To say I have fallen behind would be a great understatement. The good part,  I suppose, is that I have been living life. The bad part is that I am not blogging. I set up this blog to help keep me on track as I work on a book. So, to stay on track, I need to blog. I have fallen behind again on my TPA task writing. I need to complete it in order to complete my credential. So, needless to say, I have a lot of work to do!
I have committed myself recently to 100 acts of self-love as part of something a mom friend of mine is doing. It is keeping me focused on some important things as I work to complete at least five acts of self love each day for 20 days. It is going surprisingly well. I love myself. Of that, I have no doubt. But after 13 years of being beaten down emotionally, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I have already made great strides in getting a lot back, but this 20-day commitment is helping a LOT right now.
So, putting this all together in my head led me to coming up with a two-week, strict schedule. I need to hold myself accountable. I need to see things through. I am hoping to continue with this stricter schedule at least until I have completed my TPA task writing. Then, I can re-work the schedule. So far, so good. Except, I cut into my blog time with a little more Facebook time than I had expected this morning. I have blog time set aside for most mornings. It is something I can do while I have my morning coffee. I have one hour in the mornign for FB and blogging, unless I am scheduled to substitute teach. I then have a total of up to four hours a day set aside for working on the TPA tasks. Some of it is "homework" time and some is "class" time. I have done it this way so that I do not get sidetracked. I will work at home some of the time and work in the library, at a coffee shop, or somewhere else for part of the time.
This morning, though, in place of the homework time, I am going to the art support group that has helped me greatly. I love this group and I need it.
As the one-year mark approaches, of my leaving the marriage that took such a toll on me and my life, I am finding that there is a definite grieving process that goes along with all of this. It is not unlike the the grieving process one may experience when losing a loved one. I am experiencing a little more random anxiety. I am feeling a bit of mourning. Among other things, I am mourning dreams shattered. Just this weekend, I realized yet another thing that I always thought would be a part of my life that never was and never will be. This weekend, I also realized that I cannot let my guard down even for a second. It doesn't take long for a person to manipulate a willingness to co-parent into an overstep of boundaries.
As my blog time for today comes to an end, I will say this. I am looking forward to my routine. I believe that I can see these things through and I believe that I can make a difference in my life and the lives of others.
I ran a half-marathon March 18 to celebrate my 35th birthday. I celebrated with friends and family. I have a great summer ahead with lots of fun activities with my amazing, beautiful, loving children. I am stronger than I think. And, you are too.
Please help hold me accountable. Please come back and read. Please, also keep me in thought and prayer as I see this renewed commitment to self through as it evolves into something even more beautiful than even I can imagine. There may even be some fun recipes coming! =)