Love yourself as no one else can

As I finished getting ready for lunch with a friend yesterday, I started collecting some thoughts from the week. Earlier in the week, I had grown frustrated with my body earlier in the week, including the day before, as it just wasn't working the way I thought it should. I was feeling better and in the moment of clarity, I was able to look back on my frustration. I worry less about how I look on the outside and more about how I feel on the inside. Sometimes my body just doesn't work "right." I have dealt with more Fibromyalgia flares over the past few months than I have the past few years. On Friday, my knees and lower back hurt and my body screamed that it needed rest. And so, I gave it what I could in the way of rest. Saturday was better I was thankful for that as I had to drive the kids, meet a friend for lunch, take dad to run regular weekly errands, and start getting on track as it is time to return to the regular routine.

I reflected briefly on that moment earlier in the week when I screamed (in my head), "I hate my body!" The reality is, I don't hate my body. I get frustrated by pain or things not going as I would like, but I do actually love my body. Yes, I occasionally experience pain. However, I am still walking, teaching, running, playing with my children, exploring, hiking, planning future adventures. So, I hate moments, not my body.

When my children ask about stretch marks, I say, "they are reminders of you." Afterall, they are marks of a body that stretched as my babies grew. They are not flaws, they are beauty marks. I can especially see the beauty part of it when I look into Miss Hollywood's beautiful blue eyes and hug CD. My scar from the C-sections are hardly visible because my doctors did such fantastic work. Some of the shooting pain I've felt started after having Miss Hollywood. My scoliosis combined with an anesthesiologist's needle caused the first one. They are few and far between. Thankfully, when I remember that day, I remember tears of joy as we welcomed Miss Hollywood into our lives.

I have had some difficulty keeping off baby weight that predates Miss Hollywood. I had difficulty losing "baby weight" after LJ. My body has aged and shifted. I eat right generally. I am a foodie by full admission. I enjoy trying new foods, cooking, eating favorites, and splurging on wine. I am happy with where I am. I am far from the weight I was before I had CD and for that I am incredibly thankful. When I got pregnant with Connor, I was the heaviest I had ever been in my life. The day he was born, I immediately dropped to below my pre-pregnancy weight. So, the size 10 I was for years is very likely in my past, and I am ok with that. Being a 12 is ok. (There are a couple of mediums and 10s that still fit though.) I am happy with my choices and feel generally healthy. That is more important to me than a fad diet or doing the lose/gain game. I refuse to become a slave to a scale. If I feel good, stay active, and enjoy life then I am ok. So, if I stay where I am, that's ok. I'm always up for trying to tone myself a little more. Walking, running, and hiking are things that bring me joy (even when it sometimes hurts afterward) and situps bring me pain, so which do you think I'll choose?

I need to flush "hate" from my vocabulary. I love myself and am committed to loving myself fully. That means even on a bad day, I need to love myself.

This morning, I decided to write all of this down and blog it, but had put it off while I did other things. I distracted myself. And then, I came across a post from Geek Strikes Back on Facebook that included something from Carrie Fisher. I read it. I smile. I knew...it was time to write.

Here's a nice little ET Online piece:

Carrie Fisher Fires Back at 'Star Wars' Age-Shamers: 'My Body Hasn't Aged as Well as I Have'

Rock on, Carrie Fisher! Rock on!

Love me or hate me, I love me. That's all that matters. Thank you for being a continuing part of my journey.