For the second Friday in a row, I have shed tears. This sucks. I don't want to cry. I don't want my self-esteem to take the nasty slip it took a week ago. I want to be the confident, assertive Bekah who takes charge and is proud of who she is and who she is becoming.
But remnants of the shattered, broken-hearted, low self-esteem Bekah exist. She's not the real Bekah, but she still has a hold on some of my emotions at times.
Today, the two are battling it out. Ok, not really. But, in a way that is how I have felt.
I started writing a new blog post in my head hours ago. I knew it would come. I was ok with waiting on it. Then, I got an email that just pushed me the wrong way. I cried. I gave myself a minute alone in my room. I ate dinner. Then I tried calling S. When I didn't get her on the phone, I tried calling My Chico. I got voice mail there too.
It's Friday night. People are out having a good time or doing things with their significant others. I am digesting what life is.
I am a 35-year-old divorced mom of two young children who are my world. I am a woman who enjoys nights out with friends, but who would also appreciate some companionship of the opposite sex. And, despite my earlier assertion that I would be ok being a single mom forever, I am finding that I am actually interested in dating. And, meeting Mr. M has shown me that there are men out there who know what they are doing. Men who work hard. Men who open car doors for women. Men who make women tingle. Men who do what men are supposed to do.
So, Mr. M will remain in the friend category. And, I think I've realized that I am ok with that. His honesty was awesome. And if nothing else, out of the last two weeks, I got a renewed sense of self, renewed hope that there is someone out there who fits with what I want and need in a man, a new friend, and a kick-ass resume. Not bad. I'll just have to keep that tingle in check, and I think I can do that.
I love my JJB mamas. Mr. M has a few different nicknames: "guy with a job" "good smelling guy" and "tingle and spark." My JJB mamas, S, and My Chico helped me learn more about myself too. And they have been an awesome source of support. Two other very dear, close, best friends of mine (Nini and her H) have been awesome as well. Her H reminded me recently that I don't need to settle or compromise.
I was so incredibly young when I got married. So inexperienced. I'm now gaining experience and that is good. And, I'm finding my assertive voice. But, I am also learning how as good as that is, I have to be prepared for whatever comes back at me.
I asserted myself twice today and that brings me to why I am processing all that is me and my life.
One was with Mr. M. I put myself out there. I took a risk. I asked directly (finally) about a second date. Earlier in the week, I had told myself that if he at any point asked to be friends only, my response would be something like, "I don't think that will work...you made me tingle." But by today when the moment actually hit, I felt entirely differently. I don't have experience with this, really. And he had been a great friend to me throughout the week. Why the heck wouldn't I want to be friends with this guy? So, Mr. M is now a friend.
My Chico sent me this: "For what it's worth, I am so proud of you for just getting out there and meeting people. Nice that you felt that fun fuzzy happy feeling of being attracted to someone nice."
S had some really nice things to say too. And Nini went straight into asking me what we are doing tomorrow. Move forward. Plow ahead. Take what I've learned about myself and keep going. I love this! And, continue on with my job applications with a brand spankin' new resume that looks awesome!
So, there was a positive result to being assertive, even though it may not have gone the way I had hoped.
The second assertive experience today with with my ex. He and I are not seeing eye-to-eye on an issue. But, I do not want to let him rule me and I refuse to allow him to use the children in an effort to do so. The entire time we were married, the times I asserted myself were the times of greatest turmoil. So just being able to do this was a huge step. I will not walk on eggshells for him anymore. Even though I still sometimes fear what his reactions may be, I cannot allow that to rule me or the decisions I make for CD and Miss Hollywood. his response brought out some really negative energy. I cry not because he hurts me but because I get so frustrated. How I WANT to respond and what is BEST are two totally different things at times like these. So, I called friends and when they didn't answer, I came to my blog. I will continue to decompress before I respond. That is what is best for my children. And CD and Miss Hollywood are what it's all about.
So, my life right now?
I'm a 35-year-old divorced mom of two awesome kids with: a new friend, great longtime friends, a frustrating but necessary-for-the-kids relationship with my ex, and the knowledge of what I want in a future partner if such a relationship is meant to exist. I am career-driven and more than anxious to get into a classroom. I will work hard to get a job and then I will work hard at my job, or jobs, to provide the absolute best life for my children I possibly can. And, if the court at some point orders me to do so, I suppose I'll spend the rest of my life supporting the ex who never could support himself, let alone his wife and children. And, I'm ok with all of this because I am Bekah. I am going to continue to make myself into the best me I can. I will love myself because I am awesome. Anyone who wants to be a part of my awesomeness, is welcome to do so. But please, do not get in my way and do NOT bring me down. I have no time and no energy for that. I am awesome and I deserve to be happy. Period.
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