It has been nearly a month since my last post. I don't know why I dropped off again. Writing energizes me. Writing is necessary for me. Writing is a huge part of my goals for 2013. Perhaps the lack of writing has contributed to the on-again/off-again borderline funk I have faced. I believe that to more likely than the borderline funk contributing to my lack of writing.
Today's source of inspiration once again came from the I Am That Girl Facebook page. A status update this morning included a quote from Zooey Deschanel:
"Being tender and open is beautiful. I feel
continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Don’t
let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of
others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is
more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things.
Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle,
an article, a sentence, a footstep…feel it all – look around you. All of
this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love."
I am a dreamer. I am one who, as a teenager, was often "accused" of wearing my heart on my sleeve. Over the last few months, I have put a big "brick wall" up around my heart. My emotions are not numb. Nor am I not experiencing emotions. However, I have found that both consciously and subconsciously I am remaining more guarded that ever before. I find this to be especially true with regard to the Guardian. I've taken some "risks" but not really risks of the heart. I've put myself out "there," yet kept to myself. I'm not entirely sure where exactly I want this to go because I have not let myself dream or explore potential emotions as I once did. I think it's a lot me, though I think some of it is him too. And at some point something will give, I imagine. But for now, it is what it is. Our schedules conflict more often than they jive which makes things difficult at times. Almost four months into this and yet we haven't had all that many dates. Still, I'm giving it time. I think it's worth that. But all of this is what made something huge stand out at me: "Don't allow .... fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart." As a 35-year-old woman, I find myself more afraid than ever of being hurt. I hate that. I didn't used to fear heartbreak. I didn't like it. But I didn't hold myself back. As I first started meeting men, I developed different likes and dislikes about them. I found some emotional connections to be stronger than others. At first, I put myself out there like I used to when I was younger. I just kept feeling let down. I put so much of myself out and got so little back. I don't have time for that. I want to see what works and work with it. I want to explore things. However, I am so afraid of allowing myself to get hurt. I am tired of hurt and disappointment.
Holding my heart back, however, is not the right response.
Another goal for 2013 is to allow myself to be loved more fully and to love more fully. I want to do this in ALL of my relationships: my parents, my children, my co-workers, my friends, other relationships. All relationships include some form of love. They have to.
"Don't let someone steal your tenderness." I think emerging from my marriage was the first step toward this, but I need to continue moving in that direction. I need to regain my tenderness, not stifle it.
As I enter my eighth consecutive day of commuting/working with breaks primarily only for a church retreat and the nighttime routine at home, I want to take the first part of this quote with me today. I want to "pack" it into my outlook for the day.
"Being tender and open is beautiful."
I will start with today. And I will work toward more and more days with it because it is true. So true. I want to be tender. I want to be open. I want to be loving. And I know that in giving love, I am more open to receive love. Do remember, though...I am a work in progress.
A final thought ties in to the sermon I heard yesterday at mass. The only thing that we can take with us from this life to the next is our relationship with God. I think, then, that we must start there. A strong, open, tender, loving relationship with God can open us to the same in our human relationships. They won't be the same as our relationship with God. They won't ever compare. But if we first love God and put ourselves out there with and for him, while allowing ourselves to be tender, open, and loving in all areas of our lives, then great things are bound to happen.
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