In all of my George Strait loving recently, I'd forgotten about this song. Then, as I drove home yesterday, it got stuck in my head. I haven't heard it on the radio in years. But, it fittingly got stuck in my head on a day when some progress was made toward the divorce.
Papers are signed. Now it's just a matter of waiting for the court to do its thing. But, I am not yet divorced. I'm closer, but it isn't a done deal until I hear from the court. And, I'm ok with that.
I am a mixed bag of emotions. I am rejoicing that this particular chapter of my life is coming to a close. The past few months have not been easy. I've had to respond to some rather nitpicky, little things as well as some larger issues...all of which appear to be further attempts at either 1) controling me or 2) getting under my skin. I don't entirely understand it, but of course, for years I attempted to understand things that were beyond my comprehension. How does one emotionally beat down someone to the point where that someone loses herself, all while he refuses to actually step up and take care of business? And do so as though it were the way life should be. The sad part of this is where the batterer (regardless of the type of abuse, a batterer is a batterer) finds it "ok" to play the victim once the battered leaves. In talking with several women who have been down the DV road, this is not uncommon. Apparently once a battered woman decides to leave, she becomes the bad guy. Even sadder is that so many people surround the batterer and take his (or her) side. Defending ridiculous behavior and encouraging the victim card is something that I will never understand.
I am happy that this long, drawn out divorce process is coming to a close finally. It will be a huge step in moving forward and continuing with the healing. Some people do not understand why that piece of paper is so important to those of us waiting for it. But, I am not alone in recognizing its significance. What if you read a book and the last page had been torn out? You would never know the ending. You would never have closure. You can't write (or read) a book without an ending. And, you can't have a divorce without that piece of paper. "S" and I have both made significant progress in our two situations and I am proud of us. I am happy for us. In some ways "S" is ahead of me and in some ways, I am ahead of her. If we had to go through these divorces, I am thankful that we are able to go through them together. I don't know exactly what she feels or what she is experiencing, nor does she know my feelings and experiences. However, we can relate to each other and we can help each other through in ways that no one else can. Sad, but true. We both believe God has had a hand in all of this.
As happy as I am to have the final page of this particular story being written, I am experiencing some real sadness as well. It is a type of mourning. I am not mourning what was "lost." In fact, in "losing" my marriage, I have gained so much of myself back and I have gained so much life for my children that it is difficult to see it as a loss at all. However, I am in a state of mourning. I realized late last night that I am mourning what which never more than an ideal. I knew what I wanted from life. I knew what I wanted from a marriage and for a family. And, I never really had that. Again this week, I realized there were points early on in my marriage where I had sacrificed so much of myself. And I spent YEARS walking on egg shells, attempting to keep the peace wherever and whenever possible. I avoided conflict as much as I could. I worked so hard to keep him happy that I lost much of my own happiness. There were things in life that made me happy, but that true happiness was lacking. I shut down. And more and more of myself shut down through the years. Coming to some of these realizations has been extremely difficult. In the age of social media, life takes interesting twists and turns. I saw that he has already changed his status to divorced. I'm not there yet. It was in seeing this that I felt both relief and sadness. That's it! He got it! Hooray! And yet...still....it seemed so easy for him. Of course, he is the victim here. I am the villain.
I had a (former) family member text me last summer and refer to me as "a pathetic excuse for a human being." I was shattered by that. I sobbed for an hour or more. And then, I was angry. I was frustrated. I knew better than that. I am a good person. I work hard to do good in the world. I genuinely love life. I love people. In college I had a friend once say to me that he knew I was the type of person who would offer the last bite of food to someone else if they were hungry. And I must have maintained some of that because I recently had a friend write to me sand describe me as "a beautiful human being." It is the long-lost college friend, the new friends I am making, the old friends with whom I have reconnected, and the family members who have stayed by my side through my entire life whose opinions matter to me. If they could wait in the wings for me during the roughest of years and periods of my life. If they knew me when. If they know me now. Anyone who really and truly knows me should be able to tell you what I tell myself: I AM AWESOME.
I am not afraid to promote my self image as a positive one. It has taken me a year to get back to truly believing that I am awesome. But I do believe it. I know it. And I am proud of it. I would do anything for just about anyone (within my power) because I know that God would want me to.
How can a man think that he can control my life when really not even I control my life. GOD controls my life. God has seen me through some very dark times, he has blessed me with some amazing experiences and beautiful people, he is guiding me on my way to the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, I'm going through the big D. No, I don't mean Dallas. And I am thankful for how God has blessed me. I am thankful for the people standing by my side. I may cry a little here and there over the next few weeks. There is some grieving continuing. But, I will get through. And so will "S." And so will you...whatever it is you're going through.
Here are the things that have helped me through this week: God's grace and his building up my strength; the project I worked on at my (art) support group early in the week; staying true to myself; love from family and friends; my time with my devotional and in prayer; church on Thursday morning; praying with Miss Kiera each night; taking time to be JOYful and even a little silly; taking the kids places; remembering to breathe. I am SO much healthier than I was a year ago. I pray this continues. I look forward to becoming happier and healthier through time. I look forward to being the best ME I possibly can. And, I thank all of those who have helped me through. I am a tougher cookie than I ever realized.
Gloria Gaynor: "At first I was afraid, I was petrified...kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side, but then I spent so many nights thinkin' how you did me wrong and I grew strong...and I learned how to get along..."
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