On August 8, 1998, I had no idea what my future had in store. I thought I knew what I was doing. I learned that I did not. Less than 10 years into marriage, I found struggles that I wasn't sure how to handle. But, I thought that the love I (thought I) had for my husband and patience would see me through. Just shy of my 13th anniversary, I knew that nothing of my doing was enough to see the "marriage" through and I left. I left.
Tonight marks my second anniversary since the separation, my first since the divorce was finalized. It would have been my 14th wedding anniversary.
The day went nothing like I had expected. Just 20 minutes after I dropped Miss Hollywood off at daycare, I received a call. Possible pink eye. Something that contagious cannot wait a minute. I re-worked my schedule. I did a conference call instead of going to a meeting. I made a few calls. I took Miss Hollywood to the doctor I scrambled to find a sitter willing to come to the house and when I came up empty-handed, I had to do some more adjusting. I had hoped for a hug from Mr. M this week (today). Not because of any residual romantic feelings that may or may not exist, but because I needed a good hug. I've needed one for several days. And, he had made hugs available. Now with a two-year-old being treated for pink eye, that was not an option. I had hoped for even just a few minutes to myself. That was not to be had. Miss Hollywood needed some extra TLC today. She did not understand why she could not go to daycare. She did not understand any of it. She just wanted a regular day and when that was not happening, she needed some lovin from her mama. I think I can relate. I certainly can understand.
I have needed an evening break for a couple of weeks. Tonight, I got it.
Knowing that I would have an hour or so to myself, I texted about six friends to see if anyone could join me. I heard back from only one of the six. She was not available. I was flying solo tonight.
I found a place close. I went by myself. I prayed the kids would understand.
Miss Hollywod cried. CD wanted to know where I was going. And, off I (hesitantly yet determined) went.
The Olympics were on one television set. The Giants game was on another. (It was weird watching live and getting very delayed ESPN alerts on my phone.) I looked around the bar area. A couple of girlfriends. A group of friends. Boyfriends and girlfriends. A husband and wife...celebrating...their anniversary. And there I was. I sat alone. I sipped wine and munched on a few chips. Pink Floy "Comfortably Numb" played in the background. I eventually made my way out to the patio. I relaxed. I reminded myself that I could do this alone time. It wasn't the same as sitting in a movie theater watching "Magic Mike." It wasn't the same as anonymously attending a church service. I had to just.be.alone. I spent my hour alone. I enjoyed the quiet, but I struggled with the alone time. Still, it was time well spent.
And...I closed a door. August 8 is now a meaningless date for me. It has to be. And if ever I begin to forget that, I have email messages I can go back and read to remind me. After almost 13 years of doing everything I could to salvage a farce of a marriage, I left. To "celebrate" the 14ths year since the wedding ceremony took place, I bid farewell to a life that never really was. And, I did it, alone. Successfully.
I returned home quiet and pensive. Mom asked if I was ok. No, I'm not ok. I don't know why exactly, but I'm not entirely ok. I have a lot more to learn. But my resolve in moving forward is strong. I wrote in a recent Facebook status update that "I wouldn't even want to date me right now." But you know what? I'm pretty awesome. And, I enjoyed my date with myself. Now I just have to take steps to help others see my date-worthiness. Or not. I can just be who I am. And if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
I would have liked to have not been entirely alone tonight. But, I do not regret taking myself out even for a second. I deserved it!
In the meantime, August 8 is meaningless now. Chapter closed. Door closed. Window open. Future shining bright with awesomeness.
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