I have seen a dramatic decline in my anxiety. It has been great! Do I still experiences moments with twinges or even spikes in anxiety? Yes. Yes, I do. And I believe this will be a part of who I am for the foreseeable future. I also recognize that not all days will be "good days." But, I am having far fewer bad days. I have my moments. Don't get me wrong. I am still human. And, I still live with the symptoms I have experienced for a large portion of my life: knots in my stomach, a general uneasiness, a tendency to jump rather dramatically when caught off guard. (CD can be very quiet coming down the hall and when he suddenly appears, it tends to startle me.)
Yet, this positive shift has taken place. I feel more in control of myself and my emotions. I feel stronger and healthier than I have in years.
So, what's different?
One, I have become better at identifying triggers BEFORE they happen. Being able to do this has helped me take things more in stride. There are things I can let roll off my back with more ease than every before. I can also respond calmer and more on-target than before. I had a game plan for some things last week. When I know what to expect, that helps. Even when I get caught off guard, though, I am stronger and more diligent and thoughtful in my responses. There are some things that I know are designed to hurt me and if I take charge and do not allow them to hurt me, then that lessens the control the other person has. This is my life. I know ultimately God is in control of my life on the whole. But I can take and keep control of certain things such as emotional responses. I have done that better over the past two weeks.
Two, at my art group (almost) two weeks ago, we wrote letters. In writing my letter, I just let the words flow. That is often how I do much of my writing, but this turned into an emotional release that caused an amazing adjustment in my thinking. I found that as I wrote there was less anger and more "look at me now." I didn't have to tear the other person down. What I needed for me was to build myself up. I am a good person. Thinking of myself in a positive way is more important than thinking of the other person in a negative way. Also, I wrote things such as "you don't own me" and "you don't control me." I essentially released myself from some of the remaining ties/strings that bound me to the control from which I wished to break free. And freeing it was. The letter I wrote was similar to the Toby Keith song "How Do You Like Me Now?" I am more myself than I have been in YEARS! And, it feels SO GOOD!
Three, I am doing the 32 days of joy and silliness. I take things more in stride with the kids. I nurture their child silliness and find my inner child. I continue to keep boundaries intact and some silliness cannot be tolerated as it is dangerous. But, I can control my response to unacceptable silliness and I can join in with acceptable silliness. I can also stimulate acceptable silliness. Last night, the kids took their baths before dinner. We had a great time and they got clean while dinner heated. (Leftovers helped immensely with this.) Because they had been so good, they had a special opportunity. They got to eat their dinner at the coffee table while watching the Good Night Show on Sprout. I served dinner on zoo animal paper plates and in one ear, I put a few chocolate chips. They got to have their dessert WITH dinner and this was exciting for them. know what I saw? CD ate all of his first helping of dinner first, then the chocolate chips. And then he asked for seconds of EVERYTHING! He ate an incredible dinner! I was so proud! Miss Kiera wasn't quite as on track as CD, but she did just fine. She and I finished our dinners together at the picnic table.
There are still things that make me a little sad. Closing the chapter on the life that was, as well as the life that never was...that's hard. Things are finalizing. It is coming to its end. I rejoice in this because I feel it freeing me to fully move on and be more of who I was, who I am, and who I am meant to be. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm going to strap in and hold on and enjoy the ride. I need to, not just for myself but for those two beautiful, amazing children who call me "mom, mama, mommy, mami, mimaw, mommy, MOM!"
You see, the other thing that I saw this week was a positive shift in CD. He took things more in stride himself. He used his tools. When he threw a train at me last night and didn't get the reaction he was expecting, his first instinct was to try again. Before he could throw it, I calmly acknowledged that I knew he wanted to throw it again and then I calmly suggested 1) that he not and 2) that he carefully consider the choices he makes. He froze. He just stopped. I could see him thinking. And thinking. I talked around him to reinforce his thought process. "Kiera, please don't make faces at your brother. He is trying to think about the choice he needs to make." We stood there for a good two minutes. The train dropped. CD continued to think. Then, all of his anger and frustration literally melted away. His arms dropped. He asked for his bath. The rest of the evening was awesome! I stayed calm. So CD stayed calm. Tonight, we get to go to Movie night at church because of his good problem solving and decision-making. Rock on, brother!
So, I need to take this momentum and run with it. I need to see where it leads. I hope people won't use this post "against" me on a bad day. But perhaps more as a reminder. "Hey Bek, remember about the joy and silliness?" Yeah, that'll work. Far better than, "Didn't you say that you're better now? You can't have a bad day! Get over it! Look...look what you wrote..." Yeah, see...that wouldn't work at all.
Being surrounded by nurturing, loving people has helped me be more of the nurturing, loving person I have always been, but I'm not just doing it for others, I'm doing it for myself. I can nurture and love myself and everyone around me will be better for it.
I thank God for this shift. He had a major role in it.
I leave you with this gem from Romans today. It is a perfect reminder.
Romans 5:1-5 (NKJV) Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Other translations may use sufferings in place of tribulations and endurance in place of perseverence. I like think of those words as well. It really hits the point home.
We may have tribulations. We may suffer. But because of such events in our lives, we are able to endure and persevere. How awesome is that?! And one day, you may wake up and be less anxious about things. You may find that you know how to take things as they come, to let things roll. You can allow things to roll off your back without being bulldozed. I refuse to be bulldozed, but I am happy to let things roll and take them as they come. Sometimes, I may even giggle a little. It's all good. And, if you're having a bad day today. Don't worry. Tomorrow is another day. Wake up with a smile and see where that gets you. Maybe it will help. =)
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