Time flies

June 17. June 17, 2012. I am not entirely sure where time went, but it seems to have flown by all of a sudden. I'm 35. I have a five-year-old getting ready to start kindergarten. I have a two-year-old fashionista princess who is as rough and tough as it comes. She hikes, hunts bugs, plays baseball with her brother...and sometimes, she'll even change out of her dress, necklace, and pretty shoes to do it. She turned two yesterday. As she came out for breakfast on her birthday morning, I would have said she was two going on 15. Before I know it...she will be. And, today we had an incredible Father's Day with my dad. It was in huge contrast to June 17, 2011.

On this date one year ago, I finally found a way out of a difficult marriage. I was scared. I felt alone. I felt sad. I was exhausted. I had a twitch in my left cheek that had been there for a couple of months and I was sure it would be with me for the rest of my life. I woke up that morning and had no idea where the day would take m. By the end of the day, I was tucking my children into their beds at a women's shelter. It was the most difficult decision I made in my almost 13 years of marriage. It was also the bst decision I could have made. Despite the fact that I received text messages from someone I had counted among my then-best friends criticizing my decision. I received horrible text messages and such from all sorts of people who never even knew ME. The real me. As my world came crumbling down, my life came rising back up. I was me again. I have worked on to continue to make myself into the best ME I possibly can. My children deserve the very best of me. I made the decisions I had to make to give them what they deserved.

When I tried to leave five months earlier, I witnessed a suicide threat in front of my two young children. A month after that, I was committed to try counseling. Surely we just needed communicate better. One-by-one, I started checking off items from lists that showed me I was in an abusive relationship. Yikes! Still, counseling would work. I was sure of it. Until...I wasn't. I gre increasingly uncertain as I saw that everytime I committed to trying something through counseling, there was not the same willingness on the part of the person who was supposed to be my partner. Still, I thought perhaps it needed more time to work. And then there was a medical crisis. I needed to see that through. Then a baptism. Then a birthday. And another birthday. And then Father's Day was approaching. I suddenly woke up a little more. There was never going to be a good time. In fact, by this point, I was staying simply because I was afraid to leave. I was afraid of him. Wow! That sucked. The realization hurt. It really hurt. So, I had to step up my search for help. Once I did, all things pointed me in one direction. In fact, I recently sketched something illustrating this. I will share it soon.

I did not want to go into a shelter. I thought the idea was crazy. But, then I thought it through. It really was the best decision to make. We received so much help and support. There were groups. There was one-on-one help. There were chores to be done. There were others in similar situations. There were others in incredibly different situations. There were prayers said. There were prayers answered. There were hard days. There were terribly, horribly difficult days. And, there were great days. There were tears shed and laughs shared. I had to stop attending my credential class because it wasn't the safest thing to do...sticking with my regular schedule. I was isolated from my friends and family during this process of healing. And still I had people accusing me of doing something "to them." I did nothing to anyone. I did something for myself and for my children. I was accused of being selfish. And, you know what...I was selfish. I needed to be selfish. I need to put myself and my children first. It had been far too long since I had done for myself and as I said, my children deserved the best of me. They still do. If loving my children is selfish, then I will gladly own that tag. And I am not ashamed to love myself enough to work on improving myself.

My twitch was gone within about a week, though it still surfaced every now and then. It was gone for good within a couple of months. The ngiht sweats that had been a regular part of my were gone within a couple of weeks. I still have bad dreams, but full-blown nightmares are fading away. I still don't sleep well, but my eating has improved tremendously. I am surrounded by amazing friends and family even though some are from afar. I have reconneced with great people. And, I have people who never knew the real me, the core of my being, the happy, outgoing, fun-loving, go-getter...and now that they know me a little better, they are still in my life.

June 17, 2012 brings mixed emotions. But, I made it through. And, my dad had a great Father's Day which makes me happy. There's a lot of healing left to do. And time will continue to fly by. But, as long as the healing continues as time flies, it's all good. And, it will. It will. This day, one year ago... is where the healing began.

And, this is what makes it all even more worthwhile:

Even when I have a "bad" day....these two make it ALL good! Looking around and seeing how blessed I am is amazing! God is at work in my life. He has been all along. That is why I do not regret things in my past. Rather, I live, simply, for the future. Thanks be to God!