Today she wants jellybeans...I want even more

My sweet Miss Hollywood has taken quite a liking to YouTube videos featuring little girls eating candy. This started with other videos. The ones with a little girl opening toys and playing with them. For Christmas she desperately wanted a Barbie that rode a horse. She got one from her dad, but it wasn't the "right" one. Still, she has loved it and played with it. And I have reminded her of that.

She wants. Oh my...she wants. The latest this weekend was that she wanted Bean-boozled Jelly Belly jellybeans.

I agreed, when she first asked, to look for them and if we found them then I would purchase them for her. My girl who is a super picky eater with an easy-to-upset tummy...wanted to try a jellybean challenge. She knew exactly what she wanted. I obliged.

At the store today for our regular weekly grocery shopping, we found them and put them in the cart. I was sure that would do it.

But then she wanted me to read the box to her. Then she wanted to show me something. (This actually means that she is preparing to ask me for something.) She wanted to show me something else. I thought a small cake for dessert would be nice. She wanted "the Frozen one." She wanted, she wanted, she wanted. I was overwhelmed by it all.

She got the jellybeans she requested in advance. That was it.

And it continued when we got home. She did her Jelly Belly challenge of her own, with help from CD. In the midst of this, I had to take away Chromebook privileges for a time. She wanted a snack. "No, not that. I don't want THAT...I WANT..."

For hours, I heard, "I want..."

And, I tried to maintain my calm. I tried to redirect her. Sometimes, I even said yes because it was the right answer for the right time. Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes it is no.

With all of the material things that have been requested of me today, I could see it as a struggle.

But, it is more, so much more, than that.

She knows what she wants. She knows when she wants it. She knows HOW she wants it.

Now, I can do one of three things. I can 1) give in every single time and hand her what she wants without question 2) I can tell her no every single time and crush her spirit/ or 3) I can try to help her find balance. I can guide her to channeling her energy into something so much more than what she thinks she wants.

I choose three. And, it is a struggle in itself.

Right now she sees the "mean mommy" who won't give into her every desire. I, however, see the loving mommy who wants so much more for her than she can ever imagine.

I want her to fight for things. I want her to achieve greatness. I want her to see that true love exists. I want her to know love, and be love, and most importantly LIVE love. I want her to be amazing. I want her to work hard. I want her to earn what she needs and get what she deserves....which is nothing less than the best.

Tonight, we settled into something truly amazing and had a chance to develop recipes together, talk, and code together. We designed a heart on madewithcode.com and it was beautiful. She may think, at times, that I "hate" her because I won't give her exactly what she wants, but the truth is, I love her so much it hurts sometimes. I want nothing more than for her to ALWAYS know love. I do my best. One day, she will see that the decisions I made, I made out of love.

And she will be better for it.

So will I.

Love is so much more than a five-year-old can ever imagine.

Today, she wants Jelly Belly Bean-boozled jellybeans and a stuffed animal, and a chocolate bunny, and more time on the Chromebook, and...and...and...

I want more.

Tonight, she sat down to "write." She wants to be like mommy.

I want more.

She deserves even more than she could ever imagine. My job now is to love her the best way I can and to guide her and to help her channel this energy into great things.

The same is true for my son.

Whatever they think they want now....I want even more for them. They deserve it. And one day, they will have it. And, they will be better for all the times they heard "no" or "not right now." They will also be better for the times I said yes. And the times I said, "let's try this..." We must navigate through these times: the good, the bad, the messy, the beautiful together. One day, they will wake up and they will find that they are amazing adults with so much to contribute and so much to do. They will achieve their successes and navigate through disappointments. And, one day, their children will ask for jellybeans and even if they have long forgotten this day, they will carry with them the lesson from it.