The shift

A very positive shift has taken place in my life over the past two weeks. I am overjoyed by it really. It took a counseling session with CD to really realize what a positive shift means not just for me, but for my two children. Again I say, my two beautiful, amazing children!

I have seen a dramatic decline in my anxiety. It has been great! Do I still experiences moments with twinges or even spikes in anxiety? Yes. Yes, I do. And I believe this will be a part of who I am for the foreseeable future. I also recognize that not all days will be "good days." But, I am having far fewer bad days. I have my moments. Don't get me wrong. I am still human. And, I still live with the symptoms I have experienced for a large portion of my life: knots in my stomach, a general uneasiness, a tendency to jump rather dramatically when caught off guard. (CD can be very quiet coming down the hall and when he suddenly appears, it tends to startle me.)

Yet, this positive shift has taken place. I feel more in control of myself and my emotions. I feel stronger and healthier than I have in years.

So, what's different?

One, I have become better at identifying triggers BEFORE they happen. Being able to do this has helped me take things more in stride. There are things I can let roll off my back with more ease than every before. I can also respond calmer and more on-target than before. I had a game plan for some things last week. When I know what to expect, that helps. Even when I get caught off guard, though, I am stronger and more diligent and thoughtful in my responses. There are some things that I know are designed to hurt me and if I take charge and do not allow them to hurt me, then that lessens the control the other person has. This is my life. I know ultimately God is in control of my life on the whole. But I can take and keep control of certain things such as emotional responses. I have done that better over the past two weeks.

Two, at my art group (almost) two weeks ago, we wrote letters. In writing my letter, I just let the words flow. That is often how I do much of my writing, but this turned into an emotional release that caused an amazing adjustment in my thinking. I found that as I wrote there was less anger and more "look at me now." I didn't have to tear the other person down. What I needed for me was to build myself up. I am a good person. Thinking of myself in a positive way is more important than thinking of the other person in a negative way. Also, I wrote things such as "you don't own me" and "you don't control me." I essentially released myself from some of the remaining ties/strings that bound me to the control from which I wished to break free. And freeing it was. The letter I wrote was similar to the Toby Keith song "How Do You Like Me Now?" I am more myself than I have been in YEARS! And, it feels SO GOOD!

Three, I am doing the 32 days of joy and silliness. I take things more in stride with the kids. I nurture their child silliness and find my inner child. I continue to keep boundaries intact and some silliness cannot be tolerated as it is dangerous. But, I can control my response to unacceptable silliness and I can join in with acceptable silliness. I can also stimulate acceptable silliness. Last night, the kids took their baths before dinner. We had a great time and they got clean while dinner heated. (Leftovers helped immensely with this.) Because they had been so good, they had a special opportunity. They got to eat their dinner at the coffee table while watching the Good Night Show on Sprout. I served dinner on zoo animal paper plates and in one ear, I put a few chocolate chips. They got to have their dessert WITH dinner and this was exciting for them. know what I saw? CD ate all of his first helping of dinner first, then the chocolate chips. And then he asked for seconds of EVERYTHING! He ate an incredible dinner! I was so proud! Miss Kiera wasn't quite as on track as CD, but she did just fine. She and I finished our dinners together at the picnic table.

There are still things that make me a little sad. Closing the chapter on the life that was, as well as the life that never was...that's hard. Things are finalizing. It is coming to its end. I rejoice in this because I feel it freeing me to fully move on and be more of who I was, who I am, and who I am meant to be. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm going to strap in and hold on and enjoy the ride. I need to, not just for myself but for those two beautiful, amazing children who call me "mom, mama, mommy, mami, mimaw, mommy, MOM!"

You see, the other thing that I saw this week was a positive shift in CD. He took things more in stride himself. He used his tools. When he threw a train at me last night and didn't get the reaction he was expecting, his first instinct was to try again. Before he could throw it, I calmly acknowledged that I knew he wanted to throw it again and then I calmly suggested 1) that he not and 2) that he carefully consider the choices he makes. He froze. He just stopped. I could see him thinking. And thinking. I talked around him to reinforce his thought process. "Kiera, please don't make faces at your brother. He is trying to think about the choice he needs to make." We stood there for a good two minutes. The train dropped. CD continued to think. Then, all of his anger and frustration literally melted away. His arms dropped. He asked for his bath. The rest of the evening was awesome! I stayed calm. So CD stayed calm. Tonight, we get to go to Movie night at church because of his good problem solving and decision-making. Rock on, brother!

So, I need to take this momentum and run with it. I need to see where it leads. I hope people won't use this post "against" me on a bad day. But perhaps more as a reminder. "Hey Bek, remember about the joy and silliness?" Yeah, that'll work. Far better than, "Didn't you say that you're better now? You can't have a bad day! Get over it! Look...look what you wrote..." Yeah, see...that wouldn't work at all.

Being surrounded by nurturing, loving people has helped me be more of the nurturing, loving person I have always been, but I'm not just doing it for others, I'm doing it for myself. I can nurture and love myself and everyone around me will be better for it.

I thank God for this shift. He had a major role in it.

I leave you with this gem from Romans today. It is a perfect reminder.

Romans 5:1-5 (NKJV) Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Other translations may use sufferings in place of tribulations and endurance in place of perseverence. I like think of those words as well. It really hits the point home.

We may have tribulations. We may suffer. But because of such events in our lives, we are able to endure and persevere. How awesome is that?! And one day, you may wake up and be less anxious about things. You may find that you know how to take things as they come, to let things roll. You can allow things to roll off your back without being bulldozed. I refuse to be bulldozed, but I am happy to let things roll and take them as they come. Sometimes, I may even giggle a little. It's all good. And, if you're having a bad day today. Don't worry. Tomorrow is another day. Wake up with a smile and see where that gets you. Maybe it will help. =)

Embracing joy and silliness

So, I've been participating in 32 Days of Joy and Silliness. It's this little Facebook "movement" of sorts. My blogger friend who got me going with the 100 Acts of Self-Love suggested this and it's a perfect way to continue forward. In fact, I am finding that some of the things that I am doing for joy and silliness are good acts of self-love too. I am also finding that my children are probably the biggest source of joy in my life. I knew they brought me great joy, but don't know that I realized that they really ARE my joy. They are also helping me to discover more silliness. It's been awesome. Where I can be silly, I go for it.

Last night, CD started making funny faces at dinner. Miss Kiera cracked up. For a brief moment, I considered asking him to be more serious at the dinner table. And just as I was coming to realization that a little silliness would be ok, Miss Kiera made a funny face that caused CD to crack up and then... I burst into laughter. I laughed. I laughed hard. And then you know what I did? I joined in! Mashed potato smiles and carrots for teeth with the biggest hits of the evening. The kids ate a great dinner. I had fewer problems with Kiera attempting to stand up in her chair, climb on the table, and generally "goof off." I nurutured silliness and ended up with one of the best dinners we've had all week! It was awesome!

CD had helped make the mashed potatoes. We created our own cheesey mashed potatoes. They were, of course, a hit. He also helped make one of our favorites: curry carrots. They complimented the chicken I made in the crockpot not just with words, but by eating what was on their plates and asking for more.

Nights like last night are what I had hoped to have this summer and I think we're getting there. The tender moments of cuddling are equally awesome. But we needed some silliness in our evening and it was perfect. And...it brought me PURE JOY!

As I shared with the other joy and silliness folks...I let the kids be kids. We need more of that in this world. They grow up too fast as it is. Let's nurture this and see what happens. I may need toemind myself of having said this from time to time, but I want more laughter and joy in life not just for myself, but for my children. That is why I took the path I chose to take a year ago. They deserve it. We deserve it!

Is there still a little bit of child left in you? Take a look and see. You may be surprised by what you find and even more surprised by what it can do for you.

And, if the mood strike you, check out this group. Maybe you'd like to participate and share, as well.

32 Days of Joy and Silliness

"Going through the big "D"...and don't mean Dallas..."

Thank you again George Strait!

In all of my George Strait loving recently, I'd forgotten about this song. Then, as I drove home yesterday, it got stuck in my head. I haven't heard it on the radio in years. But, it fittingly got stuck in my head on a day when some progress was made toward the divorce.

Papers are signed. Now it's just a matter of waiting for the court to do its thing. But, I am not yet divorced. I'm closer, but it isn't a done deal until I hear from the court. And, I'm ok with that.

I am a mixed bag of emotions. I am rejoicing that this particular chapter of my life is coming to a close. The past few months have not been easy. I've had to respond to some rather nitpicky, little things as well as some larger issues...all of which appear to be further attempts at either 1) controling me or 2) getting under my skin. I don't entirely understand it, but of course, for years I attempted to understand things that were beyond my comprehension. How does one emotionally beat down someone to the point where that someone loses herself, all while he refuses to actually step up and take care of business? And do so as though it were the way life should be. The sad part of this is where the batterer (regardless of the type of abuse, a batterer is a batterer) finds it "ok" to play the victim once the battered leaves. In talking with several women who have been down the DV road, this is not uncommon. Apparently once a battered woman decides to leave, she becomes the bad guy. Even sadder is that so many people surround the batterer and take his (or her) side. Defending ridiculous behavior and encouraging the victim card is something that I will never understand.

I am happy that this long, drawn out divorce process is coming to a close finally. It will be a huge step in moving forward and continuing with the healing. Some people do not understand why that piece of paper is so important to those of us waiting for it. But, I am not alone in recognizing its significance. What if you read a book and the last page had been torn out? You would never know the ending. You would never have closure. You can't write (or read) a book without an ending. And, you can't have a divorce without that piece of paper. "S" and I have both made significant progress in our two situations and I am proud of us. I am happy for us. In some ways "S" is ahead of me and in some ways, I am ahead of her. If we had to go through these divorces, I am thankful that we are able to go through them together. I don't know exactly what she feels or what she is experiencing, nor does she know my feelings and experiences. However, we can relate to each other and we can help each other through in ways that no one else can. Sad, but true. We both believe God has had a hand in all of this.

As happy as I am to have the final page of this particular story being written, I am experiencing some real sadness as well. It is a type of mourning. I am not mourning what was "lost." In fact, in "losing" my marriage, I have gained so much of myself back and I have gained so much life for my children that it is difficult to see it as a loss at all. However, I am in a state of mourning. I realized late last night that I am mourning what which never more than an ideal. I knew what I wanted from life. I knew what I wanted from a marriage and for a family. And, I never really had that. Again this week, I realized there were points early on in my marriage where I had sacrificed so much of myself. And I spent YEARS walking on egg shells, attempting to keep the peace wherever and whenever possible. I avoided conflict as much as I could. I worked so hard to keep him happy that I lost much of my own happiness. There were things in life that made me happy, but that true happiness was lacking. I shut down. And more and more of myself shut down through the years. Coming to some of these realizations has been extremely difficult. In the age of social media, life takes interesting twists and turns. I saw that he has already changed his status to divorced. I'm not there yet. It was in seeing this that I felt both relief and sadness. That's it! He got it! Hooray! And yet...still....it seemed so easy for him. Of course, he is the victim here. I am the villain.

I had a (former) family member text me last summer and refer to me as "a pathetic excuse for a human being." I was shattered by that. I sobbed for an hour or more. And then, I was angry. I was frustrated. I knew better than that. I am a good person. I work hard to do good in the world. I genuinely love life. I love people. In college I had a friend once say to me that he knew I was the type of person who would offer the last bite of food to someone else if they were hungry. And I must have maintained some of that because I recently had a friend write to me sand describe me as "a beautiful human being." It is the long-lost college friend, the new friends I am making, the old friends with whom I have reconnected, and the family members who have stayed by my side through my entire life whose opinions matter to me. If they could wait in the wings for me during the roughest of years and periods of my life. If they knew me when. If they know me now. Anyone who really and truly knows me should be able to tell you what I tell myself: I AM AWESOME.

I am not afraid to promote my self image as a positive one. It has taken me a year to get back to truly believing that I am awesome. But I do believe it. I know it. And I am proud of it. I would do anything for just about anyone (within my power) because I know that God would want me to.

How can a man think that he can control my life when really not even I control my life. GOD controls my life. God has seen me through some very dark times, he has blessed me with some amazing experiences and beautiful people, he is guiding me on my way to the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, I'm going through the big D. No, I don't mean Dallas. And I am thankful for how God has blessed me. I am thankful for the people standing by my side. I may cry a little here and there over the next few weeks. There is some grieving continuing. But, I will get through. And so will "S." And so will you...whatever it is you're going through.

Here are the things that have helped me through this week: God's grace and his building up my strength; the project I worked on at my (art) support group early in the week; staying true to myself; love from family and friends; my time with my devotional and in prayer; church on Thursday morning; praying with Miss Kiera each night; taking time to be JOYful and even a little silly; taking the kids places; remembering to breathe. I am SO much healthier than I was a year ago. I pray this continues. I look forward to becoming happier and healthier through time. I look forward to being the best ME I possibly can. And, I thank all of those who have helped me through. I am a tougher cookie than I ever realized.

Gloria Gaynor: "At first I was afraid, I was petrified...kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side, but then I spent so many nights thinkin' how you did me wrong and I grew strong...and I learned how to get along..."

Time flies

June 17. June 17, 2012. I am not entirely sure where time went, but it seems to have flown by all of a sudden. I'm 35. I have a five-year-old getting ready to start kindergarten. I have a two-year-old fashionista princess who is as rough and tough as it comes. She hikes, hunts bugs, plays baseball with her brother...and sometimes, she'll even change out of her dress, necklace, and pretty shoes to do it. She turned two yesterday. As she came out for breakfast on her birthday morning, I would have said she was two going on 15. Before I know it...she will be. And, today we had an incredible Father's Day with my dad. It was in huge contrast to June 17, 2011.

On this date one year ago, I finally found a way out of a difficult marriage. I was scared. I felt alone. I felt sad. I was exhausted. I had a twitch in my left cheek that had been there for a couple of months and I was sure it would be with me for the rest of my life. I woke up that morning and had no idea where the day would take m. By the end of the day, I was tucking my children into their beds at a women's shelter. It was the most difficult decision I made in my almost 13 years of marriage. It was also the bst decision I could have made. Despite the fact that I received text messages from someone I had counted among my then-best friends criticizing my decision. I received horrible text messages and such from all sorts of people who never even knew ME. The real me. As my world came crumbling down, my life came rising back up. I was me again. I have worked on to continue to make myself into the best ME I possibly can. My children deserve the very best of me. I made the decisions I had to make to give them what they deserved.

When I tried to leave five months earlier, I witnessed a suicide threat in front of my two young children. A month after that, I was committed to try counseling. Surely we just needed communicate better. One-by-one, I started checking off items from lists that showed me I was in an abusive relationship. Yikes! Still, counseling would work. I was sure of it. Until...I wasn't. I gre increasingly uncertain as I saw that everytime I committed to trying something through counseling, there was not the same willingness on the part of the person who was supposed to be my partner. Still, I thought perhaps it needed more time to work. And then there was a medical crisis. I needed to see that through. Then a baptism. Then a birthday. And another birthday. And then Father's Day was approaching. I suddenly woke up a little more. There was never going to be a good time. In fact, by this point, I was staying simply because I was afraid to leave. I was afraid of him. Wow! That sucked. The realization hurt. It really hurt. So, I had to step up my search for help. Once I did, all things pointed me in one direction. In fact, I recently sketched something illustrating this. I will share it soon.

I did not want to go into a shelter. I thought the idea was crazy. But, then I thought it through. It really was the best decision to make. We received so much help and support. There were groups. There was one-on-one help. There were chores to be done. There were others in similar situations. There were others in incredibly different situations. There were prayers said. There were prayers answered. There were hard days. There were terribly, horribly difficult days. And, there were great days. There were tears shed and laughs shared. I had to stop attending my credential class because it wasn't the safest thing to do...sticking with my regular schedule. I was isolated from my friends and family during this process of healing. And still I had people accusing me of doing something "to them." I did nothing to anyone. I did something for myself and for my children. I was accused of being selfish. And, you know what...I was selfish. I needed to be selfish. I need to put myself and my children first. It had been far too long since I had done for myself and as I said, my children deserved the best of me. They still do. If loving my children is selfish, then I will gladly own that tag. And I am not ashamed to love myself enough to work on improving myself.

My twitch was gone within about a week, though it still surfaced every now and then. It was gone for good within a couple of months. The ngiht sweats that had been a regular part of my were gone within a couple of weeks. I still have bad dreams, but full-blown nightmares are fading away. I still don't sleep well, but my eating has improved tremendously. I am surrounded by amazing friends and family even though some are from afar. I have reconneced with great people. And, I have people who never knew the real me, the core of my being, the happy, outgoing, fun-loving, go-getter...and now that they know me a little better, they are still in my life.

June 17, 2012 brings mixed emotions. But, I made it through. And, my dad had a great Father's Day which makes me happy. There's a lot of healing left to do. And time will continue to fly by. But, as long as the healing continues as time flies, it's all good. And, it will. It will. This day, one year ago... is where the healing began.

And, this is what makes it all even more worthwhile:

Even when I have a "bad" day....these two make it ALL good! Looking around and seeing how blessed I am is amazing! God is at work in my life. He has been all along. That is why I do not regret things in my past. Rather, I live, simply, for the future. Thanks be to God!

First dance to now...letting myself go

When we were planning our wedding all those years ago, I had a song I loved that I'd wanted for our first dance. George Strait's "I Cross My Heart." It is very future focused. It's a love song. It's a promise for working together. It's what, in my mind, marriage is all about.

I cross my heart and promise to

give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true

in all the world, you'll never find

a love as true as mine....

...and if along the way, we find a day, it starts to storm

you've got the promise of my love to keep you warm...

Perfection! Absolutel perfection! And then, my husband-to-be came across another song. K-Ci and Jo-Jo's "All My Life." I liked it. It worked fine. Mostly, he loved it and so, I agreed to it. We had a great first dance. We had help from my dear friend's dad and his then-girlfriend in actually working on a dance. It was my one and only dance with my husband.

All my life, I've prayed for someone like you

and I thank God that I finally found you...

Hearing it now, I hear it differently. It was very focused on the here and now. The waiting and praying for THIS ONE moment. Waiting for a person, or an idea of a person, to come along. I was heartbroken when I realized that something as simple as the first dance song decision showed the differences in how we viewed life and love. It was through this realization that I ultimately realized that I have NEVER known true, romantic love. I know manipulation. I know the idea of love. I know (I think) how to love. But I do not know what it means to truly share love, to experience love and to have a life partner. And, I'm ok with that now.

Having gone through the self-love experience over the better part of the past month, I have taken time for me, to love myself. And that's awesome. I thank my friend and fellow blogger for not only inviting others to participate, but for encouraging those of us who did participate. It was the best love I have felt in a long time and I am attempting to continue with it as much as I can. Daily.

And now, I find it fitting that one of the best songs I have heard lately is a different George Strait song. It brings me to where I am right here and right now,  in this healing process.

Let Herself Go

She poured her heart an' soul into their three-bedroom ranch.
Spent her days raisin' babies, ironin' his pants.
Came home one day from the grocery store and found his note,
And without him there to stop her, she let herself go.

Let herself go on her first blind-date:
Had the time of her life with some friends at the lake.
Let herself go, buy a brand new car,
Drove down to the beach he always said was too far.
Sand sure felt good between her toes:
She let herself go on a singles cruise,
To Vegas once, then to Honolulu.
Let herself go to New York City:
A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty.
When he said he didn't love her no more,
She let herself go.

The song's lyrics aren't 100% applicable to me, but there is a lot that is and there is just something awesome in it....it made me smie.

But, remember yesterday's post? I'm looking for a dance partner. George Strait has a song for that, too. =)

I don’t want to be the kind to hesitate, be too shy, wait too late
I don’t care what they say other lovers do,
I just want to dance with you.
I gotta feeling that you have a heart like mine,
So let it show, let it shine.
If we have a chance to make one heart of two,
I just want to dance with you.

Life's a dance...

Ah, yes, memories. Some sweet. Some not so sweet. Some flat out upsetting. Still, memories are reflections on the events and times in our lives who made us who we are today. I do enjoy reflecting on life, even when it stirs some very raw emotion. I am, of course, still in the midst of a healing process. Memorial Day 2007...I was supposed to meet a dear friend for breakfast. There was a barbecue/party that afternoon, too. It was going to be a great day. I was just shy of 37 weeks in my pregnancy. The week before, one of my doctors told me I would probably not make it to my due date. I insisted that I would. He commented on how big the baby was measuring and said that I probably did not want to go all the way to my due date. But, I did. I really did want to make it. I had a job that I loved. My due date was five days after the last day of school. It all seemed so perfect.

And then, it was Memorial Day. May 28, 2007. I woke up to what seemed like "leaking." I wasn't entirely sure what was going on, so I posted on my moms' board and went back to bed. I got up a little later and by this point was almost 100% certain that my water broke. Oh boy! So, I woke up my (then) husband and said that we needed to go to the hospital so I could be checked out. We had just completed the childbirth preparation class earlier in May. Off we went. I called my friend. "I don't think I'm going to make it to breakfast," I said sitting in a waiting room at the hospital. Sure enough, we found that I needed to be admitted. I tried to stick to my childbirth plan. But, Connor had other intentions. My "sunnyside up" boy refused to turn around. After a few hours of labor and two hours of pushing, I was being taken in for an emergency C-section. Not my best day ever and yet, my best day ever all in one. A weird mix of emotions. Eleven hours after deciding to head to the hospital, we welcomed Connor Duncan into our lives and hearts. It would be another two hours (or more) before I would actually get to see and hold my baby boy. That was five years ago. Time flew by and there was no catching it.

Yesterday, I made a new memory with Connor. I had the honor and privilege of taking him to his very first Major League Baseball game...his first Giants game. Five years and one week after he left an imprint on my heart that will last a lifetime, I got to share in his joy and enthusiasm as he took in each and every moment of his time at AT&T Park.

As we walked up and up and up to our seats, I snapped pictures and watched his amazement at each little thing. I told him, "you will remember this for the rest of your life." What a great day!

***

Over the weekend, I received back three photo albums. They contained pictures from throughout my life up until I was about 18-years-old. As I flipped through these albums, I shared some of my life with my two children. I reflected fondly on some great family time with my mom. I shared memories with her and my kids. One of the three albums was ruined with mold. I knew
I would have to go through and salvage what I could. I put it off a day. Then, with rain in the forecast, I knew it was time to do what I could with the albums. (I was keeping them outside until I cleaned them up.) I first tackled the two that just needed some dusting and wiping down. I cleaned them up and set them aside. Then, I went through page by page and salvaged what I could from the moldy album. It meant I had to go through photo by photo, article by article. some things
were trash. Some things were in ok shape. Some things were just fine, but I had to remove them one-by-one from the album. And, I did. As I neared the end, there was at least one page that I could not even turn to look at. I will never know what is on that page. And, I have to be ok with that. One thing became very clear to me as I did this. I was a dork, but I was happy. I was happy. I enjoyed life. I wasn't afraid to be a bit of a nerd. I loved my friends.

I was surrounded by incredible people. Some memories had to be left in the trashed album. And iinterestingly, for the most part those are things that are best left there. The friends who were nearest and dearest to me for much of this album are still a part of my life now. Or, I guess, in reality, they are fully a part of my life again. I felt as if in some ways the 13 years of marriage had done to my life what water damage did to this photo album. It had trashed parts of me. I lost parts of me and now I am going back and trying to salvage what I can. Most of my happy, goofy pictures in these albums are pictures with Shannah, Faby, and Karen.

Guess which three friends are helping me be happy and goofy now. Bekah is breaking free from the modly album and coming back. Yep! I'm getting back to me, the real me. Yet, I am still a different person than I was at the time these pictures were taken. The damage is there, but I am able to preserve parts of myself. I am changed. I will forever be changed. And, that's ok.

I also came across my winter formal pictures. My date for the evening was very sick. He could have (maybe even should have) canceled. He didn't. He still took me to the dance. I wrote him to thank him for that. Though, I simply thanked him for going with me. He wrote back and he mentioned how sick he was. It was a bummer, but I still have the memory that there are men in the world who will set aside themselves, even in illness, to keep a commitment. There is hope in this crazy world.
Knowing that I went to winter formal with someone who may or may not have actually wanted to go with me to begin with, but did and even did so though he was sick. Knowing that my date for prom was one of my very best friends. Knowing that my former husband never liked to dance. And, knowing me and how much I like to dance, even when I look like a total dork. Here are a couple of things that are on my mind. I hope to one day have a two-step partner. I hope to have someone, someday take me dancing. Whether I ever have a life partner or not I do not know and don't want to consume myself with right now. I have two life partners who bring me great joy in my two beautiful children. And they enjoy dancing. I enjoy dancing with them. But I still hope to one day have a dance partner, even if just for a night.

I'm a little silly at times. I'm a little chill at times. I'm still processing so much. And, I'm ok. People will either love me for who I am or they can step aside and just let me be.