Most of my experience had been with intermediate and above (elementary). The past year has focused on primary. I did my student teaching in kidnergarten and third grade. The majority of my substitute teaching was done in first and second grade. I have been collecting resources. As I went through them, I found that the majority of them were for second and third grade and for science and social studies. This half-time position focuses on teachign science and social studies. The other thing for which I am responsible is Daily Language Review (writing) and I am a skilled writer. God chose this job for me long before it existed. And he chose me for this job before I was prepared. But now, the job is available and I am prepared. Everything led to this moment.
Long story short, I got the job.
I GOT THE JOB!
I will be teaching second grade half-time. I will teach science, social studies, and Daily Language Review. So, I should be writing lesson plans. I should be preparing for the first day of school. But, I needed to first share my joy. I have worked three days, including a couple of hours today. Yes, I worked on Sunday. I needed to be ready. Connor went with me. We shelved books. We put up bulletin boards. We got ready.
Tomorrow is the first day of school. Tomorrow is the first day of my career. Wow! Just, wow! I am ecstatic!
Over the last week, I experienced co-parenting successes. I witnessed my son's first week of school. I saw my daughter have a sick day where her dad had to pick her up instead of me.
My future is SO bright I GOTTA wear shades! Yep! I do. I have a bright future ahead. Things are going well for my little family. I pray it continues.
It has not been without some issues. I am actually struggling with some anger directed at God right now. I will work through it, with time. But, it will take time.
Just over a year ago, the kids and I moved out of the women's shelter. We first spent a couple of days with my family at our family ranch. We hiked, we visited, we shared in family traditions and made new memories. From there, we went to stay with two very dear friends from church. These friends helped through a difficult period of transition. They watched the kids while I attended class. They fed us. They gave us some amazing experiences, including feeding chickens. It was so wodnerful to feel so loved and so supported. I am thankful beyond words. Now, Ms. A is facing a very difficult health crisis. As a result, I am experiencing not a crisis of faith, but flat-out anger. I know God is there. I do not understand why things are playing out the way they are. Why do people who are so full of love and joy and grace suffer while others who bring misery and difficulty to those around them seem to strive? I.do.NOT.understand! I don't get it. But, as my rector pointed out today, 1) it's ok to be angry and 2) miracles happen.
So, I ask you...please pray. Pray for Ms. A. Pray for her husband, her daughters, all of her loved ones. Pray for healing. Pray for a miracle. Pray. Just pray. And, whatever happens, I know God will be there.
Pray also for S as she works through some of her divorce ridiculousness. I have yet to understand why power and control rule certain people, but those two issues do. They don't care about the people. They don't care who they hurt, even if it is themselves. They care only about maintaining whatever control they can. It is silly. Sometimes, I just want to write in the sky: MOVE ON! Instead, I pray. Another friend, Chicago, needs prayer for the same reason. Isn't is sad? There are so many men in the world who would rather maintain control and try to hurt the women they once took a vow to "love, honor, and cherish" that it makes me question so much. There are lots of guys who claim to be good guys. Lots of guys who claim that chivalry "is not dead." I know there are good guys. I've seen great examples of great men in my family. But, there is something wrong with the 30-somethings and that makes me question how many good guys there really are.
I'm a great "catch." But, finding someone who wants kids, but doesn't necessarily want kids of his own and who is willing to meet some of my romantic dreams will likely never happen. That's ok. Would I like to date? you bet! Would I like to find one of the good guys? Duh! of course. If it doesn't happen, will I be disappointed? Probably. Will it be the end of the world? Nah...life goes on and so will I. I can still raise my son to be one of the good guys. And, I will. One day, there will be a very lucky young lady because my son will do right. He better. or else, he'll have to deal with his mama.
And so....here we are....
PRAY PRAY PRAY
My first week with students. CD's second week of school. Ms. A and her health crisis. S and Chicago with their Big D issues....
Oh! And, one last thing...there is a heck of an event coming up next weekend! I pray it all comes together nicely this week and that the people who attend enjoy it! I am so excited! I ahve worked hard on this, as have a few others from church and I hope and pray it is all worthwhile for the parish.
Love and hugs, dear readers! Have a great start to the week!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Closing the door on anniversaries
On August 8, 1998, I had no idea what my future had in store. I thought I knew what I was doing. I learned that I did not. Less than 10 years into marriage, I found struggles that I wasn't sure how to handle. But, I thought that the love I (thought I) had for my husband and patience would see me through. Just shy of my 13th anniversary, I knew that nothing of my doing was enough to see the "marriage" through and I left. I left.
Tonight marks my second anniversary since the separation, my first since the divorce was finalized. It would have been my 14th wedding anniversary.
The day went nothing like I had expected. Just 20 minutes after I dropped Miss Hollywood off at daycare, I received a call. Possible pink eye. Something that contagious cannot wait a minute. I re-worked my schedule. I did a conference call instead of going to a meeting. I made a few calls. I took Miss Hollywood to the doctor I scrambled to find a sitter willing to come to the house and when I came up empty-handed, I had to do some more adjusting. I had hoped for a hug from Mr. M this week (today). Not because of any residual romantic feelings that may or may not exist, but because I needed a good hug. I've needed one for several days. And, he had made hugs available. Now with a two-year-old being treated for pink eye, that was not an option. I had hoped for even just a few minutes to myself. That was not to be had. Miss Hollywood needed some extra TLC today. She did not understand why she could not go to daycare. She did not understand any of it. She just wanted a regular day and when that was not happening, she needed some lovin from her mama. I think I can relate. I certainly can understand.
I have needed an evening break for a couple of weeks. Tonight, I got it.
Knowing that I would have an hour or so to myself, I texted about six friends to see if anyone could join me. I heard back from only one of the six. She was not available. I was flying solo tonight.
I found a place close. I went by myself. I prayed the kids would understand.
Miss Hollywod cried. CD wanted to know where I was going. And, off I (hesitantly yet determined) went.
The Olympics were on one television set. The Giants game was on another. (It was weird watching live and getting very delayed ESPN alerts on my phone.) I looked around the bar area. A couple of girlfriends. A group of friends. Boyfriends and girlfriends. A husband and wife...celebrating...their anniversary. And there I was. I sat alone. I sipped wine and munched on a few chips. Pink Floy "Comfortably Numb" played in the background. I eventually made my way out to the patio. I relaxed. I reminded myself that I could do this alone time. It wasn't the same as sitting in a movie theater watching "Magic Mike." It wasn't the same as anonymously attending a church service. I had to just.be.alone. I spent my hour alone. I enjoyed the quiet, but I struggled with the alone time. Still, it was time well spent.
And...I closed a door. August 8 is now a meaningless date for me. It has to be. And if ever I begin to forget that, I have email messages I can go back and read to remind me. After almost 13 years of doing everything I could to salvage a farce of a marriage, I left. To "celebrate" the 14ths year since the wedding ceremony took place, I bid farewell to a life that never really was. And, I did it, alone. Successfully.
I returned home quiet and pensive. Mom asked if I was ok. No, I'm not ok. I don't know why exactly, but I'm not entirely ok. I have a lot more to learn. But my resolve in moving forward is strong. I wrote in a recent Facebook status update that "I wouldn't even want to date me right now." But you know what? I'm pretty awesome. And, I enjoyed my date with myself. Now I just have to take steps to help others see my date-worthiness. Or not. I can just be who I am. And if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
I would have liked to have not been entirely alone tonight. But, I do not regret taking myself out even for a second. I deserved it!
In the meantime, August 8 is meaningless now. Chapter closed. Door closed. Window open. Future shining bright with awesomeness.
Tonight marks my second anniversary since the separation, my first since the divorce was finalized. It would have been my 14th wedding anniversary.
The day went nothing like I had expected. Just 20 minutes after I dropped Miss Hollywood off at daycare, I received a call. Possible pink eye. Something that contagious cannot wait a minute. I re-worked my schedule. I did a conference call instead of going to a meeting. I made a few calls. I took Miss Hollywood to the doctor I scrambled to find a sitter willing to come to the house and when I came up empty-handed, I had to do some more adjusting. I had hoped for a hug from Mr. M this week (today). Not because of any residual romantic feelings that may or may not exist, but because I needed a good hug. I've needed one for several days. And, he had made hugs available. Now with a two-year-old being treated for pink eye, that was not an option. I had hoped for even just a few minutes to myself. That was not to be had. Miss Hollywood needed some extra TLC today. She did not understand why she could not go to daycare. She did not understand any of it. She just wanted a regular day and when that was not happening, she needed some lovin from her mama. I think I can relate. I certainly can understand.
I have needed an evening break for a couple of weeks. Tonight, I got it.
Knowing that I would have an hour or so to myself, I texted about six friends to see if anyone could join me. I heard back from only one of the six. She was not available. I was flying solo tonight.
I found a place close. I went by myself. I prayed the kids would understand.
Miss Hollywod cried. CD wanted to know where I was going. And, off I (hesitantly yet determined) went.
The Olympics were on one television set. The Giants game was on another. (It was weird watching live and getting very delayed ESPN alerts on my phone.) I looked around the bar area. A couple of girlfriends. A group of friends. Boyfriends and girlfriends. A husband and wife...celebrating...their anniversary. And there I was. I sat alone. I sipped wine and munched on a few chips. Pink Floy "Comfortably Numb" played in the background. I eventually made my way out to the patio. I relaxed. I reminded myself that I could do this alone time. It wasn't the same as sitting in a movie theater watching "Magic Mike." It wasn't the same as anonymously attending a church service. I had to just.be.alone. I spent my hour alone. I enjoyed the quiet, but I struggled with the alone time. Still, it was time well spent.
And...I closed a door. August 8 is now a meaningless date for me. It has to be. And if ever I begin to forget that, I have email messages I can go back and read to remind me. After almost 13 years of doing everything I could to salvage a farce of a marriage, I left. To "celebrate" the 14ths year since the wedding ceremony took place, I bid farewell to a life that never really was. And, I did it, alone. Successfully.
I returned home quiet and pensive. Mom asked if I was ok. No, I'm not ok. I don't know why exactly, but I'm not entirely ok. I have a lot more to learn. But my resolve in moving forward is strong. I wrote in a recent Facebook status update that "I wouldn't even want to date me right now." But you know what? I'm pretty awesome. And, I enjoyed my date with myself. Now I just have to take steps to help others see my date-worthiness. Or not. I can just be who I am. And if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
I would have liked to have not been entirely alone tonight. But, I do not regret taking myself out even for a second. I deserved it!
In the meantime, August 8 is meaningless now. Chapter closed. Door closed. Window open. Future shining bright with awesomeness.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Lesson learned and a culinary success
Last week, I started a new part of this journey. I have been reclaiming my life
for well over a year. Last week, I finally had the paperwork in hand so I could
reclaim the identity that goes along with that life. I do not remember changing
my name after getting married being near this difficult.
I first visited the DMV last week. I knew there was no way I could stand to just waste away an afternoon there, so I grabbed the form I needed and headed out to my car where I called to make an appointment. I found that even the DMV automated line can be frustrating. But, I did it. I made an appointment. Carefully following the directions, I never did get the system to repeat my confirmation number. However, I did manage to speak to a human who was able to confirm that my appointment was listed in the system. Ahh....
So, I headed to the bank. This one should be simple enough, right? I just needed to change my name on my account and the accounts I have set up for the kids. 45 minutes later...I finally had my name back on at least one important thing. I signed the new signature cards and was on my way. While at the bank, I ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen since before I left in June of last year. I jumped up, ran over, and gave her a huge hug. I had thought about stopping by her house so many times, but never had taken the time to try to see her. I hoped we would reconnect and there we were. We met down the street for lunch. We got caught up and we enjoyed a nice summer afternoon. Balance. It had been a slightly less than awesome day up to that point. Then it slipped into superbly awesome! Rock on!
Today was my appointment, so I returned to the DMV. First, I stopped by the bank where I found out that I had overlooked a spelling error (my name) on two of the signature cards, so I was going to have to re-do the one thing I had celebrated having done. Then, I headed to the DMV. I had followed directions from their website for changing my name on the title. I had filled out the form for my driver's license. I had my court paperwork, forms, registration, and driver's license in hand. I was even a few minutes early for my appointment. How excited I was! I approached the counter and started talking to the woman there to help me. I didn't get very far.
"Have you been to the Social Security Administration?" she asked.
"Not yet," I replied.
Guess what?! You have to actually follow the order of operations here. Just like an algebra problem, if you do something out of order, you get the wrong answer. So, I rescheduled my appointment and headed to Modesto. Ok, I called my mom and vented first. I was frustrated, to say the least. This name was my name for the firt 21 years of my life. All I want to do is reclaim it. It is mine. It was the name on my driver's license when I first got it at 16. Every step has felt so incredibly complicated. But, I continue on and do what I have to do. This included spending about 45 minutes in the Social Security office. Now, I have to say, that office stinks. Quite literally. There are a lot of smelly people there and the whole place smelled bad. I've been exposed to one person on a regular basis with terrible hygiene and most recently was driven to the point of gagging when near him. (I finally just held my breath.) But this smell was everywhere. At first the numbers were called painfully slowly. Then, they picked up speed. I was releived when my number was called. I was even more relieved when I was called "to the door." I walked through the door into this office area. A nice, organized area primarily inhabited by employees. People with good hygiene. The odor was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief. I breathed a second sigh of relief once the employee looked over my documents and determined they were right for changing my name. I left with a piece of paper...a "receipt" to show that I had taken care of my name change with the Social Security Administration.
I don't know if I will ever get married again. Heck, I have no idea if I'll ever even get the hang of dating. But, my resolve is strong in one thing. IF...IF...I ever do meet a man who meets my needs and IF...IF...I am getting married again...I will NOT EVER change my name again. Never. If for no other reason than to avoid the Social Security office.
Lesson learned.
My culinary success tonight is one a friend suggested I put on Pinterest and I think I will. Yes, I was so excited that I sent a text to a few friends tonight. I was thrilled! I made salmon with a (fresh) peach relish. I cut up three peaches. I cooked them with a little butter. I added a teaspoon of sugar, three or four dashes of Tapatio, and some lemon juice. I cooked them some more. Then I took a potato masher and mashed them up some, but left it a bit chunky and cooked it some more. (Medium-high heat) It turned out SO good! I did the salmon in a frying pan with some olive oil, briefly on each side then I finished in the oven at 350-degrees. It turned out so much better than the last time I made salmon. I was relieved, I was excited, I overjoyed. And the best part of all was that everyone at the table liked it too! Another great experience in the kitchen! I love it!
I first visited the DMV last week. I knew there was no way I could stand to just waste away an afternoon there, so I grabbed the form I needed and headed out to my car where I called to make an appointment. I found that even the DMV automated line can be frustrating. But, I did it. I made an appointment. Carefully following the directions, I never did get the system to repeat my confirmation number. However, I did manage to speak to a human who was able to confirm that my appointment was listed in the system. Ahh....
So, I headed to the bank. This one should be simple enough, right? I just needed to change my name on my account and the accounts I have set up for the kids. 45 minutes later...I finally had my name back on at least one important thing. I signed the new signature cards and was on my way. While at the bank, I ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen since before I left in June of last year. I jumped up, ran over, and gave her a huge hug. I had thought about stopping by her house so many times, but never had taken the time to try to see her. I hoped we would reconnect and there we were. We met down the street for lunch. We got caught up and we enjoyed a nice summer afternoon. Balance. It had been a slightly less than awesome day up to that point. Then it slipped into superbly awesome! Rock on!
Today was my appointment, so I returned to the DMV. First, I stopped by the bank where I found out that I had overlooked a spelling error (my name) on two of the signature cards, so I was going to have to re-do the one thing I had celebrated having done. Then, I headed to the DMV. I had followed directions from their website for changing my name on the title. I had filled out the form for my driver's license. I had my court paperwork, forms, registration, and driver's license in hand. I was even a few minutes early for my appointment. How excited I was! I approached the counter and started talking to the woman there to help me. I didn't get very far.
"Have you been to the Social Security Administration?" she asked.
"Not yet," I replied.
Guess what?! You have to actually follow the order of operations here. Just like an algebra problem, if you do something out of order, you get the wrong answer. So, I rescheduled my appointment and headed to Modesto. Ok, I called my mom and vented first. I was frustrated, to say the least. This name was my name for the firt 21 years of my life. All I want to do is reclaim it. It is mine. It was the name on my driver's license when I first got it at 16. Every step has felt so incredibly complicated. But, I continue on and do what I have to do. This included spending about 45 minutes in the Social Security office. Now, I have to say, that office stinks. Quite literally. There are a lot of smelly people there and the whole place smelled bad. I've been exposed to one person on a regular basis with terrible hygiene and most recently was driven to the point of gagging when near him. (I finally just held my breath.) But this smell was everywhere. At first the numbers were called painfully slowly. Then, they picked up speed. I was releived when my number was called. I was even more relieved when I was called "to the door." I walked through the door into this office area. A nice, organized area primarily inhabited by employees. People with good hygiene. The odor was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief. I breathed a second sigh of relief once the employee looked over my documents and determined they were right for changing my name. I left with a piece of paper...a "receipt" to show that I had taken care of my name change with the Social Security Administration.
I don't know if I will ever get married again. Heck, I have no idea if I'll ever even get the hang of dating. But, my resolve is strong in one thing. IF...IF...I ever do meet a man who meets my needs and IF...IF...I am getting married again...I will NOT EVER change my name again. Never. If for no other reason than to avoid the Social Security office.
Lesson learned.
My culinary success tonight is one a friend suggested I put on Pinterest and I think I will. Yes, I was so excited that I sent a text to a few friends tonight. I was thrilled! I made salmon with a (fresh) peach relish. I cut up three peaches. I cooked them with a little butter. I added a teaspoon of sugar, three or four dashes of Tapatio, and some lemon juice. I cooked them some more. Then I took a potato masher and mashed them up some, but left it a bit chunky and cooked it some more. (Medium-high heat) It turned out SO good! I did the salmon in a frying pan with some olive oil, briefly on each side then I finished in the oven at 350-degrees. It turned out so much better than the last time I made salmon. I was relieved, I was excited, I overjoyed. And the best part of all was that everyone at the table liked it too! Another great experience in the kitchen! I love it!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Super Sunday!
A year-and-a-half to two years ago, a Matt Maher song got me through some of my darkest days. It brought me great joy when so much of my being lacked pure joy. I especially loved hearing CD belt out the words when it came on the radio.
"This is the first day of the rest of your life, this is the first day of the rest of your life, even in the dark you can still see the light, it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright."
As this day comes to an end, I look back and smile. Today was a great day! CD and Miss Hollywood spent some time with Nana and Papa while I attended church (and took care of my "assignments" at church for the day). Church was a wonderful start to this day. Then a family lunch, followed by outtings, kept the day rolling. And the evening was off the damn charts in awesomeness! We had a really nice summer cook-out. Hot dogs for dinner followed by s'mores for dessert. The kids were in jammies and settling in at a really good hour. I finished off the day rocking Miss Hollywood and singing to her. It made me smile. All of it. I felt pure joy in every ounce of my being. Both kids had a great day. CD got his start-of-school haircut and is very excited about it.
At one point this evening the following conversation took place:
CD: Today was a new day, huh mommy?
Me: Yep! And do you know what tomorrow is?
CD: Another new day.
It's great that he can see each and every day as something new. A new beginning, a new chance at something special. I hope that he learns that from me, and others who think as I do.
Getting back to writing has helped me so much. My renewed commitment to organizing thoughts for the book S and I are working on has helped. Working through the day's issues has helped as well.
I love the way my room smells right now. I had primarily been using only lotions and body sprays, adding perfume later. I started wearing my regular perfume again and recently picked up a body wash and lotion that go with it. I started using it along with my body powder. I'm taking a break from some of the other scents and though I love them, I am enjoying how good my room smells because it smells like me. It smells like my favorite perfume. It's great!
I stood on the scale today for the first time in a couple of weeks. the plateau I hit with my weight almost two years ago has haunted me. It got worse between last fall and this summer. It didn't matter what I did. I was preparing for a marathon. People tried to suggest that I was replacing fat with muscle. That may have been, but not losing, and even at times seeing that I had gained, frustrated me to no end. S and I have talked about this. She and I have shared this struggle. The worst of it was that it didn't matter what we did. Nothing mattered. We have been stuck. Finally this week I was noticing that I looked less bloated and that in itself made me feel better. Then someone asked me today if I had lost weight. "No, but I'm less bloated," I responded. But, I thought I'd go ahead and check.
Ready for this?
I lost five pounds! FIVE POUNDS! That made my day. I don't care if I ever get back to where I was after Connor was born (I hit my wedding day weight when he was about six-months-old.) But, I have a few pounds to lose and I need my body back! At least some semblance of what was once my body. I looked at a picture that my mom had from 2005. I did not recognize myself in it. I had to look very closely at it and I nearly cried. It was awful. When I got pregnant with Connor, I was close to 200 pounds! That is not me! That was never me! Except...it was. Bringing my weight down and regaining my body for ME is important TO ME. Yoga, taekwondo...they help. I am finally feeling anxious about running again and looking forward to doing a 5k in October.
So, what happened? Well, a few things.
One, I have had stricter portion control. I've never really been one to overeat. In fact, I have always eaten so slowly that I get fuller faster. This has been true my entire life. And, it can be a bit embarrassing. When I had that picnic with Mr. M, I was overly aware of how slowly I eat. And then I got full before I even finished half a sandwich. I was again aware of it at breakfast yesterday with Nini. I've been the butt of many jokes in my life because I eat SO SLOWLY! But, you know what... I am who I am and I need to embrace that.
Two, after spending two weekends in a row with Uncle Bubba and his family, I seemed to slip into eating fewer carbs rather naturally. I felt pretty good too. I noticed around mid-week and then it became more of a habit. I also started eating less in the way of desserts. This happened somewhat naturally too. Somehow sweets have been too sweets (I know. weird, right?!) But, I try to enjoy things here and there so that I don't totally over-do them when I have them.
Three is the big one. I think I finally have more control over my anxiety and stress. I had a couple of highly emotional days within the past week. It was awful, but I still felt more in control of it all than i have in a long time. I take some time to think through things. I talk to people. I work through things as best I can. I successfully weaned from medications and I hope to stay this way. (I will, of course, check in with my doctor.) But overall, I feel great!
I think I had a Fibromyalgia flare-up this weekend...a little more pain, a little more fatigue, a whole lot of irritating! LOL! But, it was likely triggered by the weather (at least in part) and I still feel pretty good.
I am proud of myself. Each day I can see something new in me of which I can be proud. Each day s a new day. Each day is the first day of the rest of my life. And, it is the same for you.
From that Matt Maher song: "Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm. And I'll be my brother's keeper, so the whole world will know that we're not alone..."
You have to have love. As was discussed in the homily at church today, look around. Take in your blessings. Count your blessings. Give thanks for your blessings.
I immersed myself in Christian music (rock mostly) during some of my darkest days. It got me through that awful period of my life. I'm now back listening to pop, country, and rock. When I caught myself drowning in ideal romanticiscm of country songs a couple of weeks ago, mom made a good suggestion. "Switch to some good rock 'n' roll." And I did. I mixed it up more. Today on my way to church, I rocked out to Def Leppard. It was great! It rocked my morning! Loved it! Thanks, mom!
And a wish for a happy start to your week, readers! Rock it out! Make it your best week ever! Or, at least, make it the best week you can!
My focus for the week: Well, I guess I have three:
1. Love and enjoy CD and Miss Hollywood every day.
2. Job search
3. Promoting the heck out of "my" event for church
Check back throughout the week to see how it's going. Feel free to hold me accountable. ;-)
"This is the first day of the rest of your life, this is the first day of the rest of your life, even in the dark you can still see the light, it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright."
As this day comes to an end, I look back and smile. Today was a great day! CD and Miss Hollywood spent some time with Nana and Papa while I attended church (and took care of my "assignments" at church for the day). Church was a wonderful start to this day. Then a family lunch, followed by outtings, kept the day rolling. And the evening was off the damn charts in awesomeness! We had a really nice summer cook-out. Hot dogs for dinner followed by s'mores for dessert. The kids were in jammies and settling in at a really good hour. I finished off the day rocking Miss Hollywood and singing to her. It made me smile. All of it. I felt pure joy in every ounce of my being. Both kids had a great day. CD got his start-of-school haircut and is very excited about it.
At one point this evening the following conversation took place:
CD: Today was a new day, huh mommy?
Me: Yep! And do you know what tomorrow is?
CD: Another new day.
It's great that he can see each and every day as something new. A new beginning, a new chance at something special. I hope that he learns that from me, and others who think as I do.
Getting back to writing has helped me so much. My renewed commitment to organizing thoughts for the book S and I are working on has helped. Working through the day's issues has helped as well.
I love the way my room smells right now. I had primarily been using only lotions and body sprays, adding perfume later. I started wearing my regular perfume again and recently picked up a body wash and lotion that go with it. I started using it along with my body powder. I'm taking a break from some of the other scents and though I love them, I am enjoying how good my room smells because it smells like me. It smells like my favorite perfume. It's great!
I stood on the scale today for the first time in a couple of weeks. the plateau I hit with my weight almost two years ago has haunted me. It got worse between last fall and this summer. It didn't matter what I did. I was preparing for a marathon. People tried to suggest that I was replacing fat with muscle. That may have been, but not losing, and even at times seeing that I had gained, frustrated me to no end. S and I have talked about this. She and I have shared this struggle. The worst of it was that it didn't matter what we did. Nothing mattered. We have been stuck. Finally this week I was noticing that I looked less bloated and that in itself made me feel better. Then someone asked me today if I had lost weight. "No, but I'm less bloated," I responded. But, I thought I'd go ahead and check.
Ready for this?
I lost five pounds! FIVE POUNDS! That made my day. I don't care if I ever get back to where I was after Connor was born (I hit my wedding day weight when he was about six-months-old.) But, I have a few pounds to lose and I need my body back! At least some semblance of what was once my body. I looked at a picture that my mom had from 2005. I did not recognize myself in it. I had to look very closely at it and I nearly cried. It was awful. When I got pregnant with Connor, I was close to 200 pounds! That is not me! That was never me! Except...it was. Bringing my weight down and regaining my body for ME is important TO ME. Yoga, taekwondo...they help. I am finally feeling anxious about running again and looking forward to doing a 5k in October.
So, what happened? Well, a few things.
One, I have had stricter portion control. I've never really been one to overeat. In fact, I have always eaten so slowly that I get fuller faster. This has been true my entire life. And, it can be a bit embarrassing. When I had that picnic with Mr. M, I was overly aware of how slowly I eat. And then I got full before I even finished half a sandwich. I was again aware of it at breakfast yesterday with Nini. I've been the butt of many jokes in my life because I eat SO SLOWLY! But, you know what... I am who I am and I need to embrace that.
Two, after spending two weekends in a row with Uncle Bubba and his family, I seemed to slip into eating fewer carbs rather naturally. I felt pretty good too. I noticed around mid-week and then it became more of a habit. I also started eating less in the way of desserts. This happened somewhat naturally too. Somehow sweets have been too sweets (I know. weird, right?!) But, I try to enjoy things here and there so that I don't totally over-do them when I have them.
Three is the big one. I think I finally have more control over my anxiety and stress. I had a couple of highly emotional days within the past week. It was awful, but I still felt more in control of it all than i have in a long time. I take some time to think through things. I talk to people. I work through things as best I can. I successfully weaned from medications and I hope to stay this way. (I will, of course, check in with my doctor.) But overall, I feel great!
I think I had a Fibromyalgia flare-up this weekend...a little more pain, a little more fatigue, a whole lot of irritating! LOL! But, it was likely triggered by the weather (at least in part) and I still feel pretty good.
I am proud of myself. Each day I can see something new in me of which I can be proud. Each day s a new day. Each day is the first day of the rest of my life. And, it is the same for you.
From that Matt Maher song: "Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm. And I'll be my brother's keeper, so the whole world will know that we're not alone..."
You have to have love. As was discussed in the homily at church today, look around. Take in your blessings. Count your blessings. Give thanks for your blessings.
I immersed myself in Christian music (rock mostly) during some of my darkest days. It got me through that awful period of my life. I'm now back listening to pop, country, and rock. When I caught myself drowning in ideal romanticiscm of country songs a couple of weeks ago, mom made a good suggestion. "Switch to some good rock 'n' roll." And I did. I mixed it up more. Today on my way to church, I rocked out to Def Leppard. It was great! It rocked my morning! Loved it! Thanks, mom!
And a wish for a happy start to your week, readers! Rock it out! Make it your best week ever! Or, at least, make it the best week you can!
My focus for the week: Well, I guess I have three:
1. Love and enjoy CD and Miss Hollywood every day.
2. Job search
3. Promoting the heck out of "my" event for church
Check back throughout the week to see how it's going. Feel free to hold me accountable. ;-)
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Bye, bye baby!
I started my Saturday after dropping off the kids with their dad. I had a fabulous breakfast with Nini! She treated and I didn't know how to react when I asked how much I owed her and she said I didn't owe her anything. With a little nudging, I thanked her and went on about how good it was. My portion control the past week or so has worked itself into routine. I couldn't eat all of my food...not even close! But I enjoyed every single bite that I could eat. It was awesome!
After hving some downtime with Nini, I cleared my head on the drive home. I know there are a couple of things that I need to do and how to do them. I have a very firm thought in mind for one issue and I will stick to it.
Back at home, I completed the application process for a substitute teaching posting on EdJoin. It took some faith in the EdJoin system. I followed all of the instructions. I know that I am more than qualified. Still, I will call and follow up on Monday. This, of course, is something I would do anyway, but it feels especially important having applied through the EdJoin system for the first time. I will keep working on applications and pray my TPA task scores come in sooner rather than later. I also organized some more portfolio items and will spend some time putting it all together in the week ahead. As my schooling comes to an end (finally) and I prepare for the next chapter in my life..an actual career, my son prepares for a new chapter of his life as well.
Yesterday, I took CD back-to-school shopping. He was so incredibly excited about each and everything. His enthusiasm is contagious for sure. So, today, in his absence, I started re-working his room. He and Miss Hollywood share a room in our little apartment. They love being close to each other. But now, I suspect it will become just a little more tricky. He will be a student. And she is still growing through toddler-hood. Today, I focused on CD's clothes. The last of the Ts came out of his wardrobe. It caused me to reflect some. He will always be my baby boy. I remind him of that regularly. But, still, I have to recognize now that he is a school-age child. He is growing up and starting school. Wow! How did that happen? His closet is filled with Boy clothes rather than toddler boy clothes. His dresser drawer is organized with pants, shirts, underwear, undershirts, regular shirts. I hope his enthusiasm continues.
CD was teased at Vacation Bible School recently and it bothers me. It has caused me some fear as school approaches. I just have to be the best mom that I can. And I will do that. He is incredibly blessed to have some awesome male role models. I am very thankful for Her H, Godfather, Papa, and Uncle Bubba. They set good examples and are all doing their part to teach CD how to be a man. They are offering tremendous influences that he needs and deserves.
Now...to any male readers (do I have any male readers?) or single moms of boys or moms who have sent their five-year-old boys off to kindergarten....
Any tips? Anything more I can do to help him be ready? Anything he will need as school begins and as we move on from this point?
I have one last summer activity with CD. We're headed to 49ers FanFest next Sunday. This will give him a chance to see Candlestick Park and he is really excited about that. I may also get it so we can connect with a dear college friend of mine. Looking forward to it! The next day we head to kindergarten orientation. And the day after that is the first day of school. Big times! Good times! Movin' on times!
This is all part of the Moving on part of our lives. We've moved out. We are moving on. And we are getting ready to MOVE UP! Bravo to our little family!
After hving some downtime with Nini, I cleared my head on the drive home. I know there are a couple of things that I need to do and how to do them. I have a very firm thought in mind for one issue and I will stick to it.
Back at home, I completed the application process for a substitute teaching posting on EdJoin. It took some faith in the EdJoin system. I followed all of the instructions. I know that I am more than qualified. Still, I will call and follow up on Monday. This, of course, is something I would do anyway, but it feels especially important having applied through the EdJoin system for the first time. I will keep working on applications and pray my TPA task scores come in sooner rather than later. I also organized some more portfolio items and will spend some time putting it all together in the week ahead. As my schooling comes to an end (finally) and I prepare for the next chapter in my life..an actual career, my son prepares for a new chapter of his life as well.
Yesterday, I took CD back-to-school shopping. He was so incredibly excited about each and everything. His enthusiasm is contagious for sure. So, today, in his absence, I started re-working his room. He and Miss Hollywood share a room in our little apartment. They love being close to each other. But now, I suspect it will become just a little more tricky. He will be a student. And she is still growing through toddler-hood. Today, I focused on CD's clothes. The last of the Ts came out of his wardrobe. It caused me to reflect some. He will always be my baby boy. I remind him of that regularly. But, still, I have to recognize now that he is a school-age child. He is growing up and starting school. Wow! How did that happen? His closet is filled with Boy clothes rather than toddler boy clothes. His dresser drawer is organized with pants, shirts, underwear, undershirts, regular shirts. I hope his enthusiasm continues.
CD was teased at Vacation Bible School recently and it bothers me. It has caused me some fear as school approaches. I just have to be the best mom that I can. And I will do that. He is incredibly blessed to have some awesome male role models. I am very thankful for Her H, Godfather, Papa, and Uncle Bubba. They set good examples and are all doing their part to teach CD how to be a man. They are offering tremendous influences that he needs and deserves.
Now...to any male readers (do I have any male readers?) or single moms of boys or moms who have sent their five-year-old boys off to kindergarten....
Any tips? Anything more I can do to help him be ready? Anything he will need as school begins and as we move on from this point?
I have one last summer activity with CD. We're headed to 49ers FanFest next Sunday. This will give him a chance to see Candlestick Park and he is really excited about that. I may also get it so we can connect with a dear college friend of mine. Looking forward to it! The next day we head to kindergarten orientation. And the day after that is the first day of school. Big times! Good times! Movin' on times!
This is all part of the Moving on part of our lives. We've moved out. We are moving on. And we are getting ready to MOVE UP! Bravo to our little family!
Friday, August 3, 2012
When all else fails...blog
For the second Friday in a row, I have shed tears. This sucks. I don't want to cry. I don't want my self-esteem to take the nasty slip it took a week ago. I want to be the confident, assertive Bekah who takes charge and is proud of who she is and who she is becoming.
But remnants of the shattered, broken-hearted, low self-esteem Bekah exist. She's not the real Bekah, but she still has a hold on some of my emotions at times.
Today, the two are battling it out. Ok, not really. But, in a way that is how I have felt.
I started writing a new blog post in my head hours ago. I knew it would come. I was ok with waiting on it. Then, I got an email that just pushed me the wrong way. I cried. I gave myself a minute alone in my room. I ate dinner. Then I tried calling S. When I didn't get her on the phone, I tried calling My Chico. I got voice mail there too.
It's Friday night. People are out having a good time or doing things with their significant others. I am digesting what life is.
I am a 35-year-old divorced mom of two young children who are my world. I am a woman who enjoys nights out with friends, but who would also appreciate some companionship of the opposite sex. And, despite my earlier assertion that I would be ok being a single mom forever, I am finding that I am actually interested in dating. And, meeting Mr. M has shown me that there are men out there who know what they are doing. Men who work hard. Men who open car doors for women. Men who make women tingle. Men who do what men are supposed to do.
So, Mr. M will remain in the friend category. And, I think I've realized that I am ok with that. His honesty was awesome. And if nothing else, out of the last two weeks, I got a renewed sense of self, renewed hope that there is someone out there who fits with what I want and need in a man, a new friend, and a kick-ass resume. Not bad. I'll just have to keep that tingle in check, and I think I can do that.
I love my JJB mamas. Mr. M has a few different nicknames: "guy with a job" "good smelling guy" and "tingle and spark." My JJB mamas, S, and My Chico helped me learn more about myself too. And they have been an awesome source of support. Two other very dear, close, best friends of mine (Nini and her H) have been awesome as well. Her H reminded me recently that I don't need to settle or compromise.
I was so incredibly young when I got married. So inexperienced. I'm now gaining experience and that is good. And, I'm finding my assertive voice. But, I am also learning how as good as that is, I have to be prepared for whatever comes back at me.
I asserted myself twice today and that brings me to why I am processing all that is me and my life.
One was with Mr. M. I put myself out there. I took a risk. I asked directly (finally) about a second date. Earlier in the week, I had told myself that if he at any point asked to be friends only, my response would be something like, "I don't think that will work...you made me tingle." But by today when the moment actually hit, I felt entirely differently. I don't have experience with this, really. And he had been a great friend to me throughout the week. Why the heck wouldn't I want to be friends with this guy? So, Mr. M is now a friend.
My Chico sent me this: "For what it's worth, I am so proud of you for just getting out there and meeting people. Nice that you felt that fun fuzzy happy feeling of being attracted to someone nice."
S had some really nice things to say too. And Nini went straight into asking me what we are doing tomorrow. Move forward. Plow ahead. Take what I've learned about myself and keep going. I love this! And, continue on with my job applications with a brand spankin' new resume that looks awesome!
So, there was a positive result to being assertive, even though it may not have gone the way I had hoped.
The second assertive experience today with with my ex. He and I are not seeing eye-to-eye on an issue. But, I do not want to let him rule me and I refuse to allow him to use the children in an effort to do so. The entire time we were married, the times I asserted myself were the times of greatest turmoil. So just being able to do this was a huge step. I will not walk on eggshells for him anymore. Even though I still sometimes fear what his reactions may be, I cannot allow that to rule me or the decisions I make for CD and Miss Hollywood. his response brought out some really negative energy. I cry not because he hurts me but because I get so frustrated. How I WANT to respond and what is BEST are two totally different things at times like these. So, I called friends and when they didn't answer, I came to my blog. I will continue to decompress before I respond. That is what is best for my children. And CD and Miss Hollywood are what it's all about.
So, my life right now?
I'm a 35-year-old divorced mom of two awesome kids with: a new friend, great longtime friends, a frustrating but necessary-for-the-kids relationship with my ex, and the knowledge of what I want in a future partner if such a relationship is meant to exist. I am career-driven and more than anxious to get into a classroom. I will work hard to get a job and then I will work hard at my job, or jobs, to provide the absolute best life for my children I possibly can. And, if the court at some point orders me to do so, I suppose I'll spend the rest of my life supporting the ex who never could support himself, let alone his wife and children. And, I'm ok with all of this because I am Bekah. I am going to continue to make myself into the best me I can. I will love myself because I am awesome. Anyone who wants to be a part of my awesomeness, is welcome to do so. But please, do not get in my way and do NOT bring me down. I have no time and no energy for that. I am awesome and I deserve to be happy. Period.
But remnants of the shattered, broken-hearted, low self-esteem Bekah exist. She's not the real Bekah, but she still has a hold on some of my emotions at times.
Today, the two are battling it out. Ok, not really. But, in a way that is how I have felt.
I started writing a new blog post in my head hours ago. I knew it would come. I was ok with waiting on it. Then, I got an email that just pushed me the wrong way. I cried. I gave myself a minute alone in my room. I ate dinner. Then I tried calling S. When I didn't get her on the phone, I tried calling My Chico. I got voice mail there too.
It's Friday night. People are out having a good time or doing things with their significant others. I am digesting what life is.
I am a 35-year-old divorced mom of two young children who are my world. I am a woman who enjoys nights out with friends, but who would also appreciate some companionship of the opposite sex. And, despite my earlier assertion that I would be ok being a single mom forever, I am finding that I am actually interested in dating. And, meeting Mr. M has shown me that there are men out there who know what they are doing. Men who work hard. Men who open car doors for women. Men who make women tingle. Men who do what men are supposed to do.
So, Mr. M will remain in the friend category. And, I think I've realized that I am ok with that. His honesty was awesome. And if nothing else, out of the last two weeks, I got a renewed sense of self, renewed hope that there is someone out there who fits with what I want and need in a man, a new friend, and a kick-ass resume. Not bad. I'll just have to keep that tingle in check, and I think I can do that.
I love my JJB mamas. Mr. M has a few different nicknames: "guy with a job" "good smelling guy" and "tingle and spark." My JJB mamas, S, and My Chico helped me learn more about myself too. And they have been an awesome source of support. Two other very dear, close, best friends of mine (Nini and her H) have been awesome as well. Her H reminded me recently that I don't need to settle or compromise.
I was so incredibly young when I got married. So inexperienced. I'm now gaining experience and that is good. And, I'm finding my assertive voice. But, I am also learning how as good as that is, I have to be prepared for whatever comes back at me.
I asserted myself twice today and that brings me to why I am processing all that is me and my life.
One was with Mr. M. I put myself out there. I took a risk. I asked directly (finally) about a second date. Earlier in the week, I had told myself that if he at any point asked to be friends only, my response would be something like, "I don't think that will work...you made me tingle." But by today when the moment actually hit, I felt entirely differently. I don't have experience with this, really. And he had been a great friend to me throughout the week. Why the heck wouldn't I want to be friends with this guy? So, Mr. M is now a friend.
My Chico sent me this: "For what it's worth, I am so proud of you for just getting out there and meeting people. Nice that you felt that fun fuzzy happy feeling of being attracted to someone nice."
S had some really nice things to say too. And Nini went straight into asking me what we are doing tomorrow. Move forward. Plow ahead. Take what I've learned about myself and keep going. I love this! And, continue on with my job applications with a brand spankin' new resume that looks awesome!
So, there was a positive result to being assertive, even though it may not have gone the way I had hoped.
The second assertive experience today with with my ex. He and I are not seeing eye-to-eye on an issue. But, I do not want to let him rule me and I refuse to allow him to use the children in an effort to do so. The entire time we were married, the times I asserted myself were the times of greatest turmoil. So just being able to do this was a huge step. I will not walk on eggshells for him anymore. Even though I still sometimes fear what his reactions may be, I cannot allow that to rule me or the decisions I make for CD and Miss Hollywood. his response brought out some really negative energy. I cry not because he hurts me but because I get so frustrated. How I WANT to respond and what is BEST are two totally different things at times like these. So, I called friends and when they didn't answer, I came to my blog. I will continue to decompress before I respond. That is what is best for my children. And CD and Miss Hollywood are what it's all about.
So, my life right now?
I'm a 35-year-old divorced mom of two awesome kids with: a new friend, great longtime friends, a frustrating but necessary-for-the-kids relationship with my ex, and the knowledge of what I want in a future partner if such a relationship is meant to exist. I am career-driven and more than anxious to get into a classroom. I will work hard to get a job and then I will work hard at my job, or jobs, to provide the absolute best life for my children I possibly can. And, if the court at some point orders me to do so, I suppose I'll spend the rest of my life supporting the ex who never could support himself, let alone his wife and children. And, I'm ok with all of this because I am Bekah. I am going to continue to make myself into the best me I can. I will love myself because I am awesome. Anyone who wants to be a part of my awesomeness, is welcome to do so. But please, do not get in my way and do NOT bring me down. I have no time and no energy for that. I am awesome and I deserve to be happy. Period.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
A spark and a tingle
So apparently, these two things are things that most people actually experience in their lives. I can't say that I ever really had. I didn't really date. I had crushes. I had interests. But, I don't think I really did much dating. Even still, I was married for nearly 13 years before separating and I really and truly do not recall ever actually feeling those things. I know I loved my former husband. I poured so much into the relationship, into us, into our family. I desperately wanted what I had always envisioned marriage being, but I never got it. It was a bummer. But beyond that, there was no spark (instant or otherwise). We went from being best friends to being engaged. *poof* just like that. I never felt the butterflies and tingle that is apparently what others have felt.
And then, one day last week...I felt it. My entire body was completely energized. I was shocked. "WTH is this?" I wondered. No really, I didn't quite know how to process it. I tingled from head to toe. Just a few days earlier when I first met Mr. M, something (figuratively speaking) stopped me dead in my tracks. I described it later as "I think this might be one of those 'spark' things that people talk about."
I've had one date with Mr. M. I'm not sure if there will actually be more dates or not, though I would love to see what this spark and tingle are all about. But, whatever happens (or doesn't happen), meeting Mr. M has taught me some things. There are hard working 30-something men in the world. Not all gentlemen are off the market. And, the spark and the tingle do exist. I have also learned that there are men in the world who will be supportive and helpful. The best part of all of this is that I am seeing what I want from a man in my life (if that is what is intended for me) and I am not so focused on what I don't want. It's nice to have that positive energy and positive thinking in me. One of the things I want? The spark. Another thing? The tingle.
On a somewhat related note, the divorce is final. I am back to my maiden name. I am continuing to get all of me back and to get and stay on track. My TPA tasks (for my credential) are done and now all I can do is wait for my scores. Then I can do my exit interview. I'll finalize my portfolio while I am in this academic holding pattern. I have also started really seeking employment. I put in an application tonight. More to come this week. I need to work. I miss working. It has been too long. My studies are done so now I can get back to it. I miss the classroom. I cannot wait to have my own, but will sub in the meantime and I will appreciate each and every day I work.
Things are moving forward. Stay tuned for updates. They shall come. And, if you have it in you, say some prayers and think some happy thoughts for this whole Mr. M thing. I would appreciate it. (Prayers are also appreciated for speedy reporting of TPA task scores, finding/getting a teaching job, etc.)
And then, one day last week...I felt it. My entire body was completely energized. I was shocked. "WTH is this?" I wondered. No really, I didn't quite know how to process it. I tingled from head to toe. Just a few days earlier when I first met Mr. M, something (figuratively speaking) stopped me dead in my tracks. I described it later as "I think this might be one of those 'spark' things that people talk about."
I've had one date with Mr. M. I'm not sure if there will actually be more dates or not, though I would love to see what this spark and tingle are all about. But, whatever happens (or doesn't happen), meeting Mr. M has taught me some things. There are hard working 30-something men in the world. Not all gentlemen are off the market. And, the spark and the tingle do exist. I have also learned that there are men in the world who will be supportive and helpful. The best part of all of this is that I am seeing what I want from a man in my life (if that is what is intended for me) and I am not so focused on what I don't want. It's nice to have that positive energy and positive thinking in me. One of the things I want? The spark. Another thing? The tingle.
On a somewhat related note, the divorce is final. I am back to my maiden name. I am continuing to get all of me back and to get and stay on track. My TPA tasks (for my credential) are done and now all I can do is wait for my scores. Then I can do my exit interview. I'll finalize my portfolio while I am in this academic holding pattern. I have also started really seeking employment. I put in an application tonight. More to come this week. I need to work. I miss working. It has been too long. My studies are done so now I can get back to it. I miss the classroom. I cannot wait to have my own, but will sub in the meantime and I will appreciate each and every day I work.
Things are moving forward. Stay tuned for updates. They shall come. And, if you have it in you, say some prayers and think some happy thoughts for this whole Mr. M thing. I would appreciate it. (Prayers are also appreciated for speedy reporting of TPA task scores, finding/getting a teaching job, etc.)
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