Life's a dance...

Ah, yes, memories. Some sweet. Some not so sweet. Some flat out upsetting. Still, memories are reflections on the events and times in our lives who made us who we are today. I do enjoy reflecting on life, even when it stirs some very raw emotion. I am, of course, still in the midst of a healing process. Memorial Day 2007...I was supposed to meet a dear friend for breakfast. There was a barbecue/party that afternoon, too. It was going to be a great day. I was just shy of 37 weeks in my pregnancy. The week before, one of my doctors told me I would probably not make it to my due date. I insisted that I would. He commented on how big the baby was measuring and said that I probably did not want to go all the way to my due date. But, I did. I really did want to make it. I had a job that I loved. My due date was five days after the last day of school. It all seemed so perfect.

And then, it was Memorial Day. May 28, 2007. I woke up to what seemed like "leaking." I wasn't entirely sure what was going on, so I posted on my moms' board and went back to bed. I got up a little later and by this point was almost 100% certain that my water broke. Oh boy! So, I woke up my (then) husband and said that we needed to go to the hospital so I could be checked out. We had just completed the childbirth preparation class earlier in May. Off we went. I called my friend. "I don't think I'm going to make it to breakfast," I said sitting in a waiting room at the hospital. Sure enough, we found that I needed to be admitted. I tried to stick to my childbirth plan. But, Connor had other intentions. My "sunnyside up" boy refused to turn around. After a few hours of labor and two hours of pushing, I was being taken in for an emergency C-section. Not my best day ever and yet, my best day ever all in one. A weird mix of emotions. Eleven hours after deciding to head to the hospital, we welcomed Connor Duncan into our lives and hearts. It would be another two hours (or more) before I would actually get to see and hold my baby boy. That was five years ago. Time flew by and there was no catching it.

Yesterday, I made a new memory with Connor. I had the honor and privilege of taking him to his very first Major League Baseball game...his first Giants game. Five years and one week after he left an imprint on my heart that will last a lifetime, I got to share in his joy and enthusiasm as he took in each and every moment of his time at AT&T Park.

As we walked up and up and up to our seats, I snapped pictures and watched his amazement at each little thing. I told him, "you will remember this for the rest of your life." What a great day!

***

Over the weekend, I received back three photo albums. They contained pictures from throughout my life up until I was about 18-years-old. As I flipped through these albums, I shared some of my life with my two children. I reflected fondly on some great family time with my mom. I shared memories with her and my kids. One of the three albums was ruined with mold. I knew
I would have to go through and salvage what I could. I put it off a day. Then, with rain in the forecast, I knew it was time to do what I could with the albums. (I was keeping them outside until I cleaned them up.) I first tackled the two that just needed some dusting and wiping down. I cleaned them up and set them aside. Then, I went through page by page and salvaged what I could from the moldy album. It meant I had to go through photo by photo, article by article. some things
were trash. Some things were in ok shape. Some things were just fine, but I had to remove them one-by-one from the album. And, I did. As I neared the end, there was at least one page that I could not even turn to look at. I will never know what is on that page. And, I have to be ok with that. One thing became very clear to me as I did this. I was a dork, but I was happy. I was happy. I enjoyed life. I wasn't afraid to be a bit of a nerd. I loved my friends.

I was surrounded by incredible people. Some memories had to be left in the trashed album. And iinterestingly, for the most part those are things that are best left there. The friends who were nearest and dearest to me for much of this album are still a part of my life now. Or, I guess, in reality, they are fully a part of my life again. I felt as if in some ways the 13 years of marriage had done to my life what water damage did to this photo album. It had trashed parts of me. I lost parts of me and now I am going back and trying to salvage what I can. Most of my happy, goofy pictures in these albums are pictures with Shannah, Faby, and Karen.

Guess which three friends are helping me be happy and goofy now. Bekah is breaking free from the modly album and coming back. Yep! I'm getting back to me, the real me. Yet, I am still a different person than I was at the time these pictures were taken. The damage is there, but I am able to preserve parts of myself. I am changed. I will forever be changed. And, that's ok.

I also came across my winter formal pictures. My date for the evening was very sick. He could have (maybe even should have) canceled. He didn't. He still took me to the dance. I wrote him to thank him for that. Though, I simply thanked him for going with me. He wrote back and he mentioned how sick he was. It was a bummer, but I still have the memory that there are men in the world who will set aside themselves, even in illness, to keep a commitment. There is hope in this crazy world.
Knowing that I went to winter formal with someone who may or may not have actually wanted to go with me to begin with, but did and even did so though he was sick. Knowing that my date for prom was one of my very best friends. Knowing that my former husband never liked to dance. And, knowing me and how much I like to dance, even when I look like a total dork. Here are a couple of things that are on my mind. I hope to one day have a two-step partner. I hope to have someone, someday take me dancing. Whether I ever have a life partner or not I do not know and don't want to consume myself with right now. I have two life partners who bring me great joy in my two beautiful children. And they enjoy dancing. I enjoy dancing with them. But I still hope to one day have a dance partner, even if just for a night.

I'm a little silly at times. I'm a little chill at times. I'm still processing so much. And, I'm ok. People will either love me for who I am or they can step aside and just let me be.