His name was Lawrence Joseph

The pregnancy had been difficult. I made my first trip to the ER on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. The bleeding scared me. My body was under so much stress. I was scared. I had already had nightmares. I have them written and saved on my desktop computer which is not functional right now. Someday I may go back and read through the nightmares again. But I don't really have to. I remember.

My next ER visit was again on a Monday.

Then again.

Each time the baby looked good. I checked out fine. Nothing was wrong. Why was there so much blood?

I saw a specialist. I was put on modified bedrest. I made accommodations at work so I could still teach my adult school students. I did what I was told, when I was told. I asked for help. I could not lift my almost two-year-old son. So, I would sit and have him climb into my lap. He was so excited about being a big brother.

On April 25, 2009, I woke up in excruciating pain. "I think I might have a urinary tract infection," I thought. I said. I took it easy. The pain eased some. I went to a small family event with CD, his grandma, and his Godmother. The pain got worse.

"I'm either in labor or this is the worst urinary tract infection of my life." We went to the hospital.

No doctor saw me. Only an L&D nurse. I was diagnosed by phone with a UTI. I did not appear to be in labor. I was prescribed medication. I took it immediately. I started to feel a little better. We ate dinner. He went back into his "hole" (his office). CD and grandma went to bed. I sat. The pain came back with a vengeance. It was one of the most awful things I have ever experienced. I remember the pain coming on fast and furious. I remember the clicking of the rice cooker cycling. "It's just a UTI," I thought. Afterall, I had been to the hospital and that's what they diagnosed. I rode it out. Until I couldn't any longer...

I stood from the recliner. I stopped in the bathroom. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong, very, very wrong. I made my way down the hall and stopped in the doorway to the office. "Something's not right." "Do you need to go back to the hospital," he asked. "I think so," I said. (In retrospect, I think "well, duh!") Off we went.

I barely made it into the L&D observation room. I started to deliver his lifeless body with no nurse, no doctor in the room. They came running as I yelled, "he's coming!" It was sometime after 2 a.m. on April 26. My second child was stillborn, but born, still.

We named him. His name was Lawrence Joseph. I refer to him as LJ.

I had an amazing day today! One thing I have learned is that we absolutely, positively must live each day to the fullest. We never know what the next day will bring, the next moment even. You can't live with regrets. (Lord knows if one could, I would probably find a ton.) I had an amazing day today! I cherished amazingly awesome moments! I am quite happy I love my life. And honestly, I am all too aware that I if I changed anything, it would change where I am and what I am doing, so I can't say I would change anything.

I embraced a moment with a ladybug crawling on my arm. I enjoyed my students. I held a piglet. Today was a great day! And, as I wrote this, listening to P!nk's "Beam Me Up," Miss Hollywood came to me and asked me to dance. So, we danced. She smiled big smiles! We smiled together. We loved each other and we loved the moment. And in that moment, I remembered that I may not have her if I hadn't gone through what I did.

His name was Lawrence Joseph. He is my son. I am a mom of three, even if only two are here with me physically.

It truly is a GREAT day to be alive!

(feel free to stop this after the song ends)